? for Aspies re: sharing diagnosis

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Hi. I have a 5yo son who has Asperger's. I haven't talked with him yet specifically about his dx, and I wanted to come here and get feedback from people who have lived through this situation.

How did you learn of your dx? Do you wish it would have been done differently? Earlier? Later?

My little guy is really smart. I am actually surprised he hasn't asked me yet about why he needs extra support in some areas, or why some things seem to be more difficult for him than his peers. He is so sensitive and such a perfectionist, I feel like I really need to put a lot of thought into how I talk with him about it. Any tips?

Thanks!
Christine

hi christine,
good luck with your son.
i am AS and my son has to go for a dx to be checked out.

in the parents section of WP there are some amazing parents who have gone through the same issues regarding when to tell their kids.
gbollard is one WP member who is AS and who has sons with ASD's. he may be good to talk with.

YOur son sounds lovely and bright.

hope WP helps you with identifiying and with practical advice and solutions etc.

Knowing how you are different is really important. It's important both for matters of identity and because you have to figure out how to live your life and solve problems. If you don't know how your brain works, and why it works that way, how are you supposed to do any of that with any kind of accuracy?

So yes, tell him right away. Basically, "You're an Aspie; that's why you're different. Some things are hard for you, and why we're helping you; but you're also very good at these other things, which is why you're getting this and this extra opportunity to practice those things..." Be casual about it, just state facts. Don't act like it's horrible or scary or wrong to have Asperger's, because obviously it isn't. At his age there's no reason it should be that big a deal. He's still a little kid, and being different hasn't taken on the huge social connotations it will have later. If he figures out now that it's OK to be different, it'll be harder for other people to try to convince him it's not OK later on.

I felt really betrayed when my mother told me she'd been keeping my probable autism from me... It was like she thought it was something horribly shameful that I couldn't handle. But she didn't get it--I was autistic and having a name for it wouldn't have changed that any. Instead, I just thought I was lazy and immature...

oh, and i might add - I was dx'ed at age 46.
i always knew i was different. i think if i had been given a name for all the funny oddities about me when i started school i would have appreciated the honesty and openness. as it was, i just battled along until 2008. and sadly, i do mean "battle."

sooner the better in my view.

i say tell him in the beginning of the 4th grade. i was VERY bothered by being different from my peers in the 5th grade. i kept stressing about being younger than classmates, being dressed better then them, and so on. if you EXPLAIN him the dx it will take a lot of the self blame and torment out of it.

you might want to build up to it over time so that it's no big deal when you finally talk about it. Start by telling him how he is special and talk about the traits which make him not like most other kids, with ecouragement and in a positive light. Aspergers can be very positive, actually, so you might want to project that fact while you build up to it.

I agree with all the comments above.

I can remember having problems with other people from the age of 8 and didn't get a DX until I was 42. I wouldn't wish the intervening 34 years of bafflement, frustration and severe anxiety on anyone. It is much, much better to know. If you understand your problems (and gifts) they are much easier to deal with.

I pursued my diagnosis independantly. I found out about AS in 2001 which coincided in my parents telling me that I was observed in the classroom by a psychologist at the age of 4 because of what the teachers termed 'asocial behaviour'. Suffice to say nothing was diagnosed (this being before AS was officially recognised in the UK). I decided to seek diagnosis because of difficulties coping with university and was formally diagnosed when I was 21. In retrospect I wish that I was diagnosed much earlier as there is nothing worse than being conspicuously different and not knowing the reason why

Thanks, everyone. Your ideas and insights are so helpful for me. It's strange, as I've read five million autism books I have a lot of those same traits. And mainly what I remember of my whole childhood is the vague sense that I wasn't like the kids around me. I preferred to be around the adults and the adults preferred to try to push me off on the kids so they could have adult time. I did have friends but I just couldn't really figure out how to function in a group of kids--it made me very uncomfortable.

Anyway, whether I am some form of undiagnosed aspie remains to be seen and I am doing OK at this point in life so I suppose it doesn't really matter much. What does matter is that every time I picture myself talking with him about it I feel like I am going to cry, no because I think it's a bad thing, but because I picture him growing up with the lonliness that I experienced and it breaks my heart. But obviously if I cry when I talk with him about it, that is going to make it seem like I think it's awful.

I have started the ground work...Just throwing in here and there, "Everyone has some things that they are good at and some things that are hard for them. It's so cool the way you love to learn about animals and you remember all of those animal facts!" He has already announced that he when he grows up he wants to, "move to Africa and teach people English and study the animals there." He came up with that all on his own. He's such a cool kid. Oh, and his other aspiration is to "be a grandpa who hunts".

Anyway, I'll take any advice I can get, so keep it coming. Maybe I need to go have some counseling so I can have this conversation with him without bursting into tears and making him think he's going to die. lol!