Does anyone here have depersonalization disorder?

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Does anyone here have depersonalization disorder? I've had it for a long, long time. I may have started it to cope with the social aspecs of autism or some bad experiences, I don't know. I know people tend to dissociate during times of stress, etc., but who here has/had depersonalization or derealization long term as a disorder?

I am not DXed with it but I feel it often. It was much worse when I was in high school and college but any social situation can trigger me to be more aware of it. What I couldn't seem to get my therapist to understand is that I force myself not to "think" about it but I never feel fully that I am in my body but feel more like I am using a body to do what I want(like I'm in-side a sophisticated robot shell). I feel the same way when I look around me at objects...they have a one deminssional appearance to me. It is just to defficult to explain to people so I just topped trying. I think I have a lose wire somewhere?

Hey there

I'm chasing an AS diagnosis, but my Psychologist thinks I may have Depersonalisation Disorder.

I'm not sure whether I have it, as the world or reality doesn't appear unreal to me, like it doesn't feel like I'm playing a game. Sometimes I am in awe of my body doing what I want, and am perplexed by reality in general (I sometimes stare at things for a long time, just observing every detail), however I know its all real, and it looks and feels all real.

Though I do compartmentalise my sensory input a lot. For example, I often analyse situations without emotion when a normal person would feel emotion. Its like my emotions and thoughts are completely separate entities and they never meet up. I forget my emotions easily, and am easily able to get over periods of great stress, or torturous ordeals by just removing the emotion from the equation, or distracting myself. Almost all of my emotions tend to fade away either with time or distraction.

So i'm not too sure.

There's a new movie out that you might like to see called 'Numb'. Its got Matthew Perry off Friends in it. I saw it, and a lot of his problems I have, but a lot of them I don't.

My wife said that what it showed Depersonalisation to be in the movie isn't like me at all. That I don't have any comfort zones. But I realised that I DO have a comfort zone, my comfort zone is that I don't have a comfort zone, I go with the flow, I do what everyone does, thereby removing the risk of upsetting anyone, confronting anyone. I just roll with the punches, and entertain myself if noone else is, but will otherwise agree with everybody, and do what anyone else wants to do.

I didn't have a nagging feeling that nothing is real. But I do feel like an observer, a third party to my own body, but I'm in control of my own actions, and I know its me. I know there's no third person that i'm the third person.

Anyways, check the movie out yourself. Depersonalisation I don't think really applies to me, but there are a lot of points of a depersonalisation disorder that does apply to me, but I think that they can be described by Asperger or Autistic Traits.

I have very long periods of derealisation, which are sometimes associated with depression, but not always. I don't have depersonalisation so much, apart from occasionally staring at part of my body and not being able to "get" it as belonging to me. ("That arm there" rather than "my arm".)

This is one of the few things I don't have believe it or not. I do dissociate though with entire new personalities! I have been diagnosed with DID but not depersonalization disorder.

No, I don't think I've ever had this problem. Hyperawareness of reality and everything in it has always been my issue.

@ krex
Social situations made me more aware of it too. I was sitting at a table with coworkers and I realized how deeply I was out of reality. Everything has a two dimensional feel to it for me too. I'm not sure if I feel like I'm viewing my body in third person perspective because I don't remember what normal feels like. Don't worry, the syptoms are hard for me to explain too.


@tbam
I probably have traits in common with you. But since I cannot remember what normal feels like, It's hard for me too tell. That "Numb" movie sounds interesting. Is it for sale in stores, or on the internet?


@who am I
I have noticed that depression makes it worse for me. Like today I had a really bad day and felt really depressed, and very sucked out of reality. I then decided that I should get out in the sun and cheer up. It didn't cure it but it made it better. I have been wondering if I have dysthymia (long term "mild" depression). It could be a partial/full cause of my dissociation.

I thought dysthemia was the inability to feel pleasure....what word am I confusing it with? Well, that is something I have had my whole life but...I have had intense moments of joy???They don;t last long and are generally sensory but...feeling fur against my face, having a dog "hug me and do the puppy dance", riding a horse, lost ina a good book, touching moss or looking at a really cool rock.....It is really powerful but only last a few seconds(or with a book...until the book ended).

When I was a kid I used to think that "whatever" created me had left out a part(still sitting on the floor of some mad scientist clutterred work shop). I could not beief all the smiling,laughing people weren't actually faking it. I am not even close to being as depressed as I was from 5-39, but I still don't get many of those flashs of pleasure....I try and just be greatful when I am not in pain or to stressed out.

