Do you have problems with "awareness"?

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My girlfriend and I have been having a lot of fights lately because she says I have a serious "awareness" problem. By her definition it's when I say or do something that may not be appropriate given the circumstances, or when I tend to live in my head too much. She says it makes it seem like I have no consideration for the outside world or for people's feelings, even though I do of course.

Do any of you tend to have this problem? If so, how do you overcome it?

This is such a stupidly huge problem for me too.
I think sometimes friends who really dont get me think that I dont care or that I snubbed them because I havent talked to them in a while. but those friends seem to have issues as well and Im just uncomfortable dealing with them for osme reason, as much as I hate to be that way. But in general it does seem that I have a problem figuring out what the hell other people are htinking or feeling unless they say it, straight up. To deal with it, well I guess you just have to ask them literally what they are thinking or feeling. It has been very akward at times but it helped me a little. the problem is some people dont have the patience to spell it out for you, and may see you as stupid. Which is of course the polar opposite of the truth.

My problem is I'm coming off as careless, which as you said is the polar opposite from the truth. I actually care a lot. My problem is I tend to get so wrapped up in those idle thoughts we all have I tend to space out or be clutzy. I also tend to miss signals by a mile. My girlfriend's helped spell it out for me, but she's losing her patience a bit and it's causing us to fight. And I don't want to push things that far to the limit just to improve myself and our relationship.

ah yes missing signals. I have missed every damned signal any girl has ever given. In fact, I found out a girl actually WANTED to go out with me and even asked me if I would consider marrying her if she ever got divorced. but all the time Ive known this girl I NEVER saw her signals that she liked me. So she found another guy (who is a friend of mine so its alright) and married him. But she still quite obviously likes me and he knows she does. but its not a problem. the point is, I never saw the signs, and I missed out on this chance because of aspergers. Ironically, she also has aspergers, which is probably why she was so interested in me and still is. Of course, I wouldnt go between her and her husband, as they are both very good friends of mine.

You'll have to have a talk with her, and let her know exactly what you are letting us know, if you haven't. She is going to need to accept that you have difficulty in this and be willing to give you a little leniency in this area. Everyone has something they just aren't good at. That would be HER part in this. It takes work to keep a relationship going.

Next, after she is willing to accept this, let her know that you want her help to fix it. If she sees you "day dreaming" then she is to poke you (discretely) or kiss you (if you are in private) or just get in your line of vision and smile like a maniac.

Then let her know that you can't read minds and that you will need her to tell you what she needs/wants from you. Either by some not very subtle at all "hints" such as plopping the bag of trash on your lap, or asking if you want the napkin you just threw in the sink washed for tomorrow. Or if she wants a hug then she needs to cuddle up or just tell you. On the same note you need to try your best to get your thoughts out there as well. Tell her you will make an effort to let HER know what you are thinking or wanting. She can't read mind either.

a good 90% of the time im inside my head haha, its like a dang merry go round in my head its great lol. it takes a lot of frustration, concentration, and understanding, along with accepting stuff to pull urself out of ur head to be more aware of the situation. i like what other ppl are saying, u need to explain to her whats going on, even if it is done by computer or texting, seeming rude, or emotionless, or in ones own head is all autistic traits, its apart of having autism. Maybe if you could explain that to her, and then itll help calm down some fights, and then both of you could work on trying to make u more aware of how u are. Just understand it will be hard, its like trying to make ur brain do the impossible, but its defintely possible. Whats best though if u both are on the same page and both are working at it together. anyways good luck

Awareness of what?

I prefer not to make guesses about what other people are thinking inside themselves. I only pay attention to externally observable things. I also do not "read between the lines". I believe if one wants to be understood, one should state clearly what one has to say and not depend on hints and guesses.

ruveyn

I can definitely identify with this issue - especially the part about the girlfriend losing patience with it. It seems you are one step ahead, since she is actually willing to help. In my experience, the more common response was "what is wrong with you?" (especially since we had no idea about AS at the time.)

