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Other people's expectations

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Tantybi
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16 Jan 2009, 7:43 am

Does it totally stress you out when people expect you to do anything, from the simplest task to the ones you don't think you are capable of doing?

I don't think it's the expectations as much as criticism (which is the same thing)...like I just take it to heart more so than most people. I guess my Aspie nephew does the same thing. It's like we sometimes can't fulfil our goals that are in agreement to the criticism because of the anxiety we get from the criticism.

Like if I were a child, and I felt like my room was a mess, I'd be harping myself about it hard core in my head so that when someone else, like a parent, tells me, "you need to clean that room," I get so defensive and angry at the onset of the demand, and then I stare at my mess and stress out because my parent doesn't think this room is good enough. When the criticism and demands stop, I then find myself cleaning my room, but then it feels like it never is clean enough for them, so then I become obsessed with cleaning my room determined to prove myself.

It's not just cleaning, but anything people criticize. It just dawned on me, people like my sister takes criticism or other people's expectations with a grain of salt. She could care less if her mother is proud of her or not. Meanwhile, I'm going crazy just to get my mom to not only be proud of me, but to also take me more seriously and treat me with respect and to give me some credit. It's not just my mom. I'm seriously insulted by my landlady complaining about the cereal I didn't vacuum immediately off the floor when my daughter dumped a bowl of it (dry mind you, no milk) in the living room, and now she's telling other tenants that I'm lazy. My mom is worthy to prove myself to, but the landlady is a stupid witch, and yet, I still uncontrollably feel like I have to prove myself to her.

I'm starting to think this might be an Aspie thing. Does anybody else ever feel like this?



anna-banana
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16 Jan 2009, 8:08 am

I definitely have a problem with other people's expectations, although not in a way that you've described.

every time I'm in a new environment, like school or work or being introduced to friends of friends I feel like the people I meet expect me to be a certain way. I'm quite decent with making a good first impression, only it takes so much of my energy that I can't keep it up for long. so sooner or later I have to retreat and that puts people off.

I guess if they would expect the worst of me they would be pleasantly surprised once they got to know me better, but unfortunately it's not usually the case.


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16 Jan 2009, 9:08 am

i tend to take critisicism to heart more then i should as well.



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16 Jan 2009, 9:17 am

Tantybi wrote:
Like if I were a child, and I felt like my room was a mess, I'd be harping myself about it hard core in my head so that when someone else, like a parent, tells me, "you need to clean that room," I get so defensive and angry at the onset of the demand, and then I stare at my mess and stress out because my parent doesn't think this room is good enough. When the criticism and demands stop, I then find myself cleaning my room, but then it feels like it never is clean enough for them, so then I become obsessed with cleaning my room determined to prove myself.


I can really relate to a lot of this. (It still applies because I live at home.) My room has been messy for years though because I've gotten so defensive and angry about the complaints from my parents, but also at this point I feel very overwhelmed by it (even though I do want it clean and I do try to work on it). But yes, their criticism does not help to motivate me--it definitely makes me defensive and angry.

I find I get really defensive and angry all the time when I feel I'm criticized (even if it's not meant in a mean way). Then I get mad at myself for having a bad attitude. (That's another comment I get more frequently than I would like.)



Tantybi
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16 Jan 2009, 10:59 am

chasingthesun wrote:
Tantybi wrote:
Like if I were a child, and I felt like my room was a mess, I'd be harping myself about it hard core in my head so that when someone else, like a parent, tells me, "you need to clean that room," I get so defensive and angry at the onset of the demand, and then I stare at my mess and stress out because my parent doesn't think this room is good enough. When the criticism and demands stop, I then find myself cleaning my room, but then it feels like it never is clean enough for them, so then I become obsessed with cleaning my room determined to prove myself.


I can really relate to a lot of this. (It still applies because I live at home.) My room has been messy for years though because I've gotten so defensive and angry about the complaints from my parents, but also at this point I feel very overwhelmed by it (even though I do want it clean and I do try to work on it). But yes, their criticism does not help to motivate me--it definitely makes me defensive and angry.

I find I get really defensive and angry all the time when I feel I'm criticized (even if it's not meant in a mean way). Then I get mad at myself for having a bad attitude. (That's another comment I get more frequently than I would like.)


My nephew and I do that too where we think we are being criticized when it isn't there. We also always feel guilty after being angry, no matter what caused the anger. It's also like when people criticize something you already know is wrong, like a messy room, you almost want to say, "No Shcrap sherlock." It's like "Duh. I know it's a mess. If I was able to clean it, it would be clean. Obviously I can't clean it right now. Got other things that are a little more important. Now if you want to add something to the conversation worth while, then go for it, but until then, leave me alone." It's not like they are always perfect, and I have to accept their imperfections, so why can't they accept mine? Sometimes I swear the neurotypical mentality is a one way street.

