Trouble with open-endedness?

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Do other people here have trouble with spontaneity and decision making? I'm asking this because at this stage of my life this has become my number one hindrance. It's something that seems to encompass all scales of thinking from coming up with conversation topics to making major life decisions. Recently I've come up with the conjecture that my brain is missing some kind of coin-flip operation or random number generator.

When I fail at making conversation with new people I meet I've found that it's not simply due to lack of social skills. Once I get going with someone I can carry on okay (i.e. I can read non-verbal cues, make eye-contact, say appropriate things, etc.), yet when I'm put on the spot to initiate something I become stuck. It's like my brain is incapable of pulling things to say out of a hat like NT's seem to do all the time. Most of the time my way of speaking is very connected, i.e. things always flow causally and/or logically (albeit sometimes on an intuitive level which others' might not be aware of). It's almost like I can use the sequential logical part of my brain (left hemisphere?) or the creative whimsical part (right hemisphere?) but I'm not able to come up with the proper mixture. I fear that if I try to be more random/spontaneous I'll just come off as weird and completely off the wall to NT's. So I'm stuck only showing the dry logical inhibited side of my personality to people.

On the other side of the spectrum I have a horrible time dealing with open-ended outcomes. For example if some important decision is looming in the near future I can't put my mind at ease until I've chosen one path and discarded the others (at least in my mind). I have trouble leaving the door open for multiple possibilities without experiencing debilitating anxiety due to the perception of loose ends hanging over me. It's like at all times I have to have my mind completely set on one outcome. Also if I can't see a positive outcome in my head or if a positive outcome seems unlikely I have an impossible time even motivating myself to try. I hardly ever take risks without someone else pressuring me. This is really what makes life so overwhelming for me and why my energy and motivation is so low all the time.

I'm hoping this makes sense and someone else here can relate. I had a long discussion with my father after Christmas which led to this epiphany of sorts. I've been trying to figure out why living on my own has been so incredibly exhausting when I don't even have all the social difficulties to the degree that other aspies do - how I can appear normal to the majority of people yet still have the sense that I'm barely functioning in life.

An interesting post Marshal, that raises one of the central issues of AS - thought drought ... that frequently leads to conversation drought.

Thoughts create one's internal landscape and when they're not there, it's rather like being in the dark.

The difference between NT's and AS'ers is that NT's minds are full of auto-generated thought, so he only has to choose which one to express/act upon/discard.

In the AS'er's mind, thoughts are not auto-generated and rather than being spontaneous, have to be pro-actively 'manufactured' in the conscious mind (software-generated) because they're not produced in other parts of the brain (hardware-generated).
This is why AS thinking is rather devoid of emotional/social content, because the instinctual/autonomic emotional/social centres are poorly connected to the conscious areas (frontal cortices) of the brain.
In consequence, pro-active social processing has to be done by the conscious mind - with the result that the region of the brain responsible for conscious social processing is massively enlarged in AS'ers (I'll try and dig out some links in a minute).

Because NT's have a fully flowing thought-river, their behaviour is much more driven than that of Aspies, who have to think before making the next move from moment to moment, in conversation or in life.
It's this requirement for conscious, pro-active processing that makes life so draining for Aspies - particularly in social situations where real-time processing is an unremitting demand.
And it's this that makes life relatively so much easier for NT's - who compared to Aspies, are sitting on a powerboat with GPS rather than in a rubber dinghy with a small oar - so the NT can sit back and enjoy the journey rather than having to work frantically to get to where he's going.

NT's don't have so much to THINK of what to do next as CHOOSE.
Aspies OTOH, have to THINK in order to make themselves aware what the options are, before being able to choose.
It's the difference between operating in the day and operating at night.

I think it's a function chiefly, of under-connectedness in the prefrontal cortices - leading to major executive dysfunction issues which include working memory deficits, behavioural control, motivational issues, etc.

Thank you Marshall and TINMRN.

I have found this exchange extremely valuable in understanding myself, so much so that I have not got out of my dressing gown and finished my usual morning routines.

Marshall.................I too have great anxiety re things being open ended, it fact it drives me to extreme distraction at times.

For instance, a friend has recently asked be to sponsor him for his baptism, and I have asked him for the exact time and date (via text) and I have not heard back from him on either occaisions .......subsequently my mind can not bare the ambiguity and openendedness of it all.

