meltdowns - advice wanted

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I'm calling on WP members advice once again for an advice article we are writing for our magazine for parents of kids with autism.

this is the query posted by a parent:

'We're having real trouble managing our son's meltdowns. One minute he's sweetness and light, the next moment he is in an uncontrollable rage and won't listen to reason. His teachers are also struggling. Help!'

i'm interested in how people feel when they are at point of meltdown, what might cause it, what helps, what makes it worse. It's going to be different for everybody but some personal quotes from those who might experience (or have in the past) these kind of outbursts would be very useful.

Also have you grown out of this/found other strategies?

Thank you!!

Tori NT - Co-editor of AuKids Magazine, UK

www.aukids.co.uk

Overstimulated and then angry/sad/ when more comes in, which hurts since the cup is overflowing at this point (not enough room to process).


When to much stimuli (sensory/emotional/rational) to process enter the system or keep unprocessed since it does not compute with current skills. Stress also doesn't help.


Stimming, taking a break, breathing excersises, meditation, exercise (physical movement helps processing), taxonimizing, attending special interests, educating to deal with daily life situations, improvisation (theatre) training - (might take a while), a calm and friendly person no matter what, drugs, alcohol, eating.
Last three are not recommended but do help for the moment.


More stimuli, emotional hysterical behaviour from others (passive and active).


Sensory sensitivity got less with age, emotional management got better with experience and age (ugh, hormones ), learned how to deal with daily life and learned to improvise when it didn't go as planned.


Being aware when it gets to much for me (it's not like it's there all the sudden, the stress builds up), getting to know more about myself and the world around me, training etiquettes and adjusting from there on out.

Same for me (except I don't do drugs or drink alcohol).

A thing that really makes it worse for me is when people keep on talking to me when I'm trying to calm down after one, sometimes they keep on and on about the issue that was the straw that broke the camels back, sometimes they try to talking about something else. I know that it's rude to just shout "go away" when I get to this point (mid-calmed down) but I have self control enough not to act on it by then and know I'll have it come back to me if I say it bluntly (and it's usually ignored when I say it nicely). Sorry, partial vent, just recovering from one now

Meltdown management is very straight forward but NOT easy. In concept you simply find the triggers and eliminate them. The hard part of this is really finding the triggers because we are so often unaware even of them ourselves that we cannot Language them for others.

One thing for NT caregivers to keep in mind always is that many of us can handle FAR LESS stimulation than you constantly provide for us. I went to an Autistic Game Day recently set up by NT parents and there were movies, Wii games and all manners of stimulation going on. The kids were handling it okay but they were not socializing in any way and most of them probably suffered a meltdown within 24 hours of that event. Personally, I could only be there for 15 or so minutes before I was completely shot. As a child I would not have realized how exhausted I was in the minute like I do now so I would never have asked to leave that place. That is just one example.

Most public school environments are absolutely hostile to autistic people. I recently had the opportunity to teach 7th grade in a local Jr. High School. The school had NO sensory friendly space or room for me to duck into during the day for a break. The result was a panic attack that required medication. In my youth is was melt downs.

An NT caregiver who wants to help eliminate meltdowns will have to become a sleuth and identify all the triggers and possible triggers to the meltdown. The trick is that the triggers can happen 24 hours or so before. So if your child went to a birthday party and spent many hours there with other kids in the morning and has a meltdown in the evening you can probably safely assume that the party was a bit overstimulating for them. The "sleuth" part of this scenario is to figure out how many hours can your child handle being at the party versus resting and doing their obsession or stimming afterwards as you want them to go out at least a bit.

Finally I see it all the time that parents try to stop their child from stimming. Don't do that!! ! Stimming is your number 1 sign that stimulation is coming in fast. I will start to rock on the balls of my feet or bounce my knee as soon as there are more than a few people in a room with me. I watch little autistic kids in a room and can easily tell which one is being overstimulated and which one is not from this. If the caregiver cannot see this yet, they should learn this as a priority. That will help to identify the limits of the autistic person. It will likely be far lower than the NT person thinks btw...

I have more tricks for older/teen kids but will leave it there unless prompted...

Distraction, changing the topic can help. Also, kind words, avoiding harsh, sudden yells, being consequent but also permissive (balancing), and most importantly expressing love and affection. These are my own experiences with children, the experience of my parents with me, my own example as I know, and my experiences with animals, to tell the truth.

What makes it confusing for parents and teachers is that meltdowns happen at the end of a long string of stresses so it appears like the last thing that happened in the chain caused it. It's really more like reaching a boiling point and that last event only caused the spillover, it wasn't the whole cause of the meltdown. This makes the meltdowns appear more random. Sometimes the outside person trying to help is the stressor because it's really hard to explain what the problem is to them when you don't really always know the cause you just know you feel bad.

Places like school and work where you can't excuse yourself easily from a building situation make a meltdown more likely. It's kind of a trapped feeling that just adds to the extreme frustration I feel at not being able to communicate or meet my needs. Then a sort of earthquake in my mind happens that jumbles my thoughts and makes them race and spill out in a disorganized and unfiltered manner. Following a meltdown it feels good for a second because my thoughts reorganize (kind of like waking up from a dream state) then a second later it feels just dreadful when I realize it happened again and I have to deal with the repercussions.

