Should I tell them? How to tell them?

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1.) I have 2 boys diagnosed with Autism. Both boys are verbal. One is very quiet and the other brother is very loud. I'm trying to figure out ways to blend these brothers together so they don't seem to hate each other. Any suggestions?

2.) My boys are 5 and 8. Should I talk to them about Autism or continue in their lives as if nothing is wrong and that it's the rest of the world that doesn't know how to think.

Welcome to WP!

Of course it matters. Whether or not they know they will still have a hard time, especially when interacting with other children.
I would tell them. It's not good to keep secrets from your kids, they might hold it against you when they find out later in life. I'm not saying that they will but it's a possibility.

I did not know I was autistic until last year. I had terrible grades in school and was always alone on the playground. I do sometimes hold it against my teachers and mother for not noticing the signs. I know I shouldn't, I just keep thinking that if I had known I could have gone further in my schoolwork.

I don't know if your eldest son knows if he's different. I just thought I was slow and shy. Other people here did feel different to other children. You should see how he's doing in school and ask him about the other kids, if they say anything about him.

What is their actual diagnosis? Is it just autism or high functioning autism, PDD-NOS or Asperger's? Sometimes having the autistic label is too much to take. If someone told me at 5 that I was autistic I'd disagree because I saw it how the world saw it, in the severe non-verbal way.

I would tell them, in a way that describes it without using the autistic label. Other people might say something else. I'm only 23 and I've never had kids, so I don't really know how to talk to them.

Both Boys have a diagnoses of autism. Both are high functioning. From what I have been told there is ASD(autism spectrum disorder) which is am umbrella for all that have some symptoms of autism but not all the symptoms. My boys have all the symptoms so they are considered autistic. They walk on their tiptoes, use stimming a lot, have sound sensory issues and other sensory issues. The children in his class are very caring and loving to Bowen. They always want to do stuff for him. It wasn't long before he learned he could have the girls taking his coat off for him, getting his lunch out of his box, bringing him books to look at. He knew eaxctly what he was doing because he tried to get me to do the same things at home, stuff he had done many times on his own before. I quickly nipped this in the bud because I don't want him to think he can use his autism to get away with things. Both my boys are actually really popular in school especially with the little girls. I think it's just a mothering/nuturing thing that little girls have.

What should I say? Should I just come out and say Bowen you have autism and wait for his response or questions. I'm sorry I seen you said not to use the autistic label. Autism is mentioned around him at school by his teachers and it's a word heard often in our home. I would almost want to use autism and make it a possitive thing before somebody has a chance to use autism as a negative thing to him.

Don't straight out say that they're autistic. First ask them what they think autism means. They might have the mainstream view or they might know a little bit more. Then talk about mild autism, and slowly relate it to them. They might be shocked, or fine. You don't know how people will react to it. I remember I said 'I'm not austistic, I have problems socialising but I'm not autistic.' Oh how wrong I was. I was a smart mouthed 20 year old though.
Just let your boys know that they shouldn't feel different, that they shouldn't feel embarrassed about stimming or toe walking, and they shouldn't feel embarrassed about asking for help in school. I'm not saying special ed classes but extra instruction in the mainstream classroom if they need it.
Anyway, I hope I helped.

you could get him a book designed for kids...

http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book.php/i ... 1853029301

...is quite good, i think.

Jessica Kingsley Publishers has LOADS of books on autism. Tony Attwood ones are good & ones by Luke Jackson and his mum are good too.

hope that helps

its better to tell them sooner rather than later because if they are not already aware they are "different" they will be before long. Luke Jackson said in his book its best to tell kids as soon as possible.

In my opinion, when the child starts asking questions about why he or she is different from other children, then it's time to talk to them about autism.

My 7 year old son has Aspergers. Last year, he started asking my why gym class is so much harder for him than other kids, why he goes to speech but his classmates don't, etc, etc. So, I felt it was time.

I first spent a few weeks pointing out to him how different people are good at different things. Then, when I felt he understood that pretty well, I got a sheet of paper and made a list of good and bad things about having AS.

On the good list, I put things like:

1. AS is why you are so good at seeing details
2. AS is why you knew most of the alphabet before you were two years old and why other children don't learn that until 3 or 4.
3. AS is why you love learning so much (and that's good).

On the "bad" list, I put things like:

1. AS is why you have to go to a special class to learn conversation skills but other children learn it by themselves.
2. AS is why gym class is so hard for you and why you have to go to physical therapy and occupational therapy.
3. AS is why some sounds hurt your ears.

etc, etc, etc.