Often I feel totally overwhelmed by my NT friends who just seem to be able to keep options open, and juggle with them with no discomfort at all. More often than not, I see such openendedness as lacking commitment and moral fiber.......so your response TINMRN has made me see things rather differently..................Thank you both.

Chris

Well this has also helped me re-evaluate a relationship from the past. I was pretty good friends with an NT woman I worked with whom I had a lot in common. Both engineers, both adventure racing enthusiasts, had done triathlons together, both had cats, etc., but she would speak about all sorts of stuff that we "ought" to do. I was always trying to get a time frame at least, if not an actual concrete time for these, and she would never commit. Finally I had to massively scale back our friendship because the frustration of her seeming inability to plan was too stressful for me. I just wrote her off as flaky and someone who unconsciously pushed my buttons.

I have the same problem as mentioned above.While I couldnot finger it out for a long time.Read your articles,and it is really good for me.

I agree with this - I can't tolerate vagueness and uncertainty and just 'taking things as they come'. I need to know specific times, intentions, itineraries.

Thanks for the responses. I greatly appreciate all the input I can find. I was afraid I wouldn’t get many considering how long it took me to articulate this.

Last night some other thoughts came to me...

I feel that this topic is the crux of all my difficulties in life, much more so than the more commonly acknowledge traits of AS. NT’s seem to only see the outward differences but with me these outward differences are highly masked and it’s the inward differences, the very way I think and emotionally process things, that pain me the most.

It’s especially painful because this aversion to risk and open ended possibilities is in conflict with my personality. I’m not content leading a boring life where things stay the same all the time. I get severely depressed from the lack of stimulation and contact with the outside world. I feel like I’m trapped in a box and suffocating and no amount of antidepressant drugs can alleviate this painful existence.

It seems that the thing I need most is to be around other people. I really need friends to get me out of my hole, to get me to go out and do things that I otherwise wouldn’t have the energy to bother with. It’s so much easier to consider possibilities and pursue new experiences when all the weight of the decision making process isn’t on me alone. When I was in college and living in a dormitory I had a group of people that I often tagged along with. It got me to get out and do things that I wouldn’t be particularly motivated to do on my own. Even if the outing itself wasn’t all that exciting I at least had the fulfillment of company with friends. On my own I can’t motivate myself to do anything.

Unlike some aspies I seem to be able to maintain good friendships once they ripen. All the difficulty is in initiating. Another problem is my need for private space to live. I’ve never been able to deal with roommates (I got a single dorm as accommodation in college) yet living alone in a large apartment complex doesn’t give me the opportunity for making friends that was there in college, something that was then built in just by living in close proximity and having a shared interest related to studies.

I think there’s a problem in this modern state of affairs where we have to shop over a massive geographic area in order to pursue a career path that caters to our special interest. If I had just stayed put in the town I grew up in and maintained relationships there then I would be stuck with regards to my career. I know I can’t tolerate an ordinary low wage job, not because of lack of income as I’m not a big spender - I just know I’d never be able too make myself get up in the morning just to be painfully bored for eight straight hours of the day and then still have to cook and take care of errands when I got home. I think a specialized job that gives me a sense of excitement is the only realistic option even if it requires that I move around the country, gives me massive stress, and an inability to have a permanent circle of friends. Now I’ve been doing the graduate school thing for almost three years and still have no friends in this city. It’s driving me insane. My depression has now put my ability to finish my Master’s thesis in jeopardy.

Anyways, I guess I’m done for now. I’m hoping there are other people here in the same boat as I am. Thanks again for reading. Hope this wasn’t too long.

Definately agree with the OP. I have major problems with spontaneity, situtations where not everything is mapped out, and making desicions.

People mistake my social reluctance with fear of people disliking me. While that is not entirely untrue, my main fear in talking to people is just the simple fact of spontaneous conversation. I don't know what they are going to say, how can I plan my response? Ect..

You mean you're concerned that you won't have anything to say in reply ?
Or by "I don't know what they're going to say" do you mean you fear what they might say ?

Uh neither. Its just unplanned and I have no way of expecting what they are going to say and I am simply afraid of that. I may or may not have something to say in reply.. who knows? I don't know what they're going to say!! But I don't have any fear of what they 'might say' as you put it.

I just simply cannot predict it and that makes me 'terrified'.

Edit: I'm not sure it's really 'fear' by definition. I just cannot know how to proceed in any situation that contain big X factors. More like uncertanty and anxiety I suppose.