Mom is an undiagnosed Aspie, anyone with Aspie parent?

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Hi, I'm new here and wasn't sure if this was the best place to post this, but my mom is an undiagnosed Aspie. I see some Aspie traits in myself, but I don't know that it's enough to be diagnosed. Life with my mom has always been difficult and the older I get it seems like I have a harder time coping and I'm wondering what to do. I want to have a good relationship with her, but it seems like no matter what I do she villainizes me. She views everything I do as a personal attack against her even though things I do rarely have anything to do with her. Some examples are moving to another state because my husband got a new job, at Thanksgiving she perceived one of my tics (I have Tourette's) where I look off to the side as my constantly rolling my eyes at her, flying a different airline to my brother's wedding because the airfare was cheaper for me and he was paying for her airfare with his airline miles, and even my standing at the counter of a fast food place waiting for the order when she goes to sit down (she started complaining to the other person with us about how I was making her wait too long and she didn't know why I was doing that to her). I've reached a point where I can't stand being around her and I don't know what to do. I've often wondered if I should bring up that she (might be) is an Aspie, but when I suggested it about our mom to one of my brothers (who heavily favors Aspie tratis as well), he was deeply offended. I feel lost and hopeless. Anyone have a thought on the matter, do you have an Aspie parent, or what have your experiences been as an Aspie?

Isn't it marvellous how everyone who is rude, nasty and showing signs of a personality disorder is now suddenly "Aspie"? Thanks, "the media"...

(ezrinjaz, just sent you a private message.)

I am pretty sure my mother is on the spectrum.

In my case, my mother always tried to be considerate, although it often went unnoticed by others because she didn't understand that other people had different priorities and ambitions, and my sister and I both think that our mother never really knew us. Lots of awkward silences, yes. Lots of comments that went down as a 'faux pas.... yes. But she had good intentions, worked hard and always made sure I had food on my plate each evening.
I would much rather have had this mother than some of the truly incompetent monsters that are out there in some places in the Neurotypical World.

Unfortunately, you don't know anything about my situation and I feel it's unfair to make such a rude comment and assumption based on a small post. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt my mom is an Aspie which has been confirmed by friends who are diagnosed Aspie's that know my mother. I'm simply trying to figure out how to cope and would love to hear if anyone has had any success in getting a diagnosis for a parent, if they think there is a point to it, or how they have managed in their relationships. I feel lost at trying to communicate with her and I want that to change.

Thanks, Chris! I sent you a message back.

Nothing you described has anything to do with aspergers.

Gach!

Now we have wannabe Aspies projecting their "expert" opinions onto people they don't like, and "diagnosing" them as Aspies, as well.

[snarkasm]

Tellya what; I am a straight, white, middle-aged male. Everyone on WP acts like me, so they must all be straight, white, middle-aged males.

Furthermore, since the OP's "mom" also seems to act like me, "she" must also be a straight, white, middle-aged male, albeit in drag!

[/snarkasm]

Now, doesn't that make perfect sense?

Well you go on a aspie forum, saying your mom is an aspire and then go on to describe negative traits that have nothing to do with being an aspie.

I would there is even greater chance that you are an aspie.

Hi Ezrinjaz,

I could have written your post- I have a similar relationship with my mom and believe she has AS traits that explain some of her behavior. Let me stress that my mom's negative treatment of me is NOT the only reason I think she may have AS traits. I think that Aspies are kind, generous, wonderful people (especially those on this forum). I also have AS traits as well.

She takes everything I do as an offense to her. For example, I went to get my hair done with my grandmother and my mom told me "If you're going to get your hair done with your grandmother, I don't trust her judgement and that shows me you don't care about your hair. If you go through with this, give me my straightener back, you don't deserve it." (She was upset that I went to the salon with my grandmother and not her, but she doesn't invite me.)

