how would you want your parents to act?

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I realize I am lucky enough to live in the age where mY son can be dx with asperger's! But I have a question for the adult and even teens with AS. What can I do as a parent to makes things better for my son? What do I NOT do whatsoever? Is there any thing which you wished your parents would have done for you? I want to be the BEST parent for my son!! ! He is only 7 now but I know before long he will be a teenager and I do not want him to think I am not there for him. Any tips, advice or info would be helpful!

I wish my mother wasn’t that OVERPROTECTIVE for all my life and let me do everything on my own. I also wish she didn’t make all those virulent comments on me because they concerned behaviors I couldn’t change or such ones that weren’t harmful for me nor for anybody else.

I wish my parents wouldn't be so overprotective - I want to make mistakes for myself so I can learn from them, not be told not to do something because it would, or could be, a mistake.
I wish my parents wouldn't see every interest I have as an "obsession" - I can't take an interest in something without it being labelled an obsession, even though I know it is just a general interest.
I wish my parents would remember that sometimes I just don't know that I should be doing something that they class as 'normal', like asking if i can help with something - sometimes I just don't recognise that someone needs help so I won't ask, it's not because I'm selfish it's because I just don't "see" it. If you want me to do something then tell me to do it, don't wait until you're so mad because you've been waiting for me to realise that you take your frustration out on me.

That is one thing I think I do! I feel like I am over protective but not just with him but all my kids! I try to let them do things on their own! But I know I do more for them than I need to! I try not to make comments about them because word hurt worse than anything else sometimes!!

1) Teach him a healthy respect for "neurodiversity." Not only is he different from his peers, but his peers are all different from each other. This is a necessary thing to appreciate. The "good guys" are all special. Only the "bad guys" all look the same. I have received formal instruction in sociology and social psychology, and it is a fact. Make sure the "bad guys" in his life are the drug addicts, gang-bangers and potheads, NOT the entire student body at his school.

2) Talk to him openly about trust. He needs to understand the idea that he needs Certain People in his life that he trusts without having to think twice about it. Some of them will be friends. Some of them will be romantic partners. If you haven't screwed the pooch yet, you're on the list. He doesn't instinctively understand this stuff. He needs someone to explain it to him up-front, without any joking around.

3) Get in contact with the psychology and sociology professors at your nearest university, and try to persuade them to allow you and your son to sit in on some of their lectures. At the more liberal universities, professors can be very easy-going about this sort of thing. If they understand your child's situation, most of them will invite you outright. What you want to look for are publications (research papers) by any given professor on subject matter related to autistic-spectrum disorders; the better ones are really very much driven by their intellectual interests, and you can often tell this, if you are perceptive, just by reading over some of their work. If you have an interesting story, they should reply immediately. Attending and sitting in on psychology and sociology courses helped me unbelievably, and I strongly urge you to take at least an evening class in one of these valuable subjects. Learning about human behavior in a formal, inherently non-patronizing setting was the best thing that ever ever happened to me. Suddenly I could understand a lot of ways in which most people wanted essentially the same things out of life, even though they had different methods of seeking them, and I could put it all together. It was like learning as an absolute fact that the Earth was round after always thinking it was flat. That's what it was like to suddenly start seeing depth, feeling, thought and emotion pouring from every human being around me.

Avoid violating his trust. He's an E. Scrooge with it in the first place. If he gets it into his head that you are a source of harm, he will wake up ten years later realizing he's spent his life hating and fearing a person--you--who did nothing but love him, and it will make him feel more horrible and low than he will at any point ever in his life. Having been through that, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

1) Don't let his voice go unheard. Even if he is wrong, he needs to understand that what he says is being taken into fair account. If he reports a bad reaction to a drug, for example, respond to it with every bit of seriousness that he seems to think it deserves.

2) Don't violate his personal space. He needs to have a place to go that he can't be touched or bothered. Everyone needs this. If they don't have it, they will draw into themselves and inevitably get stuck there like I was for nearly eight lonely years. For a child who goes through additional difficulties, this applies doubly. If I could go back in time and swat my parents over the head for every time they tried to stand over me and LECTURE me while I was crying into my sheets, I would sell half my brain to do it.

3) When scolding him, which is of course necessary from time to time, avoid so-called "low-blows." There are certain things you can say to the boy that can lead him to believe he'll NEVER be good enough for you. Bringing up his AS while scolding him over dish duty, for example, is dumb, no matter how ridiculous the tantrum he's throwing over it may be. This may be self-evident to you, but my mother and father were both just as educated and reasonable as you are.

4) Never say, "because I said so." You are dealing with a person who is an E. Scrooge with his trust on levels you can't understand. If you want the kid to trust you, you should discuss it with him and establish a reason that he should. Presuming upon trust that isn't there, though, undermines potential trust like nothing else in the world.

And you want to know where it REALLY gets complicated? In some ways, this kid bases his sense of trust on utterly weird premises that you might have to work really hard to understand.