It's insulting when people state the obvious anyway. Like if your room is a mess, you know it. You don't need to be told that it's a mess. You also know that if it is a mess, then it must be cleaned, and that if it is your room, then you are the one to clean it. You, again, do not need to be told these things.

How often do people tell you that you are making excuses when you are merely stating your reasoning?



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16 Jan 2009, 11:19 am

anna-banana wrote:
I'm quite decent with making a good first impression, only it takes so much of my energy that I can't keep it up for long. so sooner or later I have to retreat and that puts people off.


This is what I have experienced most of my life. It is exhausting to play the part indefinitely. Once I scale back, most folks lose interest. And that is usually ok with me.


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chasingthesun
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16 Jan 2009, 12:25 pm

Tantybi wrote:
chasingthesun wrote:
Tantybi wrote:
Like if I were a child, and I felt like my room was a mess, I'd be harping myself about it hard core in my head so that when someone else, like a parent, tells me, "you need to clean that room," I get so defensive and angry at the onset of the demand, and then I stare at my mess and stress out because my parent doesn't think this room is good enough. When the criticism and demands stop, I then find myself cleaning my room, but then it feels like it never is clean enough for them, so then I become obsessed with cleaning my room determined to prove myself.


I can really relate to a lot of this. (It still applies because I live at home.) My room has been messy for years though because I've gotten so defensive and angry about the complaints from my parents, but also at this point I feel very overwhelmed by it (even though I do want it clean and I do try to work on it). But yes, their criticism does not help to motivate me--it definitely makes me defensive and angry.

I find I get really defensive and angry all the time when I feel I'm criticized (even if it's not meant in a mean way). Then I get mad at myself for having a bad attitude. (That's another comment I get more frequently than I would like.)


My nephew and I do that too where we think we are being criticized when it isn't there. We also always feel guilty after being angry, no matter what caused the anger. It's also like when people criticize something you already know is wrong, like a messy room, you almost want to say, "No Shcrap sherlock." It's like "Duh. I know it's a mess. If I was able to clean it, it would be clean. Obviously I can't clean it right now. Got other things that are a little more important. Now if you want to add something to the conversation worth while, then go for it, but until then, leave me alone." It's not like they are always perfect, and I have to accept their imperfections, so why can't they accept mine? Sometimes I swear the neurotypical mentality is a one way street.

It's insulting when people state the obvious anyway. Like if your room is a mess, you know it. You don't need to be told that it's a mess. You also know that if it is a mess, then it must be cleaned, and that if it is your room, then you are the one to clean it. You, again, do not need to be told these things.

How often do people tell you that you are making excuses when you are merely stating your reasoning?


ALL THE TIME!! ! My parents don't even listen to me talk; they think I'm only making excuses (they also refuse to acknowledge that I might have AS).



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16 Jan 2009, 12:40 pm

I don't care for people's expectations, I don't like the pressure.

I used to start crying any time I was criticized. Fortunately I out grew that.



Tantybi
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17 Jan 2009, 5:20 am

chasingthesun wrote:
Tantybi wrote:
chasingthesun wrote:
Tantybi wrote:
Like if I were a child, and I felt like my room was a mess, I'd be harping myself about it hard core in my head so that when someone else, like a parent, tells me, "you need to clean that room," I get so defensive and angry at the onset of the demand, and then I stare at my mess and stress out because my parent doesn't think this room is good enough. When the criticism and demands stop, I then find myself cleaning my room, but then it feels like it never is clean enough for them, so then I become obsessed with cleaning my room determined to prove myself.


I can really relate to a lot of this. (It still applies because I live at home.) My room has been messy for years though because I've gotten so defensive and angry about the complaints from my parents, but also at this point I feel very overwhelmed by it (even though I do want it clean and I do try to work on it). But yes, their criticism does not help to motivate me--it definitely makes me defensive and angry.

I find I get really defensive and angry all the time when I feel I'm criticized (even if it's not meant in a mean way). Then I get mad at myself for having a bad attitude. (That's another comment I get more frequently than I would like.)


My nephew and I do that too where we think we are being criticized when it isn't there. We also always feel guilty after being angry, no matter what caused the anger. It's also like when people criticize something you already know is wrong, like a messy room, you almost want to say, "No Shcrap sherlock." It's like "Duh. I know it's a mess. If I was able to clean it, it would be clean. Obviously I can't clean it right now. Got other things that are a little more important. Now if you want to add something to the conversation worth while, then go for it, but until then, leave me alone." It's not like they are always perfect, and I have to accept their imperfections, so why can't they accept mine? Sometimes I swear the neurotypical mentality is a one way street.

It's insulting when people state the obvious anyway. Like if your room is a mess, you know it. You don't need to be told that it's a mess. You also know that if it is a mess, then it must be cleaned, and that if it is your room, then you are the one to clean it. You, again, do not need to be told these things.

