Burnout and being unaware of one's own impairment

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I'm usually pretty self-aware. I have recurrent depression and I know enough about myself to recognize it when it happens and get myself to a shrink so I can head it off before it gets bad. I know how to deal with acute anxiety, how to work through fear and pain, how to recognize what I'm feeling. I can't generally control my emotional expression, but I understand my own emotions. I can recognize meltdowns before they happen, and go somewhere private to either de-escalate it and get back to equilibrium, or in the worst case flip out where nobody will see me. I've had counselors tell me that I'm very good at introspection and have a lot of "emotional intelligence".

And yet... this happened to me.

Around the middle of last quarter, things started to go downhill fast. The stress level went up, and my ability to do things went down. I dumped skill after skill, unable to access the most difficult ones--first high-level organization, then more low-level stuff like social interaction and making and keeping appointments. Eventually my sleep cycle went totally unpredictable, I started eating haphazardly, and I stopped being able to take care of myself particularly well. My blog posts slowed down. I stopped not just being able to do schoolwork and learn new things; I also stopped being able to want to do those things. Motivation disappeared. Everything seemed too difficult. I skipped a final exam and failed the class. I completely messed up social interactions, doing no better than I could've when I was twelve. I didn't get any of the emotional depression symptoms, but I went on antidepressants anyway, just to be sure, because lack of motivation and disturbed sleep and eating are classic tip-offs.

And yet... I didn't realize just how badly I'd been affected. It was like I just had blinders on. If it had gone on much longer--if the summer hadn't come and I hadn't started getting some time off, I might have ended up needing to go back to the hospital... if I could've figured out how to call for help, which I mightn't have been able to do.

It's getting better now. But it really surprises me how far this went and how little I noticed that I was having major problems. Oh, sure, I knew something was going on, but I just didn't really see it as a problem I had to address and solve.

One of the symptoms of autistic burn-out, at least for me, is not being able to get started solving problems--leaving things undone because they seem to complex. And one such problem is the problem of burnout itself. It seems to be a vicious cycle.

So I need to find a way to figure out when I'm getting burnout symptoms. Always before I've known when something was wrong and been able to at least take the first step to get help. It's why I'm alive today. But this issue--this not being able to solve the problem of not being able to solve problems--could really get dangerous if I don't figure out a way to get out of it before it starts.

I get like this too. The way you described it is brilliant.

I think the reason it happens is that we've rigidly programmed ourselves (either by will or by genetics) to go on, no matter what's happening. I've had mental health people tell me that I couldn't possibly be as depressed as I say I was because I didn't miss any work.

The more we learn, the more we think we can handle, can adapt to, however you like to put it. But that's not always necessarily so. I think our neurology will always put insurmountable walls up, we just think we're supposed to run into them over and over and over and over again.

Both of you have described all of this very well, and I have run into all of that again over these past few days.

Many years ago, someone told me, "We are not what we think we are -- we are what we think ...", and I sometimes use that as a reminder that I only think I should be able to handle everything that comes my way.

A current problem had me completely overwhelmed yesterday, and my brain had begun doing those "Zzzzt!" kinds of things it does during overloads. I just shut everything down and took about a six-hour nap, and now this morning I plan to just take that problem one page at a time.

Point: Life seems to me to work itself out a bit as long as we sometimes just back away just enough to not needlessly drive ourselves crazy worrying about it since "Worry is the delusion of control" anyway.

I think mine starts with having a headache or stomachache, and wanting to call in sick to work, then trying to convince myself I feel worse than I really do.

What you described is almost exactly what happens to me. I know what you mean by screwing up your life, I have done that myself during depressive periods, too.

I'm not really sure if there's a whole lot you can do when you sense a burnout coming. I know I have a hard time dealing with mine as well. My only suggestion is once you're feeling better get a plan going to help you cope during your burnouts. And always remind yourself that they are temporary!

What I try to do is to make life as easy as possible during these periods. I save up my sick leave and vacation time at work, so I can use it when depression hits. I avoid making any plans or scheduling appointments, as I know I won't stick to them. I go into survival mode and I only do what is necessary to keep my life from falling apart.

I hope you find this helpful. Having burnouts is beyond frustrating.

This is what happens to me as well. I didn't discover AS until a few months ago, but I've had recurrent depression since adolescence. When things are going well and I'm in a good routine, I can appear fairly normal and function socially at near NT level. Introduce extra stress and the downward spiral starts. Just as you said, the stress causes anxiety and the decline in function and emotional instability leads me to more stress, and the cycle continues. I contribute to the problem by getting complacent and forgetting my limitations.