It's a weird way to exist, especially in the USA where everythig seems to be about pleasure? I even see people in really poor countries, peoplw who face actual daily pain and hardships 100% worse then anything I have experienced and they smile and laugh??? How do they do that?

You mean like you feel as if you're in the backseat and someone else is driving for you?

I have experienced depersonalization, though I havent sought out any diagnosis for the disorder, at various times in my life. I have talked with a specialist, and he suggested that I have exhibited PTSD symptoms that are probably derived from early in life experiences. I believe it has sensitized me towards depersonalization during times when I am not able to overcome 'social barriers' in my work or social life that persist for long periods. I am aware of it happening and almost view it as a defense mechanism to protect myself from not being able to manuever myself out of these difficult situations that almost give me a sense of helplessness and frustration. It is not something done consciously, but I do feel like I exhaust a list of coping mechanisms prior to 'giving in' to this state.

To me depersonalization manifests itself as almost a hyperawareness state where you feel you are part of yourself, but at the same time as part of your surroundings. My senses seem to go into overdrive at least for moments. You become less sensitive to criticism and indifferent to your emotions. It almost like you see things more clearly and can act upon them without emotional input. There are techniques given in PTSD cognitive therapy that can refocus you on yourself, but the depersonalization influence is external and without learning other coping strategies you're limited to removing yourself from that environment. For me, it is always associated with complex social environments, where I struggle to develop relationships and foresee competing interests, that seem to drag me down over time. I have faced life and death circumstances and other types of stressors without depersonalization, so it not simply a flaw in my chemistry. It seems to be a combination of AS social problems and learned behavior from PTSD-like events.

PTSD....When I was in therapy, during the 1980's mostly, it was all the rage to assume dessociation/depersonilzation were caused by sexual abuse...surpressed memories were "all the rage". The therapist seemed to get stuck in this "trendy" DX of the day and all my denials that I was sexually abused fell on deaf ears. How do you defend yourself against memories that they say are repressed? It really messed with my head to keep wondering ...who had molested me. I feel now that they not only wasted my time but stole my positive childhood memories by putting this shadow of doubt in me.

For me, I think it is normal to have PTSD, just from having AS and living in an environment that is created for NT's and denies your sensory realitites and traits as ...being lazy, (when you get lost in special interests),selfish(when you don't relate to other peoples need to socialize) stuipid, (when you don't understand the things that they do..like NV communication and their way of learning things)rude(for being honest) weird, (because your interests are different then your peers) defient, (if you question someones beliefs even if they are older or have a special title.)

I didn't receive a DX until I was 42 and that is alot of years of people defining my behavior based on their own lack of knowledge of AS. Even with the DX, few people have any understanding but it does help that you guys do and I do.

I just remembered that I went into depersonalization once in my teen years from lack of sleep. (yes, that can be one of the causes of short term depersonalization). I was at a church party and the thing I found strange was that it was very easy for me to go talk to people and maintain eye contact. Normally, it was very awkward for me to talk to people and eye contact was very uncomfortable. Conversation was easy because it felt like I was in a movie theater wathcing my life on a screen. I can't tell if I feel this way now or not.
Anyhow, because of this I can fully believe that depersonalization/depersonalization disorder can form out of the stress of trying to cope with social situations. It may have been what happened to me.
(whenever I say depersonalization, I mean derealization as well).


@ Krex Wow, you've had it for a long time. Like you, I get brief flashes of "normal". If I think that everything is going to be alright from now on/that I'm going to have a great future, I come out of it a lot[/u]. I go back into it when the hope fades. The other times I come out of it are very brief.
I learned about dysthymia off of wikipedia and some other sites. It is a long term depression and it can make you unable to feel pleasure or hope. It can also be a cause of depersonalization disorder. It is hard for people to know if they have it. Most people go 15 to 20 years before getting it diagnosed. I must admit that I am no expert on the matter however. I wonder if I have dysthymia.


@ Sluice You say that there are techniques given in PTSD cognitive therapy that can you refocus on yourself? Can you tell me those if it's not too much trouble? I would appreciate it.


