So help me understand what this means...

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northern_light_girl
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19 Jan 2009, 8:18 pm

I've read a few posts here. People say they hate to socialize but they can even feel depressed if they don't do it.

Ok, so how can 2 different NEEDS like the one to be left alone and the one to socialize be explained? What do you mean by wanting to socialize..how would you define what you're looking for? Is it from a need not to be an outkast and be seen as a normal memeber of society or is it a real need for compansionship?



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19 Jan 2009, 8:32 pm

northern_light_girl wrote:
I've read a few posts here. People say they hate to socialize but they can even feel depressed if they don't do it.

Ok, so how can 2 different NEEDS like the one to be left alone and the one to socialize be explained? What do you mean by wanting to socialize..how would you define what you're looking for? Is it from a need not to be an outkast and be seen as a normal memeber of society or is it a real need for compansionship?


I was onc invited to a group. They were nice, clean, etc... but uninhibited. Heck, they once had a food fight. In a way, it was neat. Two women I LIKED had certain likes that I learned about, and I would have been QUICK to use that info if not for the fact that I thought they were too young to me. Still, it was neat. Heck, they had so much joy at times that it kind of swept over ME! It is hard to explain, but I think I must have really felt like they did. It was almost like I was empathic, like some on star trek. If I could live in that moment, and perhaps even marry and live with such a woman, I would be HAPPY! SO, in a way, I WANT to socialize!

Alas, such things are RARE!! !! !! !! ! I think it has happened maybe 5 times out of hundreds that I have been in such an event. Usually, I end up being DISGUSTED. I end up being just alone.



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19 Jan 2009, 8:39 pm

Well for me, I don't want the "useless small-talk" kind of socialization that I observe most NTs enjoying on a daily basis.

I want substantial, interesting conversation that goes well in-depth.
Note: Although I do like to talk deeply into my special interests, I am willing to talk about other things as well, as long as I am able to discuss it in detail.
I hate just 'skimming the surface' of a subject. It leaves me feeling unfulfilled and disappointed.

However, most people only like to 'skim the surface.' This is where the problem lies.


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19 Jan 2009, 8:48 pm

northern_light_girl wrote:
... Ok, so how can 2 different NEEDS like the one to be left alone and the one to socialize be explained?

It's called "Dichotomous Feelings" - sort of like when you love someone, but you can't stand to be around them (me towards my alcoholic dad, f'rinstance).

Or maybe like being terrified of the sight of blood, but still being fascinated by a multi-vehicle accident - with fatalities.


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19 Jan 2009, 8:52 pm

It's that old 'damned if you do and damned if your don't', love/hate deal we all harbor inside, even the regular people have it but they are to embarassed to talk about it very much.


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19 Jan 2009, 9:00 pm

CleverKitten wrote:
Well for me, I don't want the "useless small-talk" kind of socialization that I observe most NTs enjoying on a daily basis.

I want substantial, interesting conversation that goes well in-depth.
Note: Although I do like to talk deeply into my special interests, I am willing to talk about other things as well, as long as I am able to discuss it in detail.
I hate just 'skimming the surface' of a subject. It leaves me feeling unfulfilled and disappointed.

However, most people only like to 'skim the surface.' This is where the problem lies.


That about sums it up for me. I can appreciate humorous socialization (if the people have a compatible sense of humor), or socialization that involves actually doing something along with the chit-chat. Sitting around talking about nothing in particular doesn't cut it.

What I really like though are stimulating discussions of a reflective/introspective nature. Unfortunately most NT's are uncomfortable with the latter. Most talk about dull impersonal fluff even with "close" friends.

As for your second question, it's more about need for companionship (and also mental stimulation to a degree). I don't really care about being an outcast. It's the rest of society that makes that one such a big deal. If the goal in life is to not be an outcast then the bar is set pretty low IMO. Not being an outcast is easy if you happen to be just like everyone else. I'd rather be an outcast with a small group of close friends than be considered "normal" and have only superficial friends.