I haven't found any way around this problem other than to control my stress level. It's a bit like how you have to build roads large enough to handle the peak traffic hours and have them sit empty the rest of the time. I know what the level of stress I can safely handle is and I have to find activities that don't exceed a certain threshold, even at the worst times, so in my case, the roads are built and I have to manage the traffic. The obvious implication to me is that finding an appropriate job and an employer that will be sensitive to my issues has been difficult. Having children is probably out of the question for me as well, and I'll likely never be very wealthy. Nonetheless, poor and underemployed is better than being fired over and over again when I fall apart from stress or being dead from suicide.

I've found when going into burnout that I just don't notice I'm burning out, and I tend to push harder until everything falls apart.

I think I have learned to spot it, as the last time I hit that point I tried to gracefully let go of a project I was supposed to work on because I had too much to cope with at the time. Unfortunately, the person responsible for assigning the project (paying contract) was unwilling to listen when I said I literally could not continue, which resulting in things being worse for both of us. Not that my difficulty in saying "no" to things I really want to do helped. And I am not sure it wouldn't happen again.

I think I have been stuck with this for a long time now. Lately, I've been getting everything related to my health care and therapy and SSI application under control, staying on top of appointments, getting paperwork done, but it seems like simple things like preparing food are more than I seem to be able to handle.

That and my ability to look for help is so highly variable. I ultimately didn't start the process to apply for disability even though I knew I needed to - someone else helped me get started without my explicit request. At least I'd made the problem clear, there's been so many times I don't even bring them up to other people.

I wonder if adding some kind of "review recent history" to your routine might help identify problems as they crop up and before they get serious? Like, just: "Did I do everything I was supposed to do? Was this a reasonable amount of responsibility slippage? What might be causing it?" That sort of thing? Explicitly add it to the schedule?

Whew. I hear you. I still have some SSI paperwork to finish up, and it has taken me these past two days just to prepare myself for actually digging into it for about an hour this morning (and leaving more for tomorrow).

We must pace ourselves as best we can, and that includes trying to find and maintain an ever-changing balance between not stressing ourselves and just not getting anything done.

Wow. Sounds like you went through a really tough time for awhile. Hope things are improving.

(I'm not showing empathy. Really. I'm not )


I was going through a similar thing last fall, but not quite so intense. That's when I finally went for a formal DX. Something HAD to change because I was going to crash and burn otherwise.

I'm blessed to have a great support system at home that prevents me from losing it, but I still sometimes feel like I'm about to burn out.

Yes. My wife lets me rant and she never criticizes, but she also knows I am very careful to never take anything out on her.

Of course not. No empathy here.

Seriously, though, yes, it's getting better; that's part of why I realized it was so bad. Except that now, I'm getting all these impulses to plunge right back in and go pounding my head against the wall again, because I feel like if I'm not doing something useful, I'm wasting my life. I'm not very good at relaxing.

So true. Burnout and not knowing about the burnout. When I had my burnout, it was like a Catch-22 of DysDysDysFunction. I did not even have the abilities to identify the dysfunctions, much less correct them or seek help. The dysfunctions did not even feel particularly dysfunctional to me. It was like I lost so many skills that even the ability to feel that there was something wrong and what the heck that was had dribbled out of my brain through my facial orifices. Just like this:

My therapist asked me to identify ways that other people could tell that I was starting to burn out, and I am still working on these, because I am still not sure how other people could tell. I am not even sure how I could tell.

I had a friend tell me my burnout was pretty obvious to her, although getting her to explain fully has been extremely difficult. I practically gave up explaining burnout to my therapist because I don't have a complete outside perspective to help frame it.

I have suspicions at this point that my burnout several years ago may have served as a trigger for fibromyalgia, as I started experiencing a range of seemingly unrelated conditions and pains around the same time as I was having my burnout.

http://www.yearcats.com/wp-content/uplo ... l-sml1.jpg

I can relate to having the world on your shoulders, being there to spend time on answering questions as well as you can. That drive toward perfection. Maybe a small amount of brilliance?

An absent minded professor once told me he forgot to remember things when weighed down in conceptualization, it requires a fair bit of brain power and he had not enough CPU for other open applications................................................

I would prioritize by addressing what is important to focus on for YOU, and discard unnecessary thinking

There may be so many unlimited demands of your time, and time itself being limited, has asked to have itself back in your life.

To be and exist quite simply without intent..... empty, not only with a light heart, as light as a feather, as well a light mind....

Enlighten yourself and throw off those burdens!

Defrag your registry with a neural path wipe new program like a small holiday or a similar treat away from your normal activities.

Stand at a distance and gaze back on who you are, and consider removing dissipating activities you dont even care for, but feel obliged to attend to.





Come all you lost atoms scattered far and wide, back unto your sun, subside