Involuntary celibacy

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I'm 43 and this is the wrost time of my life. I know sex is a touchy subject...

I just found this on wikipedea: In a March 6, 2004 letter by Brian G. Gilmartin, who performed extensive studies on involuntarily celibate males (whom he termed "love-shy"), he noted that "as many as 40 percent of the cases of severely love-shy men would qualify for a diagnosis of 'Asperger's Syndrome'", a proportion supported in his 1987 book.

I wonder if you too don't, 'go for it' or go for it clumsily and don't get it, (sex, intimacy). I feel so different because i just talked to my last girl on the phone today and realized, again, it's been years on being alone. I went 5 years with next to no intimacy, a kiss or two only. I just have gone two years with not even that. Yikes!

My first time on the site.

hang in there. it is hard for us aspies. if we are in relationships we push people away and if we are not in them we crave the contact. we are complex beings and it is a very hard place to live in.

good luck and welcome to WP and your first post and thread is a good one....

welcome to WP!

i am 29 and i never had a girlfriend, never been with any, never been kissed. and people say i am cute, i have nice ripped body, girls are hitting on me, i just never realize it in time and so here i am a typical case of severely love-shy man.

I am female. 30 now. In my 20's, I never had a problem with intimacy or love except that I think I was getting too much of it. You are talking to the master playa here. I played the playas. Anyway, it was only because I was kinda pretty. Had nothing to do with my social skills. Also, men who sleep around a lot tend to fall in love with a woman who won't sleep with them, so that's how i played the playa's.

Now, I'm married. A couple months before I got married, I was raped, and was awake for every moment of it (he didn't slip me any drug type thing). I have lost all interest in sex since the rape. It is only a marital duty, and I look at it like doing the dishes except I am less apt to procrastinate the dishes (you don't have to act like you are enjoying doing the dishes). I don't like to cuddle like I used to either. I still like to be petted like a cat, and I still love my back rubs, but that's too much work for my husband I guess. Either way, I was active duty military when the rape occurred, and I'm only above 30% disabled with the VA Center because of the PTSD diagnosis regarding the rape, so it at least pays the rent and I can get veteran benefits I wouldn't otherwise qualify to get.

I don't care if anyone has an issue with me milking the gov't like that. The only way they learn something is to hit them where it hurts the most, their wallet. And I'm sorry, but the dude that raped me was active duty military who was obvious that something was wrong with him psychologically, and there were many complaints against him on sexual harassment as well as other rapes, and the military kept handing him rank instead of stamping him psycho and sending him home. Thanks to my testimony, he is now stamped as a criminal instead, and now it's public about his crimes, and he has a little girl. I don't know his relationship with his baby's mamma, but I'm sure she was getting child support until my testimony reduced his rank. Anyway, the military is only starting to care about the women in it. I'm sure all the women collecting VA disability for a rape might have something to do with the new rape intervention centers they finally started to put on bases. For the military to be so obsessed with expecting from individuals the best of the best, exceeding expectations, being all they can be...you'd think they, as a whole, would be that way. Anyway, sorry, touchy subject. Yea, I'm more mad at the military for the rape (as well as myself) than I am at the rapist. I actually feel sorry for the guy. He really was a nice guy except that he couldn't take no for an answer, and it was like it just didn't register in his head that I didn't want to have sex.

Either way, I wanted to say I doubt Aspergers has nothing to do with my intimate life. Maybe I'm just a little different than the norm (aspergers norm, hah, an oxymoron) on that one.

I have had long periods without intimacy, close to your five years, then I have had gluts, a close friend calls these my horny periods. Looking back after my DX I can see all the missed opportunities because I did not get the social signals.

I have to say it (as a joke and semi-serious)

Alcohol is your friend...

This is yet another one of those studies that just states the obvious when it brings the correlation to your attention: like nutrition in childhood and adult height.

Well, I´m a woman, but I can definitely relate. I´m going through the same thing: and it´s been 12, almost 13 years for me! I don´t like it either. But then again, I almost never go out, and I don´t like meeting new people. I can´t stand flirting and small talk...wish I could motivate myself to got out, but that doesn´t really work most of the time anyway; it´s hard for me to do something I don´t care for if there´s going to be no "payback". Well, I guess it´s my own damn fault.

And yeah, I´m undiagnosed- (no money), but I´m quite sure I´m on the spectrum. But I hear getting a diagnosis as a woman is pretty hard anyway...

As crude as this sounds, my right hand is predictable and I never have misunderstandings with it

I used to think that was a problem, but as I look back i realize that I had many opportunities for sex that I either passed on or just wasn't aware of at the time, and that my perceived involuntary celibacy was actually quite voluntary...
it's not that i don't enjoy sex, it's that I don't want all the hassle that comes with it, as well as the expectations that i suddenly am forced to live up to...

Sex isn't that hard to find if you look for it... in just about every bar and club there's a girl looking for a casual encounter , and then there are strip joints and escort services...

I suspect that if you're not getting intimate, it's more because you don't want to than because you can't...

He wrote a brilliant book (Shyness and Love) from the few pages I glanced at (I'll finish it in the next couple months once I finish other priorities), don't let the title scare you off. It has some fascinating insights into likely causes of why (the East German study on nervous mothers and the 7 personality traits that created shy male offspring was particularly interesting) some males end up in such a helpless state of affairs.

The book is out of print, you can read it online however: http://www.love-shy.com/Gilmartin/Dr._B ... &_Love.pdf

I have never been intimate. I am a girl and I am almost 29, btw

But that will be that way until I can find a man to marry

Jill



get it

"TK421, why aren't you at your post?"

"I'm heading down to the detention cell, number 1138 to get me some princess lovin'"

"Carry on"

37 here and never been laid.

Not too embarrassed about it because I KNOW I have had some cute women interested in me. Just no game.