Appearently I bother people

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So, I had my 'yearly performance review' this morning at work. Since Ive only been there 3 months, it wasn't really a performance review as more of a short discussion about how I am doing.

Overall, my boss told me that I am a very quick learner, and do excellent work. He even complimented me for doing a better job then some of the other people who have been there 10 years.

However, he told me that I need to work on communicating with the other engineers better. Specifically, I need to come across as more friendly or something. When I asked for details he just said that a couple people mentioned that they were a bit annoyed by my behavior. Of course this doesnt help me, so I ask who was annoyed, and what I did to annoy them. My boss just told me that he didnt want to name names, but I could fix the problem by being more professional.

So now I have to figure out who I am bothering, and how it is that I am bothering them without any useful information. I told my office partner about this and he just stared at me like I was crazy. Apparently I am supposed to figure it who I am annoying by telepathy or something...

Anyways, I am off to meditate until I evolve the ability to read minds. If that plan fails, Ill just go around smiling more. I think the main problem is my lack of smiling.

Oh dear, good luck with that. That never helped me much, either; would explain why I see myself a lot more these days like Rorschach from Watchmen....

If you can provide more detailed info on how you generally behave around co-workers, also how you behave when you are in a better or worse mood as this also affects people's impressions of you, someone may be able to give you advice. If you can also provide information on the usual reaction to this it may also be useful.

Personally i don't think this sort of thing can be helped. NT's annoy each other all the time as well, you don't need to be autistic to annoy people.

The main difference is NT's go and tell everyone who annoyed them and why. You could try doing the same but if anyone ever confronted you, everyone would more than likely see you in a bad light as you are the odd one out.

Been there. Very tedious.

No doubt your boss does not mean that you must be more professional. The opposite.

You're probably right, and smiling more will go a long way. Smile at everyone. Apologize cheerfully without making even a pretense of meaning it whenever it seems even remotely possible that your existance has inconvenienced someone. Be surruptitiously nosy and observe when co-workers are having trouble and then offer to help them by apologizing for offering to help.

Are you diagnosed with AS? If so, the employer and coworkers should try and accommodate you by understanding that with AS, you are ALWAYS going to have problems with normal office relationships.

Hate to say it, but not annoying people is very hard with AS. You don't know exactly what you did to annoy others, and you won't know you're doing it unless you know what behavior to avoid and realize you're doing it when you shouldn't.

It definitely doesn't help when people don't specifically tell you what is the problem. If they don't know about AS, they'll presume you are doing it to be contrary or difficult.

Some good advice in these replies. I agree that the manager wasn't doing his job very well if he didn't say anything more than that. Unless you know what's expected of you to improve you can't do anything about it.

Maybe if you ask if there's anything specific that's been mentioned as a problem he could tell you what it is, not mentioning anyone by name if he doesn't want to. It could be you have a mannerism that grates on some of the people who work nearby for instance. He might have felt embarrassed or uncomfortable about saying something "personal" to you and dodged the issue, but perhaps if you ask a specific question and make it easy for him you'll get something more useful.

Even if people find you hard to get on with for reasons they can't really explain he should tell you that. Familiar territory for me this one, and there might not be much you can do about it aside from making an effort to smile. You could also try showing a mild interest in whatever it is your colleagues most often talk about aside from actual work (in my office that's football, so I check out last night's scores every morning and remember who supports which team). Or maybe you could try analysing whether there are any little routines that you're not following that everyone else does (offering to get a coffee for people who sit near you whenever you're getting one for yourself for instance was an unspoken tradition where I work).

I also have a few stock apologies that I seem to use quite a lot, at least whenever it occurs to me that I need to. It's all stuff like "sorry, I wasn't ignoring you - I tend to get wrapped up in what I'm thinking about" and "my mistake, I do tend to be a bit literal" and "whoops, ignore me, in a world of my own as usual". Delivered with a quick smile it seems to work most of the time. Nobody much wants to be my friend (and I can live with that), but I've been getting by for years without offending too many people.

Well, NT's bother us, too.

I am really botehred by their intolerance.

Why can't I stay to mself or not talk or talk too much?

I am told I bother people, too. Well, they botehr me. So who should change?

The worst thing an aspie in a workplace can do is get into an argument with someone. I did that today and I came across as loud and threatening. My lack of facial expressions and monotone voice didn't help. This happened in front of some of the bosses too.

Just wanted you to know I am not winning popularity contests at work either I just try to keep a low profile but people tend to notice that you don't talk much and keep to yourself. Its a no win situation.

All of this makes me so sad I could cry. It's really very upsetting to me because I've been through it and still carry the emotional scars. I'm retired now, have been for almost three years. In my last job, which I held for 9 years before retiring, it was by far the worse, probably because it was a very large health care system. I took this job late in life, had no idea then that I had Asperger's, never even heard of Asperger's. I just knew I was different and people always seemed to treat me horribly as if I didn't deserve the same respect as everyone else got. Came right out and said insulting things to me which always sent me into a state of disbelief or shock. It was a hundred times worse than being in high school again. Professional bullies, I mean to say, bullies that work in a professional setting, have years and years to hone their bullying skills. When someone who does not operate under a facade enters their workforce, doesn't play their game or understand their social protocol, they stick out like a sore thumb and become a target for all kinds of cruelty which apparently they, the bullies, don't recognize as cruelty. They are team players, model employees, the cream of the organization's crop. This has got to stop!


Back to the original poster: Sorry for the rant. And sorry that you have to be experiencing this unpleasantness, to put it mildly. You did receive much good advice from the other posters, excellent advice from those who have been there. I hate to tell you to smile, it's such a strain to be constantly forcing yourself to smile. But you do deserve to know what is being said about you. Can't you go to Human Relations/Resources or ask for a peer advocate? I didn't trust my HR department, they were some of the nastiest and very cut-throat type of people. Maybe your HR department is better. I wish you luck. If this situation escalates, please take your story to a higher authority.