politely refusing offers

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Do other ASD people hate this as much as I do? When someone offers something but expects you to politely decline? I got in trouble for this at a family dinner. My mom brought a raspberry crisp to my aunt's house and then my aunt offered that we could take the leftovers home if we wanted to and my mom said "no.... that's okay" but I said "oooh yes let's take it mummy....I want it" because I did.....I really wanted it. My mom chastised me for this saying that when you give a gift you shouldn't take it back but I said we had taken our deserts home in the past and she said that if someone offers you should politely decline the offer and only if they keep insisting you can take it. What an annoying ritual to go through.........they offer even if they really want to keep it and you have to refuse even if you want to take it! Why can't the gift receiver just keep it and not offer it back UNLESS they really don't want it...in which case the other person can just accept the desert? Why the complication?

It's not customary to offer the leftovers of the cake that you yourself brought to someone's home (it's customary to offer leftovers of food that the hosts prepared). So if your aunt offered, maybe she was just being sincere and you accepting would've been fine. Maybe she's on a diet or there's a reason why she doesn't want to keep the rest of the cake (a diabetic in the house, etc.). I've seen this happen.

Well she just always offers that we can take home various food from her dinners "do you want the restof the chicken, potatoes ect? She asks everyone at the table in general about the different things that different people brought and what she serves. I usually don't like the dinner so I won't want to take that home.....but I like rasberry crisp.

Mmm...raspberry crisp, yummy. I must make a fruit cake now.

Honesty would solve all that trouble. She shouldnt offer if she did not want you to accept, but nobody can convince people of being honest.

This is the reason why I ALWAYS decline. Even if I want something very very much. (( I understood one day that people take offence if I agree to do what they offer (like this story). Sometimes, I think, my renunciation seems rude. But I don't know what people want, they take offence by every thing, it is too hard to please them.

I probably should do this.......

Last edited by daydreamer84 on 17 Sep 2012, 12:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

ya......this.

I thought that was just an asian culture thing.

Hell, there's no telling how many times I've flubbed that one up.

... You mean it's not just an asian culture thing? Ugh. That awful social convention is everywhere...

It's really difficult to tell, I think. I used to get scolded all the time too so now I just decline unless they insist profusely. The same goes for offering people things. When they say no, they could actually mean no, or they could mean they do want it, but you have to insist they take it or they'll look greedy. Why can't people just tell the truth? I'm not a mind reader.

Please put this on my epitaph.

Yes, I agree with PixelPony that this might be "just an Asian culture thing". (But somebody once told me that Koreans sincerely mean "no" whenever they say "no" to anything.)

In school, whenever there is a group project, the student who is most eager to take charge of the project will usually ask, "Who is willing to take charge?", then wait for everybody else to decline before he/she announces that he/she will be taking charge. By doing so, the student shows the rest of the group that he/she is "democratically elected".

(Years ago, the girl who hosted a party genuinely wanted me to bring home the leftovers of the junk food that I had brought because she was on a diet, so Moondust's post makes sense to me.)

Let us assume that...
1. Your aunt is eager to keep the raspberry crisp for herself.
2. She mentions that you can take the leftovers home if you want to.
3. She waits for your mom to decline.
4. By doing so, she shows everybody present that she is polite because she has asked your mom for permission to keep the raspberry crisp for herself.

Case 1: NT offers you a suggestion, then ask, "Do you want to accept this?"
You are expected to say "yes".
Case 2: NT offers you goodies such as candies, then ask, "Do you want this?"
You are expected to say "no", although sometimes I just feign ignorance, say "yes", then thank the NT afterwards.
Case 3: If NT tells you to "take the leftovers home", you are expected to say "yes", but if NT tells you to "take the leftovers home if you want to" , you are expected to say "no".

And do the guests routinely decline? Or what is their reaction?

If someone offers something I'm going to answer honestly. If they didn't want me to have it and get mad about it I'll just tell them that's too bad, then they shouldn't have asked.

I remember seeing stuff like this on the asspartners site where a nt woman was angry because she went on a picnic with a guy with aspergers and she offered him a sandwich and he actually took it and ate it! He was somehow supposed to psychically know that she wanted half of it or for him not to have it even though she didn't say that and no, it was not the last one.

Yes they usually decline at first but sometimes she inists and they take some but it goes on a long time "you should take this", 'no, I want you to have it" "no, no- you can have it for lunch" ect and then it comes to some resolution where the guest takes some of the leftovers offered but with much hesitation. My mom explained this to me...pointed it out afterwards.

As to the "Asian culture thing" comments ............I'm Jewish and my only NT friend is Chinese. There are oddly a lot of similarities between Jewish and Asian (at least Chinese) culture! She'd probably agree with my mom and be mad at me if I told her this story (she's kind of like my older sister). This may just be a general thing though......I'm not sure........

Edit: In fact I'm going to be a good little Jewish girl now and start doing my school reading for the lecture I missed because I stayed home for the Jewish holiday today.

shana tova everyone!!