Is this jealousy?

Post Reply New Topic

So I recently got the job of my dreams. I'm a professional ballet dancer and I got a job with one the three top companies in the country and top 5 in the world. I'm extremely proud of myself but I don't want to get a big head about it. I have these friends who are also dancers and I'm used to arguing with them. That's what we normaly do.

Lately though, they've been ganging up on me and telling me that I'm not a good dancer. They tell me I don't work hard enough ( I work harder then both of them, I just have more trouble with focus than they do) I go to more classes than they do and I go to the gym 3 days a week now starting 4. It takes me longer to pick up choreography than them so they say I'm not trying. I am! The worst thing they tell me now, is that I'm going to get fired from my new job. Nothing could scare me more, this may by my own insecurities talking, but I feel that's a hurtful thing to say. They just have such big egos and I feel like my getting this job is making them jealous. Especially because I beat out one of them in the audition process. They can be fun but I really don't like when they get like this. Do you guys think it's jealousy? Should I just stop talking to them for a while?

No idea. Dynamics involving jealousy are some of the hardest for me to spot. Because few people come right out and say they're jealous, and if you state out loud that they seem jealous they can say you're conceited. I wish I knew more but that whole area is really confusing. Regardless they seem to be putting you down. I used to have friends who did it all the time, not in a joking way either. Then I learned that real friends don't behave like that.

I've dealt with those types at the factory, and I've stopped hanging out with them, eventually.

ditch those prima-donnas-in-the-making.

It could be jealously. Either way, at this juncture, if their commentary is distressing and you do not need to enage them, by all means avoid them. You obviously have better, more exciting and more important things to focus on at the moment, specifically your new job. Well done you and congratulations.

Yes, certainly you deserve congratulations and support! I would avoid those people for now. They are clearly jealous and threatened by your new success. I am guessing that they weren't like this before? You don't have to explain anything to them - just be "too busy" for them. Good luck! I have always loved the ballet, and admire anyone who has achieved excellence in it.

Congratulations on the Gig. Will you be touring? After 15 years in the theater, I have had more than my share of watching the not so harmonic experience of auditions; friendships / relationships going awry. Fact of the matter is, those few that Are chosen, are not always based solely upon actual existing abilities, but rather what the Choreographers and Directors see as a potential capability / capacity thereof (raw talent). Perhaps your friends are great variety dancers but lack the élan you have. Panache is priority in the performing arts, especially ballet, if you got it, share it and it will grow, fake it and you will go. Capable of getting along with others is a major problem in theater, if you don’t, your not chosen.

You have proven that you are capable of cooperating with others. This is something that is only visible from the audience, not stage left or right. You have obviously proven that you are capable of performing how you are told to in a way that pleases them; others are not going to like it at first because they are looking for someone to blame. So don’t flatter yourself, it’s probably not jealousy, it’s not about you, it’s their issues, don’t make them yours. The very company they once cherished, has let them down, so the whole company sucks and everybody in it, now that you are a part of that company, it’s all your fault. So any relationship problems around this, are probably not your problem, rather a part of the solution in your growth.

Hopefully these feelings will subside in the near future, and they will go on more auditions and find someone else to blame. But what you need to focus on, is the ones who are proud for you, who have supported you and continue to do so. Once you become Gregory Hines or Baryshnikov himself, they will not treat you the same way as they do now, thing is, you must never attempt to retaliate their behavior. - Just remember to be grateful that you are humbly more realistic than that.

i don't know if it's jealousy, but these people don't sound like friends to me.
i noticed friends are supposed to say positive things, even if they think the direct opposite.
I know because i've had bad experiences stating my opinion when i was asked to...

congrats, that is an amazing achievement!! !

It sounds to me like you need a mentor, someone you can trust to help guide you in your career. In other words someone who, if that person were making comments like this, you would know it was constructive criticism and heed their advice. Then if you had your trust in that person or persons, you could dismiss everything the friends said out of hand. A mentor is almost always someone who has acheived more than you. Your friends seem to have achieved only as much or less than you, so they really can't mentor you. In fact their comments could have a negative affect.

It's possible those comments are rooted in jealousy, sometimes that takes hindsight to understand, but the more important thing to wonder about is how are those comments going to affect you. Probably not positively because now at the very least you are in this conundrum of trying to understand their motives instead of focusing on your new job.

When I look back at my life I am astounded at the b.s I put up with from friends, from the time I was very small, like 8 or so. I just didn't 'get it' that I was being mistreated and criticised, because I was so naive and believed people said things only because those things were true. If I had it to do over again there is no way I would be friends with three for four of the best friends I had into my early twenties, probably 3 of the 5 'best friends' I had were controlling and undermining me and it sailed right over my head.

Hard to be sure what their motives are for turning nasty on you like that....I don't think it's jealousy, but I strongly suspect it's envy (I know it's very pedantic of me but jealousy means getting upset when somebody else is getting what you've been getting, while envy is getting upset when somebody is getting what you've never had).

Of course they're unlikely to admit it so you'll probably never know for sure. It might have been better to have kept quiet about the new job. I don't usually say much to other musicians about the performing opportunities that come my way, if I can see that I'm getting a bigger slice of the cake than they are. I don't get paid or anything, but I've noticed that nobody likes a clever dick, so I keep my mouth shut as the default option.

Thank you for all of your replies. To answer your question DaWalker, Yes we tour to Copenhagen somtime this year. Thank you for all your congratulations!

So back to the point of the post. It's true that assuming it's jealousy only makes me sound conceited. I've had many NT's tell me that they are jealous, but like someone said, even if they were they would never admit it. Their motives aren't really important now that I think about. What is important is that they're not acting like friends and I need to just let it be. I'm not going to shut them out completely because we work together still (until July) but I won't treat them as friends. Just co-workers from now on. Thanks for the advice!

It definitely sounds like jealousy. That sort of thing is hard for me to spot when it happens to me, but your description sounds right on the money. I would deal with them carefully, because this sort of thing can escalate.