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20 Jan 2009, 11:38 am

I'm not the type that enjoys being left alone, so the question doesn't apply to me. I enjoy being alone, but only because I have no choice.

A couple years ago I stopped trying to socialize. It was too painful and the rewards were almost non-existent. But I'd be very happy if I could make a friend.


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unreal3x
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21 Jan 2009, 12:29 am

northern_light_girl wrote:
I've read a few posts here. People say they hate to socialize but they can even feel depressed if they don't do it.


I hate being put into situations of mass socialization, speaking to many people I don't know and saying things of little or no purpose. But at the same time I still want friends, I still want to communicate.



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21 Jan 2009, 12:36 am

My therapist calls it ‘duality’. I want company but yet I want to be left alone. I want acceptance, but I want to be my own person and not conform to what others want me to be.


garyww wrote:
It's that old 'damned if you do and damned if your don't', love/hate deal we all harbor inside, even the regular people have it but they are to embarassed to talk about it very much.


Eh… I’m definitely damned if I do and damned if I don’t. :lol:


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eristocrat
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21 Jan 2009, 12:39 am

It's hard to imagine longing for companionship but hating to be around people unless you've been there. Very much like the "lonely in a crowd" phenomenon. You can learn to accept it but it still has its special way of sucking.



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21 Jan 2009, 1:32 am

It's hard to imagine most of the asperger "qualities" unless you've been there I think. But, yes, I'm constantly wanting to reject invitations to go out partying because it feels like hours of everyone enjoying themselves but me. But then after a week or two you start beating yourself up for not getting out of the house and being with people. I love friendship and companionship, I just can't really make it happen most of the time. It's like a guy who loves biting into a big juicy steak but has to slurp all his meals through a straw.

Edit: I'd like to add that even though I'm not motivated by social propositions, If I do get out and do it at least once a week or more I don't get depressed as much. It doesn't feel like it helps, but it does. That may just be because I've gotten better at it. I think the little whispers of social connection I get are enough to stop me from feeling hopeless later on. But I would encourage people to force themselves to do things that suck (whether it's talking to girls or touching velvet) so it doesn't suck so much, as hard as that is with mental issues.



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21 Jan 2009, 1:53 pm

Socializing is not appealing to me, but having close loved friends is. Socializing is a necessary evil to find them, that's all. I don't see any duality there. The fact that I can't get past the boring smalltalk and phoniness stage with anyone doesn't mean that NT relationships are boring. I drool when I hear my coworkers talk to each other; they have much more interesting conversations with the colleagues who are their friends than they have with me.


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JoJerome
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21 Jan 2009, 2:33 pm

I really, really do enjoy/want companionship, friends, and billions of guys on the planet - the 'right one' has to be out there somewhere!

But most people I meet (mostly NTs) are for me difficult to understand, difficult to be understood by me, and there's that unspoken social communication going on that so makes me feel like I'm in a plexiglass box; in the room but not really a part of what's going on. Even with friends I get along with great, it can be exhaustive after a while.

Love the annual cheaper-than-a-shrink getaway with my scifi geek friends ... also really, really love the solitude of the road trip home.

- Jo



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21 Jan 2009, 2:44 pm

northern_light_girl wrote:
I've read a few posts here. People say they hate to socialize but they can even feel depressed if they don't do it.

Ok, so how can 2 different NEEDS like the one to be left alone and the one to socialize be explained? What do you mean by wanting to socialize..how would you define what you're looking for? Is it from a need not to be an outkast and be seen as a normal memeber of society or is it a real need for compansionship?


if i am alone, i get lonely. yet when i am socializing, i can't seem to keep up with it and i get frustrated.

so i still NEED human interaction, yet it causes me frustration and anxiety.

make sense?


and yes, i can't stand small talk...i just don't see the point in discussing things i can't do anything about or get involved in.