Anyway, I include that to tell you you're not alone. I have chosen not to mention Asperger's to my mom- I think she will just be offended and lash out at me. If I start educating her about Asperger's to show that it explains some things my dad and I do (without mentioning her), I think it could work, but I also think it could backfire. I don't want to open up to her to have her tell me that I'm "full of BS."

Would you be willing to try talking to your mother about Asperger's because you think you have traits of it, without mentioning that you think she has it? That way, she would have the information and could decide whether it applied to her.

Also- do you notice that your mom gets along better with men than women? My mom gets along well with my dad and my brother, but seems more critical of me as well as other women in her life. I believe this may have to do with the "male brain" that some say goes with Asperger's. What is your mom's relationship like with the brother you mentioned? Your other brothers? Do you have any sisters?

Do you see other AS traits in your mom besides a failure to see things outside of her perspective? For example, my mom shows some signs of face-blindness, is obsessed with organization and routine, has what looks to me like a special interest, and has trouble processing multiple pieces of information at one time. (She gets overwhelmed by strong scents, driving, and the supermarket because of the level of sensory information.)

While I'm really sad that I can relate to you because I would never want anyone else to deal with what I did, I'm not sure if what you described below is enough to qualify your mom as an Aspie on its own. You might want to look up Narcissistic Personality if you haven't already.

Good luck- hope to hear more from you.

I apologize for being so unclear. Here are some details about her: my mother has a difficult time with relationships. I have never known her to have any friends. The best way I know to describe her is that she lives in a bubble world where everything is about her and the tiniest things set her off, such as someone was wearing sunglasses in winter and it really upset her because in her mind summer is when one would wear sunglasses. She is obsessive about certain topics and will talk endlessly about them (certain medical conditions and Phantom of the Opera). She knows nothing about what is going on in my life, and if I try to talk to her, she ignores that I'm even speaking and continues on about whatever she wants to talk about. She has never smiled, she has a constant stone look on her face that rarely changes. She is very rigid in what she likes and doesn't like, there is no gray area with her, everything is black and white. She has a difficult time with idioms and some areas of spoken language, and frequently repeats herself without realizing she's doing it. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but simply some examples.

Hi, urbanpixie!

Thanks for the response and suggestions. I'm hate that anyone has to grow up in a household where they don't experience love and affection. Growing up in my mom's household was very cold and there was no emotion or affection; however, she is very generous when it comes to people she feels are less fortunate and it's something I really admire about her. She also gets very overwhelmed by things that don't really bother others, for example the driving and anything outside of her routine or comfort zone. She also has a hard time comprehending when things are inappropriate. I had wondered about Narcissistic Personality, but there's so much more about her that goes well beyond just being narcissistic, so I've done extensive research on that and Autism.

The reason I haven't brought it up to her yet is because I'm afraid of her lashing out. When I mention things to her she seems to be completely content or flies off the handle and there is no way of guessing which reaction she will have. As for the relationships, she and the middle brother are very close, but the youngest brother is very resentful of her. I don't have any sisters, so I'm the only female I've witnessed her having a relationship with. She cut off contact with her entire family as soon as she was married and after my dad died, she cut off contact with all of them, because she has been paranoid that everyone wanted to take us kids from her despite their trying to help offer support. She would also take off for hours at a time when we were growing up for "alone time" and never tell us she was leaving, where she was going, when she would return because she didn't feel we needed to know (she usually went for long drives, out to eat, to a movie, shopping), and I developed anxiety issues over it.

I don't want any of this to sound like I'm anti-Aspie, I have some dear friends who are diagnosed Aspie's and some of my favorite people in this world, and they have helped tremendously with helping me come to this understanding about my mother, and I do love my mother which is why I'm trying to get some ideas on how to improve my relationship with her.

Damned!

First: I admire you for surviving growing up with a mom like that.

Some of it does sound very aspergian. Some of it is just odd.

All one can say is the old WP refrain that "no can diagnose someone from afar. You gotta have them get the full professional diagnosis."

Thanks, naturalplastic, I appreciate it. I think I'm just trying to work up the courage to talk to her about going to see someone about getting diagnosed.