Okay. This is important. Don't panic when your son has a so-called "meltdown." It's a stupid tantrum hangover he'll learn to control before he hits his twenties. If you remain calm, they will pass, and he can usually continue as before. Don't make him feel more embarassed over them than he already is.

You have my applause.

Check the stickies in the parent forum.

One thing I always hated about my parents was their attitude of "do as I say, not as I do". I had always felt that this set up a double standard, and that I was being punished unfairly or that I was seen as doing something wrong when I felt that I wasn't.

My NT mom was way too overprotective. We have to be allowed to make mistakes; it's one of the best ways to learn anything.

It was funky, my mom was always overprotective but at the same time she would complain that I never had any "street smarts." The only way I ever developed any street smarts was to violate her rules and incur her disapproval, so she kinda set up this "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type of environment. Now that I'm older, I can understand why she would be so protective, but that works best when the kid is young. As the kid grows older, the level of protection has to wear off gradually, otherwise the kid has a decreased chance of developing the street smarts without wrecking his life doing it.

But yeah, ThisisjusthowItalk has a lot of great suggestions.

I have an 11 year old AS child, and his daily living skills are pretty far behind. I've always tried to give him opportunities to learn to do things, but so often he refuses to try things. One example is eating with a knife and fork. He can use a fork, with his right hand, just fine. But he gets really angry if you even put a knife at his place setting. Every so often, we try to help him learn to use a knife to cut a piece of food, while holding the food steady with the fork. We don't care if he does it British style (fork in left hand, knife in right), or American style (cut with right hand, then switch fork to right hand for eating). We've tried very patiently to teach him both ways. But, often, he refuses to even pick up the knife. Or if he does, he gets silly with it, and pretends to stick it down his pants or something. I suspect it's a fear of failure. Now, I admit that when he was younger, we weren't so tolerant, because we didn't realize that he is disabled in this way. He's a brilliant kid, who can make wonderful things with Lego, so it never occurred to us that something like using a knife and fork could really be that much of a challenge. But now, we DO understand, and we try to be very patient. Still, he gives up before giving it a reasonable effort. I could say the same thing about a lot of daily living skills.

There are a lot of other things that I would like to allow him to do for himself, like washing his cup after he uses it, or wiping the sink down with a damp cloth. But he can't tolerate the feeling of water on his skin or damp cloths, and it sets him off. If I try to "make" him do those things, it all ends in tears and a big mess. It was a few years before he was able to say, "The water feels all itchy and prickly on my skin, and it HURTS." When he was younger, he'd just make a big mess and get all wild. And we'd get annoyed at him, because we didn't know any better.

Some other things, I just don't understand why he won't try. He likes chocolate milk, and I've been trying to get him to make his own. Sometimes that involves using a step stool to get the glass, and his favorite glass might be behind some other glasses, so he'll have to move a few things. It all seems to be too much for him, and he gets so frustrated, he doesn't want to try. So I get the glass for him, and let him get the milk from the fridge. If he's in a really good mood, and not stressed out at all, he can do that. But most days, when he's just gotten home after a long day at school, he's emotionally fragile, and can't even handle that.

So...I wonder sometimes. When he's an adult, is he going to look back at his childhood and be angry that we, his parents, didn't "make" him wash dishes at the age of 11? Or "make" him do a lot of other things? Because I'm not sure what we can do differently. It seems like every moment is trying to find a balance between helping him learn to do things, and maintaining some semblance of sanity. Honestly, on many days I'm too exhausted to try to get him to do things for himself, because the job just needs to be done, without a big fuss, and I'm TIRED.

Right now, we're focusing on helping him master a few small tasks. He's getting pretty good at consistently clearing his place setting at the table, by bringing the stuff into the kitchen. And hanging up his jacket, now that he can finally reach the hanging bar in the closet. It's a long road, though.

If he has any sensory issues, don't get mad at him for having them.
My parents have countesly got mad at me for my food sensory issues, despite the fact it's not my fault. To the extent they've made me eat something until I throw up or something -.-(I can emphasize though, I've never ate a whole vegetable in my life and eat fruit rarely).
EMZ.

I maintain that it is perfectly effective and far more pleasurable to simply pick your meat up with your fork, and consume it by taking large bites out of it. If you would try it yourself, you would discover the same thing. I don't know about your son, but I thought it was prissy and utterly pretentious to go through cutting it into pieces. I think I perceived it almost as foreplay on some level. Sound weird? So is AS. There you go.

It would be helpful to point out to him the distinction between formal and informal dining. Establish two completely separate rituals, and leave no gray area in-between. Diminish crossover to the greatest possible extent. Use different names: the more formal meal is a "dinner," and the less formal meal is a "supper." The former is a ritual; the latter is just grub. Plan on having a "dinner" perhaps on alternating Saturdays. This would help give him the liberty, on most days, of enjoying his food in a way that he feels most comfortable enjoying it. He would be much less put-off if it were expressed as a form of theatre used for entertaining and subtly interacting with company, whether they have a business, kin, familiar or sexual relationship with him.