Speaking of techniques, I have a rather interesting one for briefly coming out of depersonalization. Now if you are obsessive compulsive you may not want to try this because you'll be doing it all the time, just a warning ( I don't want to cause anyone problems over this). Anyhow for a brief flash of normal, I say a sentence, " I am me and I am here right now". If I am alone in a room I will also say, "and I am alone". Say this when you are outside looking at a beautiful landscape on a lovely day. Notice the underlines. When you say "I", realize that you are an individual. Think of it referring to you,not the robot you, the real you. Do the same for the "me" part. When you do the "here" part, look around at the enviroment you're in and try to realize that the setting you are in now is real, that you are in the real world. When you say the "now" part, see what time it is and realize that you are in the present at a specific time ( this helps to connect you with reality). When you do the "alone" part, realize that it is just you there in that room. No one else is there with you. It's just you, Not two or more seperate entities (the robot you and the 3rd person perspective you, and maybe even the internal dialogue you) it's all just you, a single entity. (this may also help with DID). When you say the "I" and "me" parts, you are also fusing the robot you and the third person perspective ( and perhaps the internal dialogue friend you) into one single person. Another technique I do sometimes is to look at other people and realize that they are real,living people just like me.

Let me know if this helps anybody. Remember, don't do it if you are obsessive. Sometimes it works for me, sometimes it doesn't. It works better if you don't do it all the time. This may help with depersonalization, but it may not help what is causing you to go into depersonalization. For instance, I came out of it and felt like a scared child needing protection from a parent. The protector/parent for me is my depersonalization. I did it at work and all my social aversions came flooding back. I had to dissociate or I would have had a panic attack. I like to experiment with things, so I might try to mix this technique with meditation and see how it works. If this causes you problems, stop doing it. If you don't feel comfortable with it, don't do it. Not everyone is like me, what works for me may not work for you.The last thing I want to do is cause someone harm.Remember, I am not some health professional, so you do this at your own risk.

Krex, I liked your post very much. That's how it's been for me, exactly.

Thank you Greentea...That is why I like WP because it makes me not feel so alone in how I experience the world.


Two points I wanted to make....

I am really surprised that more people with AS don't have this feeling. When I learned about the sensitivities and the inability to read nonverbal communication, (which is something like 80% of human communication)...it makes sense to me that we would "detach" from our shells when we feel over whelmed with stimulations(sight,sound,smells)...it's just like anyone who is overwhelmed (like in a combat zone, being molested/robbed or facing other life threatening experiences). The only difference is that we are over whelmed easier because we are more sensitive. NT's don't feel overwhelmed in social situations because they "speak the same language"......I think if you threw them in a country that they dd not speak 20% of the language and
could not tell if the people wanted to help or harm them(or had seen clear proof that the people DID want to hurt them..ie ..highschool or work bullies), they would experience the same thing. When you are constantly being misunderstodd and punished for it with no way to "explain" yourself....why would you want to stay fully in your body. I think the same thing happens to any animal when it is in fear of being hurt....it's some kind of "chemical grace" that allows the animal to leave the body before it's torn to bits. Cognitive therapy helped me realize that I wasn't actually going to be torn to bits by people...but they can still fire me from a job, stop being my friend, family can disown you(mine has), beat you up, mock you and turn others against you....that isn't paranoid for an aspie...those are realites....and all because you didn't do or say the right thing or said the wrong thing.


There are three things I have done to "feel better". One is that I was always a physical kid...loved to climb trees and jungle gyms, lift weights and bike, all those things make me feel more in my body because I push myself to the point of pain. When it was at it's worse and I was completely numb, usually after cryng for a long time (chemicals released from crying), I used to cut myself, (I stopped doing that and don't recomend it as it can become a very disfuntional addiction). I do think it helps e to put down the book and crawl into my body for awhile.


One thing that messed my head up when I was a kid was being raised as a Christian Scientist(not scientology ). They teach that all the physical world is an illussion, a poorly constructed illussion with many flaws of a genuine spiritual world. I know that didn't "cause" my depersonilization/derealization but it did give me an intellectual validation of what I was experiencing. It might not be the best religion for a very literal aspie...(then again drinking and eating the body of a dead savior might have cause it's own problems )

"That's the story of my life, pretty much, especially with being called lazy because I find multitasking impossible, being called rude when I'm honest, and being called "insubordinate" and an "arrogant know-it-all" because I don't kiss peoples asses."

well said.


Yes, I used to get that strange out of body experience--in the mall or in a social situation. I rarely get it anymore. It was awful and felt like I was literally out of my own physical body--very strange. I thought it was anxiety or hormones. I was younger. I was also a major day dreamer-- not so much anymore. I've had to come down to earth over the years. Still, sometimes, I zone out completly. But, I rarely come out of my body like when I was younger.

I sometimes get it when I'm visiting my mother and she's talking. I get this tunnel vision--as if the light in the room darkens. It's some sensory thing.