rejection

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ever since i started primary school (4-12) i have been rejected by many of my peers and this has caused great anxiety and deppression, on my never ending journey to discover peace of mind i bid you two questions

emotional self punishment - i can remember instances before and after 7 years old when i was given a present to open, i would display great joy at seeing what id be given but at the same time i would punish myself emotionally imagining what it would be like if i was completely ungreatful for them and just try and make myself feel as guilty as possible, almost making myself cry, what do you think could be the psychological reason for this?

i know this is off-topic and out of context...but i would appreciate anything

Social rejection in school is too trivial to get anxious and depressed about (even though I very much did), and if you have a friend or two then it should help a lot to be able to see that you don't need those "peers" who have chosen not to like you. Everyone will probably go different ways and either forget all about the social scene in school, and some who are popular now might miss that for the rest of their lives, after graduation, when it all ends.

I know that I had fewer but better friends than all of the "peers" who didn't like me, even because my friends DIDN'T forget about me after we graduated and they are still my friends.

Self-punishment I'm not sure about but maybe you were made to feel guilty or selfish for not expressing enough feelings about gifts, and it is or was easier for you to express the shame than the joy ... and that would be because you might not have the natural body language to express the feelings that are expected, because many of us here have the same problem.