How often do people tell you that you are making excuses when you are merely stating your reasoning?


ALL THE TIME!! ! My parents don't even listen to me talk; they think I'm only making excuses (they also refuse to acknowledge that I might have AS).


It drives me crazy too, and I'm 30 now, and it doesn't stop when you get older. Parents will still drive you crazy on that. I also have a little sister (whose 27), and she's allowed to make mistakes and be imperfect, and my mom will make excuses for her, but forget about it when it comes to me. Everything I do is wrong, and I'm always making excuses for it. IN all honesty, I no longer care anymore about it because I figure being AS, I got to do things a little differently than NT's since I'm different than NT's. So if NT's don't like how I do, then they can just kiss my assets. I just noticed if I look at it like that, then I get things done. It's when I attempt the NT method that I fail, and when I stress about failing that I fail. I guess it's kinda like going into a boxing ring, if you fear losing and think about it too hard, you will lose the fight. You just got to go in there with the mentality that you are a killer and the idea of losing sounds kinda funny because it's unlikely. Like in your case, say the room isn't clean, well that's probably because you attempted NT methods for cleaning, and you need to create your own method, and that takes a lot of thought and trial and error. This would be a good book idea...AS approaches to everyday life.



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17 Jan 2009, 5:30 am

I had trubles with that before, but I guess I have grown out of it. I just have to face the fact, that I have to be in the right state of mind to achieve something, or to get things done. That is on my private area, at work I have no problems, I usually meet the expectations.


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17 Jan 2009, 12:32 pm

People will demand from you and criticize you as much as your inner critic does. When you make friends with your inner critic and are able to control it, people like magic stop criticizing you. I did a lot of work on myself because I had your same problem. I cared what people said about me, so I was an easy scapegoat. I found "Embracing Your Inner Critic" by Hal and Sidra Stone very useful and easy to read and follow.

Criticism is manipulation. If they see it doesn't affect you, they lose interest in criticizing you. Like it happens with your sister. Nowadays I ask myself when someone criticizes me: "Would they be yelling exactly the same if I was the Queen of England?" If the answer is no, which it invariably is, then they can shove their criticism, because it's a power game.

Never, ever confuse criticism with critique/feedback. Critique or feedback are concerned with your well-being too, not only theirs. So it's respectful and caring.


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17 Jan 2009, 2:56 pm

anna-banana wrote:
I definitely have a problem with other people's expectations, although not in a way that you've described.

every time I'm in a new environment, like school or work or being introduced to friends of friends I feel like the people I meet expect me to be a certain way. I'm quite decent with making a good first impression, only it takes so much of my energy that I can't keep it up for long. so sooner or later I have to retreat and that puts people off.

I guess if they would expect the worst of me they would be pleasantly surprised once they got to know me better, but unfortunately it's not usually the case.


Thats me, im even worst. Like when people that I know not too well sitting besides me would expect me to engage something, on the other hand, i dont know what im expecting from myself from their expectation to do the expected things. HahahaHaha



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17 Jan 2009, 3:13 pm

Quote:
Tantybi wrote:
Does it totally stress you out when people expect you to do anything, from the simplest task to the ones you don't think you are capable of doing?

I don't think it's the expectations as much as criticism (which is the same thing)...like I just take it to heart more so than most people. I guess my Aspie nephew does the same thing. It's like we sometimes can't fulfil our goals that are in agreement to the criticism because of the anxiety we get from the criticism.

Like if I were a child, and I felt like my room was a mess, I'd be harping myself about it hard core in my head so that when someone else, like a parent, tells me, "you need to clean that room," I get so defensive and angry at the onset of the demand, and then I stare at my mess and stress out because my parent doesn't think this room is good enough. When the criticism and demands stop, I then find myself cleaning my room, but then it feels like it never is clean enough for them, so then I become obsessed with cleaning my room determined to prove myself.

It's not just cleaning, but anything people criticize. It just dawned on me, people like my sister takes criticism or other people's expectations with a grain of salt. She could care less if her mother is proud of her or not. Meanwhile, I'm going crazy just to get my mom to not only be proud of me, but to also take me more seriously and treat me with respect and to give me some credit. It's not just my mom. I'm seriously insulted by my landlady complaining about the cereal I didn't vacuum immediately off the floor when my daughter dumped a bowl of it (dry mind you, no milk) in the living room, and now she's telling other tenants that I'm lazy. My mom is worthy to prove myself to, but the landlady is a stupid witch, and yet, I still uncontrollably feel like I have to prove myself to her.

I'm starting to think this might be an Aspie thing. Does anybody else ever feel like this?


ditto.



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17 Jan 2009, 3:25 pm

It goes both ways with me. On the one hand, they are baffled at my inability to keep my place clean. On the other hand, they are shocked I can multiple a 4-digit number by 99 in my head.


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