When he is old enough, explain to him the psychosexual aspects of fine dining, and carefully explain that these "dinners" are purely social affairs. Just do it. If he is told flat-out that there can be social and psychosexual aspects to the act of consuming food, he will understand. It won't change his preferred eating habits, but it would reduce his chances of completely embarrassing himself on a date. Some background in human psychology would help tremendously, by the way.

If he doesn't understand it from a very academic, almost clinical point of view, though, it is going to bother him. This is the only way that I could get past it. Otherwise, it just felt creepy. Think of it like the difference between allowing someone to randomly stick their finger up your butt and allowing your doctor to perform an exam using the exact same motion. It's completely different.

Even if you're not interested in the strategy or you don't think it would work, I think the basic concept helps explain a lot of weird, Aspie quirks that otherwise don't make a great deal of sense.

To this day, my preferred strategy for consuming food is to make ramen noodles in a small pot that I haven't cleaned thoroughly in several days. I use it, and I stick it back in the freezing unit. Fortunately, I have a room-mate who likes to drag me off to lunch and dinner with him. On those occasions, I actually take dining etiquette to some degree of excess. It just isn't the same thing.

Thanks for all the tips! I am going to try my hardest not to be to overly protective of him! I read all the post and there are some really good answers here! If he has his meltdowns I just leave him alone most times until he starts hurting my other kids then I get involved.

There are times I can admit I cause some frustration for him because I want him to do thing that he does not want to do! I know I should not get upset but he will not try to do somethings. I hope maybe from hearing this I will try harder not to get so mad when he does these things!

I had tantrums when my parents made me touch wet dishrags. They felt horrible to me, and I had an extreme disgust for them. However, wearing gloves--gloves that were clean, new, and dry on the inside--let me use those dishrags. My mom just didn't understand why I had tantrums if there weren't any gloves or the ones she had were used; I didn't much understand it either. I also had a great deal of trouble planning how to carry out the completion of a chore; and when I took three hours to do the dinner dishes, I was only called lazy. In reality, I was confused, didn't know how to start, and often spent a lot of time just playing with the water or polishing the silverware. If that's a problem for your kid, he'll need explicit instructions, a procedure to follow every time, with small, unambiguous steps. I write those procedures for myself now, and I can clean the whole apartment in the three hours it used to take for the dinner dishes. I still get stuck occasionally, and sometimes the apartment doesn't get cleaned for a while, or I take the whole day to do something simple; but now that only happens sometimes. I've only learned these kinds of things recently. If I'd been taught them as a kid, I might be fully competent with household chores now.

Not making your kid do his chores? Bad idea. Expecting him to do it the same way as everybody else--heck, even to be able to do what kids his age usually do? Also a bad idea. You've got to work with him in a way that'll make sure he's capable of doing the chores, not just once in a while when he's particularly relaxed, but always. Make it easy for him to succeed, and express your gratitude when he does.

Also, be really predictable. Make sure he knows exactly what the rules are, and why they are that way, instead of just "because I said so". It should be his decision to obey or disobey, and he should know exactly what the consequences are. (Some kids, those with ADHD traits, are not very good at thinking ahead about consequences. You're going to have to take that into account if he's one of them.) But the important thing is to make sure he is able to obey--because if he's not, then punishment just leads to frustration and resentment.

Oh, and don't underestimate him. Make sure he's got a chance to use his strengths. Don't target the weaknesses near as much as you let him work on those talents. It's the talents that'll get him a job later on; and if he can't use them because he's been spending all his time getting his weaknesses up to "mediocre"--or, worse, being taught to look as normal as possible--he may never reach his potential.

Be a part of his live, but don't invade his privacy. Like everyone else said it's not healthy to be an over-protective parents, as the child is not properly exposed to the world. If he needs help, help him. If he needs space, give it to him(but keep an eye out). Also, it's good to help teach him how to read body language and facial expressions. My mom taught me, and I am very thankful for it.

- never use the phrase "because I say so". I, for one, need to know the clear reason a rule is like that, I refuse to obey rules that are there for no reason for seemingly no reason. If people would have simply explained rules to me, they could have saved a lot of time and energy.

- if the system is harming your kid in any way, DON'T just accept that that's what the rules are doing, FIGHT! I'm so pissed off at my mum at the moment for just accepting what the teachers at my school are saying, despite the fact that it's making me borderline suicidal.

- the fact that you are even here on WP shows that you will be a good parent to an AS kid. My mum never tries to understand how AS makes me different to other kids my age; she seems to agree with the teachers that I'm just a hypochondriac and I don't have anything wrong with me.

Right on, Callista. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I recognize in hindsight that my parents were always trying to do their best for me. I've grown up a lot now, and I'm doing my best now to show my appreciation for all they've done. I appreciate the fact that they never really gave up on me. If they had demanded I perform at the level of others, though, I would have flipped out, and it would have been the special school for sure, high IQ or not.

- Not being so over-protective.

- Not being so goofy and don't call me the most hateful kid in the world when I don't appreciate your so-called "humor".

- Let me eat at my own times, I don't get the "3 meals a day" rule.