Rejection feeds on itself

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Alas, it does. That's the tragic nature of rejection. I mean that the more rejected you are, the more people reject you. The reasons:

1) the well-known loss of self-confidence, which makes you unattractive
2) people see others reject you and often reject you themselves too, but even if they don't, they become extra sensitive and critical of your behavior, making it all the more likely that they'll end up rejecting you for something you did that wouldn't be a deal breaker with someone else.
3) the more rejected you are, the more you develop ways to entertain / satisfy yourself, the more you become different from others and individualistic, the less you fit in, the more you are rejected.
4) the more rejected you are, the less connected you are to what's going on around you, the less others find you a source of connection to the environment, the more they reject you.

Therefore, it may very well be that at some point you're not being massively rejected because of something you're doing socially wrong / AS but as a consequence of the feeding of rejection on itself, the first cause of rejection currently not existing (if a native English speaker can explain this phrase better, I'll be grateful)

(I should write a book on being rejected, I don't think anyone's ever existed as rejected as me.)

this is the depressive spiral. we autistics are actually fantastic. it's th rejections and misunderstandings that do us over time and again and erode our sense of self.


i like what Dussell sais yesterday in a post.. just ignore it and get on with life.

There is a perception of lack of success in being a member of the group that also feeds on itself.

When people perceive you have a lack of respect in the group mind, they don't want to associate with that and become a part of that rejection dynamic.

When this starts to happen to you, there are few options you have to battle the script that's being imposed on you.

One of the things you can do is totally dominate in one way or another, to make it appear that the frame of reference that everyone tried to apply to you was inferior and wrong. So their attempt to frame you fails, and then their rejection of you becomes discredited.

But it's much easier to never get to the point where the smell of rejection (disrespect, marginalization and avoidance) starts to attach itself to you.

I'm not sure if I understand the last paragraph of your post, Greentea.

But I might add that it can get to the point that you assume at the onset of any social contact that rejection is coming, and therefore avoid any deeping of the relationship. Which is not a very constructive position, but can be reality.

Most of my rejection occurs in the job sector. After filling out an application, providing my pathetic resume, or whatever, (I feel uncomfortable listing achievements, I undermine them telling myself everyone who buys into this achievement driven philosophy is egotistical and vain. Then I feel guilty for having to do it myself) and getting nowhere I become circumspect and begin to figure out, all on my own, why? I cover every area of my life too, from last name, to ethnic heritage, to my obvious flaws and the impressions they leave on others, group dynamics, the person they hired obviously has connections it's nepotism someone who works there knows me already, hates me and tells them not to hire me (in my more paranoid moments), they think I'm not smart, they think I'm not the person they want to work with everyday, they think I am incompetent and can't do the job, everyone else who applied is more qualified than I. I tend to obsess on it.
Is it a cycle? Maybe if it were a group dynamic I was stuck in. Just looking for a job, I don't think it's a cycle that feeds on itself. To find out for sure I would need to visit an image consultant, I bet they could tell me.

Last edited by ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo on 19 Mar 2009, 4:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hmm, maybe this is why I haven't been very badly rejected in the recent past; I switched schools and churches, and nobody has got the idea that I'm a social leper yet. Anyway, since I've learned not to care, it's only in some places that it seems to spread--especially places where my intelligence (which actually isn't so huge, but seems so because I have a big vocab) is seen as a threat. Most other places, most people will put me down to quirky, odd, eccentric, individualistic, and may decide not to socialize mostly because they don't get me (I don't usually get them, either); and it's the other odd, individualistic types that I'll get to know. Well, kind of--it's more like acceptance without any real emotional bond. Acquaintances, if you will. Either that or I'll socialize with a different generation, usually older. I think I can relate better to people my grandparents' age than most. I don't know why.

ephemerella, that's my situation both in the family and at work. That's what I meant by number 2.

sillyputty, I call that number 1 - the self-confidence issue.

