Ever thought that you were special? Accepting reality?

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Feeling that your differences and your advantages are a set up for something great? How is it like facing reality?


I've never even heard of autism except this year, and I grew up in a religious household. My father is clinically insane, and inspired this style of thinking in me. I've lived most of my life thinking that something fantastic is ahead of me. (I'm 23 now) This was fueled by the fact that everyone in my family thought I was the smartest person they ever knew. It all seemed to be building up to something.

I get frustrated everytime I observe anyone doing anything better than me, especially in the things that I'm good at. When I get humiliated by someone in a computer game I thought I was good at, I end up smashing my keyboard and punching the wall until my hands swell up, for example.

About a couple of years ago, I began my journey to facing reality. I failed at college, and dropped out, because I lacked motivation. I was diagnosed with depression, which lead me to investigate the different aspects of psychology. I tried to explain all my failures by depression. Anti-depressants failed to do anything for me, which lead me to checking out various psychological conditions, such as schizophrenia, bipolar and OCD. Then I discovered the world of ADD, and became certain that this explained everything. Then I finally discovered Asperger's and autism.

I thought that figuring out what was wrong with me would solve everything. But now that I got a diagnoses, I'm stuck. I have to face reality, but this reality destroys everything that ever motivated me. I'm just another intelligent autistic person with multiple co-morbid conditions in a country that provides barely any support.

Now I have mostly accepted all this, but with this acceptance also came depression. I have no idea what to do with my life, and I don't have the will to fight.

How long will it take me to recover from this, taking into account that I don't have family support nor able to attend therapy?

you are the same person you were BEFORE you were DXed. Only now you know what works and what doesn't. I found WP to be the best therapy when I learned about Asperger's Syndrome, three years ago. I have worked out so much from my past just venting and sharing on WP that I am a changed person from the moaning, screaming and really messed up person I was when I got here.

I wish the same for you. I have no family but on this fourm and have found no 'doctor' better than my peers that are learning too.

I wish the same for you.
Welcome home.

Merle

[quote="sinsboldly"]you are the same person you were BEFORE you were DXed.

I was dx 18 months ago I would say that on the outside I am the same old chris, but on the inside I have been born anew............for many people on the spectrum being dx latter in life can be as overwhelmingly painful as it can be joyful................

Qi........for many of us on the spectrum, it is a deeply traumatic experience, to wake up to the reality that the person we thought we knew so well (ourselves) we find we hardly know at all. The struggle to keep afloat in the sea of life, can result in many of us having to deeply conceal our aspie nature and become totally over-identified with out survival / adaptive self. Sooner or later, if we are lucky, depression leads many of us to the realization that we have been fighting a war that has defeated us.

Here I think of Yates

Things fall apart (our adaptive self)
The Center can't hold (Self)
A terrible beauty is born (our true aspie-self............terrible because change of this scale can be overwhelming for most of us)

Qi where do you live?

If you live in london you might be interested to join a little group of aspies which meet where I live, we gather for mutual aid and support each fortnight?

Chris

Last edited by criss on 01 Jan 2009, 2:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.

The exact same thing as the OP's story happened to me, except I got kicked out of my apartment as well as being kicked out of college.

I'm back in school now, getting good grades, recovered from depression, and going to be an engineer.

Actually, my desires were never THAT great. In some ways, I EXCEEDED them. My career makes me more than I wanted and, though the purchasing power is LESS, the loss of power is due to everyone ELSE. Still, I know I get paid more than most in my field. Almost everyone in my field makes more than the national average.



I heard of autism about as long as it was considered a diagnosis, but didn't know the REAL truth until 3-4 years ago.



Well, I guess I could say the same, even if my desires were modest.



Same here. SO WHAT!?!?!? Nobody is the best at everything, and few are best at anything.



That is a recipe for disaster. RELAX, and reread what I said above!



And MY belief was that I was shy, had different interests, etc.... I found out much later that I was diagnosed ADHD. That was BEFORE AS was known about in the US.



How does it destroy anything? You are still the SAME! I guess you can learn, and know quite a bit, considering that your family considers you to be so smart.



Take this post to heart, and you SHOULD be better.