Need advise on my female AS partner.

Post Reply New Topic

First time poster here.

I am a mid 40's male living with/engaged to a mid 40's female that is an aspie. She has not been officially diagnoised but went in to be tested about a week ago and she is waiting for the results of the evaluation.

I have read as much as I can about AS the last 3 weeks and it explains a lot of her behaviour. She has a son (mid 20's) who we both believe to be AS as well. She is educated, intelligent, hard working, very fair with financial issues and housework and is very loyal.

I think I will be able to adapt to the sensory issues (not liking to be held or even touched at times, having a very bad reaction to certain sounds, smells or textures etc) but we are constantly butting heads over parenting issues. I have two kids from a previous marrige that live with us part time. They are, IMO, good kids. They do well in school, have friends, and, IMO are basically well adjusted. I'm not saying they are perfect. They do what kids their age like to do sometimes. They make noise. The laugh at stupid TV shows. They don't always do their chores perfectly. You know, they're kids. They're a work in progress. But all in all they're good kids. Their teachers at school and friends and family all seem to feel the same way, and I've asked them directly.

My AS partner (who happens to be an educator) feels that her way of doing things is the only "right" way of doing things. There is never any room for another point of view, adjustment or change in the schedule. She is very quick to criticize and very slow to compliment. Any slight change in plans or deviation from what she considers 'the rules" sends her to the bedroom in a rage. To be fair, she does not directly yell at the kids but goes through me, making me feel like my kids are just rotten and I'm the worst parent in the world. If one of them clinks their fork on their plate when eating & my partner is in one of her moods, she gets mad. If the bathroom doesn't get cleaned by the kids "just right", it's a major issue. The main thing that bugs me I think is that she seems to be so wound up and focused on the little details she can't see the overall picture, that basically I'm an OK dad & my kids are normal, pretty good kids in the overall scheme of things.

Help me please. What can I do, what can we do to move past some of these problems? Thanks in advance.

set clear barriers and limits on her behavior
do not be abusive
let her be obsessive about some things, but other things should be off limits to her.
she can obsess about the bathroom, and if she wants, she can go and clean and whatever she wants herself. but she cannot harass you or your kids about it.
she can be the boss of her own closet, but she should not touch or tell you how to clean your own.

Thank you. It's funny you say "boss of her closet" because due to sensory issues that's where she's been sleeping the last few months. Alone, in our not so large walk in closet. I don't really like it, because I prefer to sleep with my partner but I am trying to accomodate her so I bought her a nice (small) mattress for christmas. : ).

You may want to consider continuing your discussion here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/forum32.html as the active members tend to be a little more familiar with some of the issues you describe. The Love & Dating forum is likely a little too far tilted towards the pursuit to relationships to be helpful.

My first impressions... until she has an idea of what she is dealing with and understands how it affects herself and others, I don't believe that she can see the big picture. Those sensory issues that you talk about, the disruption of routine and overstimulation of having to cope with new people and uncomfortable change, seem to be pushing her to the point of reaction. Not saying it is right, not at all - just trying to provide perspective. Some of the compromises you make may be unconventional, and while you may have to bend quite a bit to make things work, she needs to meet you as best she can which requires her understanding. Why do you think her reactions have to do with you as a parent instead of her discomfort with the situation? Not being a jerk, just curious. Hope you find some answers here -


M.

I am a female aspie of her age who is "blessed" with ADHD - so I can't relate to the rigidness. It sounds very intimidating to me because I am completely undisciplined - I'm at the other end of the rigid spectrum. I'm a total flake.

My kids sound like yours. And they seem to be well-adjusted and able to adapt. I can't say they'd be anymore awesome than they are if I were a disciplinarian. Then again, my step-dad was extremely strict and I hated my childhood. So, some of my flakey ways may also be in response to that hell.

I didn't see it in your post - but are you an aspie?

Hopefully her impending Dx will help shine a light on her rigidness. Maybe she will also learn about OCD - which it sounds as if she has.

I hope you stand your ground and see if you and her doctors can "mellow her out". I can't really see a lot of up-side to not finding middle ground and giving over to her way of running a house. Speaking from your kids perspective, it will be extremely stressful for them to adapt to her style.

Sorry - don't mean to be a jerk, either.

I do not believe I am an aspie. I am a free thinking, easy going, artist type. It's pretty easy for me to adapt to new people/situations. I'm live and let live.

I'm hoping my partner will be able to let some of the small issues go, because it doesn't make her happy to be so wound up all the time. I know I am not perfect, my kids are not perfect, and we never will be. And that's OK. I just hope she can come to accept that.

PS. I value all of your responses, no one is coming off like a jerk at all. Cheers!

I think I may be able to see where your girlfriend is coming from here. I have this cognitive quirk--on a scale between "totally unacceptable" and "perfect", I can't recognize "good enough". Good enough is fuzzy and gray to me. I've annoyed project partners in my classes because, to them, I'm insisting on unreasonable perfection, when, to me, I'm convinced that their "good enough" work is sloppy. What's worse, I can't tell the difference between something that really is sloppily done and something that's adequate; so I go to the "safe" option--perfection. Maybe your GF has a little of that. If she can be convinced of the concept of "good enough", and learn to trust your judgment on when something is good enough, she may learn not to be quite so anxious to go all the way to "perfect". It does take a lot of trust, though.

Thanks for the response. I get where her head is at, I'm starting to understand the way her AS brain works. But just because I'm starting to understand it doesn't mean suddenly everything is OK. I'm just a regular guy trying to run a business & raise a couple of kids the best I can. It takes so much energy to tip toe around and not upset her, to try & stay within the rules or routine that it's making both of us unhappy. And the kids don't even know what to think.

I'm hoping that once she is officially diagnosed that we can both look at things with a clear head and that we can both make some small changes.

A new question. If it turns out that she has AS what should we tell (or not tell) our immediate family & friends? I'm mainly thinking about my kids, and how if they knew she had AS (& we explained to them what it was) that it would make everyones life a lot more comfortable. As it stand now I'm sure that sometimes they just think she's being a jerk. If they understood that her brain is wired differently they could make adjustments and accomodations to make her feel safe, and not feel resentful about it.

Personally, i feel that if everyone else thinks she is being a jerk, then she is being a jerk. the reason may be AS, but the net result is still unacceptable, and something needs to change. The solution is NOT to tell everyone that she has AS. You can if she agrees to it, that's another matter, but it will not be the solution to the actual problem you described.

I am looking at my own behaviour as I say this, because I sound a bit like your fiancee (I am a fiancee myself).

I think you both need to change so everyone is happier, obviously there is more onus on your fiancee. When she realises she has AS, it means she has to learn that her way is DYSFUNCTIONAL, not that her way is justified. That means that she will have to learn to stop and ask herself if what she is doing is considerate - such as what the effect is on the kids, you, etc, instead of her own needs only. This is DIFFICULT, a huge ask for her, because it is basically like learning against her nature. If it is going to be successful at all you will have learn how to support her more in helping her to think of others before herself (in a kind, respectful, helpful way).

Sounds like she's stressed out. Maybe she isn't used to living with more than just herself and her son so she might be feeling tension about all this and it's subconscious so sometimes we aren't aware we are feeling it, we just start complaining.
The only thing I can suggest is giving her some time out when she starts getting tense. If she can identify that tension before she starts complaining (reacting) she can find a way to minimize it, maybe. First she has to be able to identify it when it starts.
If the sound of a fork clinking annoys her, she can excuse herself and go someplace else until things are okay again. Fork noises doesn't bother me but I can't tolerate crunching. People crunching ice, chips, or the sound of loud snoring drives me crazy.

uh oh