It's also easier to dodge rejection if you can avoid letting others define you.

If you have no control how others define you, then the one or two people in the group who are head-games-players or have some problem with you, will always be your downfall.

I know all this theoretically but unfortunately can't apply the fixes and skills in real life practice.

Yeah, there's truth in that. But it's not absolute. If I walk into a new situation, with new people, they don't know who has rejected or accepted me. And one can also get acceptance and rejection from different people in the same social group. I've experienced that.

It's not a cycle that one's doomed to fall into.

I'm the one (so far) who voted "other".

This might be the secret to success socially. You have to appear that you don't have a worry in the world and do not care what others think, even if you do. From my exerience, if someone is a worrier and talks about things they worry about to others, people start avoiding because the worrier cues them in on things they were never aware of before. They start thinking like the worrier and suddenly they are second guessing others. They think of how it was before they started second guessing and experienced anxiety and yearn for the calm they had. They have to retrain their thoughts. This happened to me, I had a friend who cued me in on all kinds of info I never even thought of before, about other people. Elusive observations and insights that went over my head, previously that I was oblivious to and suddenly I felt despised by all.

Callista's inner independence is the first step, I agree. (1) You don't allow others to define you in your own mind. You don't accept their framing of you and own your own self-image in your own mind. Then, the next layer of social skills is (2) not allowing others define you to the group in a way that is inconsistent with your own self-image. (2) requires more social skills and social insight than (1). But you have to be able to do (1) first before you can do (2). (2) usually requires a corollary skill -- defining yourself to the group proactively. This is a leadership skill, actually. In reality, most people negotiate an acceptable perception of themselves, with various members of the group individually.

I've totally experienced what your comment says about sharing worries and complaints of harassment or other negative disrespect that you've been treated with, with others.

I'll pay attention from now on not to share worries and experiences of disrespect. I'd never thought about it. I did know better than to share about childhood abuse and spouse abuse, though.

Regarding negotiating the view others in the group have of you, I don't understand what you mean by it...?

There is another angle you did not cover.

When you are rejected enough times, in spite of it being painful, you become "comfortable" with it. In time, you may prefer dealing with the pain of rejection than try to process the uncertain future of being accepted.

I was a real ass to people and never knew it. I pushed people away because I was afraid of what might happen if people liked me. Once someone pointed out to me that I acted very differently in a group vs. one-on-one, I really had to think about why I did what I did when around others.

Yes, I agree. Rejection often is the beginning of a vicious cycle.

Greentea, I totally agree with your post, based in no small part on experience.

Rejection also arises from revelations that for some reason awaken latent insecurities in others. I have a vague recollection of coming from a large family, with large holiday gatherings, and have equally distant memorie of living with two lovely little girls. Today, my family probably is probably not aware whether I'm alive or dead, no less know what country I am in. And those girls are now teenagers, more strangers than familiar.

This can be a pretty powerful catalyst to get the cycle going. Sure makes me feel oh so special.

A charming and creative poll, Greentea.

1. Like a snake with its tail in its mouth or chicken -egg scenario. You think you're unattractive so you lose confidence so you think you're unattractive so you lose confidence, ad infinitum, around and around it goes. Except for those days when you think you're attractive and gain self-confidence and think you're attractive and gain self-confidence. Got to get the latter to out-number the former and try to eliminate people who hold you down and pull out your pretty feathers. Stop drinking the poison.
2. Oh yes, like, "Well, there must be something wrong with her. Everybody can't be wrong. Let's poke her with a stick and see if she bites. Then, if she bites, we can file a report or punish her by spreading the word to stay away from her, that she snaps out for no apparent reason."
3. "What a odd ball. She's in her own little world. Where the hell did she dig up that outfit? I heard she worships satan burns a black candle in a goat's skull. Too weird for words, that one."
4. "Hellllooo! Anybody home? She's definitely out to lunch. "