The "good" and the "bad" lists both had about 9 or 10 items on them and I said, "There are lots of people that are a lot like you in what they are good at and what they have trouble with. We say that people that are similar to you have Asperger syndrome."

Then I explained that AS was like having "a little bit of autism". Then I explained other forms of autism and what people with those forms of autism are like.

Most importantly, I didn't try to impose a judgement on him about AS. I didn't try to tell him that AS was good or bad. I will let him form his own opinion because, ultimately, he has a right to decide that for himself.

I was diagnosed with autism at around age 10 but my parents did not tell me. They had ideas for my present and future (music performance) and weren't about to let anything interfere. In 4th grade I was sent to the school shrink who asked me a zillion questions which I considered ridiculously basic about friendship. All of a sudden my parents' bookshelves were filled with books by Bruno Bettleheim about treating autistic children.

I read those books in 4th grade and was horrified at the cruelty toward the children. I did not associate myself with them, though, but wondered what had overtaken my parents to suddenly become obsessed with such a bizarre subject. They had me on a track of their own and nothing was going to interfere (music performance) so that was the end of that. Oh, and that school shrink actually moved into the house next door and after all the blather about friendship never even said "Hi." I thought sure, chalk up another hypocrite.

If I had been told I "had a bit of autism" and a form of high-functioning autism it would have EXPLAINED SO MUCH ! ! and saved me 48 years of anguish and bewilderment.

So by all means gently tell your children and give them love, acceptance, encouragement and support. Aspergers has many blessings and strengths and it is a joy to cultivate those. The deficits can for the most part be overcome. Aspies can learn anything.

As soon as I got my diagnosis, I was told, and expected to find out what it meant on my own. Being diagnosed AS, and not knowing what AS was, or that it was in any way connected to autism, which I didn't know anything about either, didn't help me. At the time I would deny anything associated with a label, simply because I didn't want to be different. That was 13. I knew there was something, not wrong or different, but just something about me that caused me to be less liked, and this became more and more evident as I got older. Had I have been diagnosed at 4 when my dad suspected there to be something "wrong" with me, I would have probably been more accepting of the diagnosis, and have been able to live a somewhat better life. Problem is family dynamics would have made things worse. My parents still know very little about autism, although they know a lot more than most people. And now to start getting to the point...

If you plan to tell your children, make sure you learn everything you can about all of autism, that way your children can feel more at home talking with you about it, otherwise, they are better off not knowing. It causes a child so much pain to not be able to get help from the people they care about most. My parents were the ones who just wanted me to be normal and would do anything that made sense to get me there, and they still don't treat me the best they could if they knew exactly how autism affects me, although they do treat me very well, they assume I am more on the odd side of NT than the more normal side of AS, and so they treat me as a more independant individual, and I need the help of others more than that. By knowing everything you can about autism, you will be able to help them with anything that is troubling them about it, but that also means you will have to get to know as much as you can about exactly how it affects them. If you notice bad habits developing, either end the habit, or replace it with a good one. I lack certain hygiene habits because my parents never tried to create good structured habits like I needed, so I struggle to try and get things like brushing my teeth into a normal daily habit. I also know that once I attach the habit as a part of routine to something I do daily where I can do the teeth brushing with it, I will always be able to do it, but that means that if I attach it to breakfast, I cannot eat breakfast out as it would break my habit and I would struggle to keep with it.

I wonder if it's possible to start without even saying 'autism?'

I too learned much later in life and like Pensive, fight to not resent the parents for not telling me. At 15 they found out there was 'something' but didn't know what and thus never told me, continuing to treat me like it was me being consciously stubborn.

On the one hand, it would have been extremely helpful to know, so I could focus my strengths and better know my weak points.

But on the other hand, no kid wants to be labeled. Especially something that amounts to 'special ed.'

So I wonder if it's better to start in vague terms. "Your brain is wired a little differently. Not better or worse, just different, like being lefthanded in a righthanded world. This is why you're so good at... and why you have a little harder time with..."

That, with a whole lot of (as much as I hate to quote Jeremiah Wright), different is not deficient.

But I too never had children. Not an expert! Just going on what I think would have helped me.


- Jo

My Mum told me when I was 11. I think you should tell them when they're younger rather than later. When I was 11 I couldn't really see what would be so bad about it. I'm only 13 now, but I think I would have been significantly more upset now.
At age 8 I would have barely thought about it. I don't know though, it depends how you explain it, I mainly learnt about most of it from other sources after my Mum told me I had it.
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