Since you already know what is "wrong" (for lack of a better word), hopefully she will come to understand that the issue stems from the way your brain is wired - which makes it really difficult for you to display the appropriate "awareness." Even though you are not completely blind to others feelings, you can be a bit "nearsighted" - which doesn't mean you are insensitive to their feelings - there is just a bit of a processing delay that puts you out of sync.

That doesn't excuse you from behaving inappropriately - which is where her help comes in. Hopefully she will quickly come to understand that the issue isn't going to go away anytime soon - so arguing about it isn't going to help. It's one of the main characteristics of AS.

Maybe in 20-30 years you will get good enough at detecting situations when you are liable to say or do the wrong thing that you will be able to avoid it most of the time (for heaven's sake - NTs have been known to exhibit inappropriate behavior on occasion, too.) Maybe sooner, if she is willing to collaborate with you & give you some guidance in these situations.

Best of luck!

OP, tell your girlfriend not to pull those BS hints and be direct, for one.

Yes, this. DO EET. NAO. I occasionlly do that and I have no problem with that. At least something similar, if i'm bothering then now/asking people on my popularity and all



then fall them fa***ts/pieces of s**ts/social f**ktards/etc for deciding to force their neurotypical crap on you

(above 'insult them back' post was joking, and that was typed as I was having a n***a moment)

EDIT: lol, i seem mean. sawwy :/



PROTIP: Show her this thread so it's easier

Seriously.



Tell her to stop hinting and being direct then. Her fault that her 'indirect' manner doesn't work on someone who sees that is meaningless social games.

I find that one of the main reasons I'm forever being told indignantly that I did/didn't do or said/didn't say something that was 'hurtful' to someone is because my priorities seem to be a lot different that most (NT?) people's priorities. It wasn't so much that I wasn't aware as that I didn't see that something would be a problem because I had no idea why it would be seen as so important.

I'm on the board of directors (and one of the founders) of a local non-profit organization & we had a meeting last night. One of the other directors (VERY NT), is one of the most passive-aggressive people I know - almost everything that comes out of his mouth includes a subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) insult to someone else. Yet, he is never called out for being insensitive, inappropriate, or hurtful (probably - at least in part - because he has donated a lot of money to our organization.) But when I try to speak up on behalf of taking a more difficult ethical stand, instead of the easier path that might destroy friendships - I get chastised for "opening a can of worms" and generally being undiplomatic.

(By the way, I also donate a lot of cash to the organization - so while money may be one of the reasons that people seem to be more respectful of him, it doesn't seem to be any help in my case. It's just that he's a "successful businessman" & I'm just a wage slave who has saved my money to donate to the cause.)

very painful thread.

Yes and it is why I tend to stay out of relationship. There were tiems I was passionately involved and caring inside, but outside it did not show and it was very hurtful to us both. NOw I am friedn with guys but I can't go down that road because it is too hard to commnicate a feeliong and relatioships need that.

Yes, this is an issue for me, and I don't think can be completely overcome because it is something that involves multitasking - being aware of many different things simultaneously - which Aspie brains, being 'mono', have difficulty with.

For me, it depends who I'm with. If it is people who know me and accept me as saying 'eccentric' things, then I'll carry on being myself openly saying what pops into my head. If it is people who don't know me very well, or who have a problem with the way I express myself, I will be quieter, or I will concentrate very hard to try to maintain some awareness of things. It depends on the importance of the situation.

Mostly, if people have a problem with the way I express myself, I don't spend time with them. But if it's unavoidable - say, if it's a work situation and some kind of communication is essential - then I'll be silent and only speak when it's necessary.

I try joining in small talk sometimes because people can get uncomfortable if you are completely quiet. But I'm resigned to the fact that people generally always consider me a bit 'odd' - they either like the oddness and find it endearing or refreshing, or they dislike it and find it annoying, uncomfortable or threatening.

I've noticed this sort of thing a lot in internal politics of groups. Passive aggression is generally accepted as an okay way of expressing oneself, and, by using it, people can get away with all kinds of things that they'd never get away with by being direct. For some reason, directness seems to scare people - they find it too confrontational.

Yes, I find this too. People think that the things that are important to them should also be important to me. And I find myself amazed at the things NT people attach so much importance to.

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