With age and experience, you can get better at finding what situations and stimulus cause the build up of stress and to avoid or suppress them most of the time. Avoiding them is better because suppressing them takes a tremendous mental and physical effort that will leave you mentally and physically spent. Suppressing is more like delaying because it means you will have to release it all when you are by yourself somehow. The best tactic for me when I have to be in an environment that can produce meltdown is to limit the amount of time there. An example of this would be a shopping mall. I have a 30 min time limit for shopping malls and big box stores to be in and out or it's just more than I can handle.

At a place like work or school where time can't be limited, it helps to take frequent short breaks to allow myself catch up processing and releasing the build up of stress before it gets bottled up and boils over. It's definitely more environmental for me. When I am home, I can work happily and continuously on a project for 12+ hours with no breaks and no meltdowns. At my place of employment, I need to get up and take a short break every 60-90 minutes to burn building stress off before it builds up to a boiling point. I usually go outside to smoke and do some low noticeability stims (pacing, stretching exercises). If I quit smoking I honestly don't know how I would graciously excuse myself to my co-workers. They seem to "get" that I need a smoke, I don't think they'd "get" that I need to go get some sunlight and stim to burn stress. For kids, I would recommend periodically to get the whole class up and stretch "to get the blood moving" to allow everyone to do whatever it is they individually need to do. If the whole class is stretching, it makes it less noticeable to do whatever stim needs doing and quite frankly does get the blood moving to the brain for everyone. For some people it also involves removing themselves from the environment to a quiet low activity place for a few moments to regroup their strength. If there are any kids like that in the group, they need to be able to take a short walk away from it all and be by themselves for a moment or two. If the classroom had a small quiet area with a physical divider from the group that provided a buffer, they could go there and shut out the stress of the stimulus for a bit. Each person is a little different and has different sensitivities that causes the stress buildup, they just need a breather from it to recharge.

At home, I would look at your child's whole day to see where the bulk of the stress buildup is coming from. Does your son primarily meltdown after school? Is he just releasing the stress that built up during his day? That's actually a success if he made it through school without melting down and held it until he came home to his safe place. Is it before school because he dreads going there? Does he have too many activities in a row with no space to recharge? Does he need some transition time? Some quiet alone time? Are there certain people or groups he finds overwhelming? Try keeping a journal for a little while to help find the common factors and times. Try also asking him to help you identify the stressors and what makes him feel release but don't ask right after the meltdown, let him get back on an even keel for awhile first.

That's my experience, hope it helps.

Overloaded, frustrated at life's situations, angry, just can't take it any longer.



An accumulation of frustrations that too many people are simply too insensitive to recognize or avert. As Aspies, we tend to accumulate frustrations because we simply have no way of expressing or dealing with them. People do not understand that what they are doing is so intensely annoying to an Aspie, who is already far more sensitive than the vast majority of people out there. In some cases (such as my current one), people actually do this to the Aspie intentionally to achieve an effect. The frustrations simply pile up over time until it all comes out at once.



TIme, peace, quiet, relaxation (if that is even possible) and the emotional outburst expressed in the meltdown itself. Do not try to change the course of the meltdown because your attempts will only add to the frustration, especially if you are already part of the cause without realizing it.



Additional frustration, well meant but misunderstood attempts to calm the person having the meltdown, noise, intervention etc. Most of the things you will be trying to do in other words. Just let it happen and stand by peacefully, only intervening if the Aspie is doing something really harmful to himself or others.



No... I am 60 years old and just emerged from a rip-snortiing two day meltdown last night that was caused by an ongoing invasion of my privacy and attempts by some super-NT types to impose themselves and their lives upon others.

The best description of Aspie meltdowns that I have seen is shown in the video at the following link;

http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/aspergers-meltdowns

Here is that same video on YouTube itself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLZmNZgj3kY

Later I thought of one more thing that should be said about meltdowns (there go my Aspie cognitive delays again). A meltdown should be viewed as a very positive release of pent-up frustrations. The parent should not be concerned with controlling meltdowns as this is a very selfish thing to do, perhaps out of embarrassment or guilt. The real thing that should be done is to try to truly understand the Aspie more fully, to make an in depth effort to learn what they are going though and to be truly sensitive to the things that they feel. Only in this way can meltdowns be averted. Nobody should be at all concerned with the meltdown itself but rather with the multitude of issues that bring them about to begin with. In other words look in the mirror for answers rather than at the Aspie.

People can be so judgmental, selfish and confrontational rather than cooperative and compassionate. A healthy dose of the golden rule would go a long way to making life easier for the Aspie and thus avoiding the conditions that set the stage for an eventual meltdown to begin with. People seem to go out of their way to place themselves on a pedestal for all the world to see and forcefully impose themselves on others with a lot of brouhaha, lies and deception while rejecting all others as insufficient and lesser human beings. This is little more than childish animal behavior of the "me, heap big chief indian" variety. If you don't believe this then you only need to take a look at today's advertising to see some especially irritating examples. Naturally I can only speak for myself, but this kind of behavior along with its inherent belittling of myself and others is the number one factor that leads to my own meltdowns.

I grew up in a totally dysfunctional family that was a very Aspie-hostile environment in which the slightest expression of my own individuality brought swift and severe retribution (especially from my strongly overbearing and self-absorbed mom) to the point that I ceased to speak altogether at home at age 16 for nearly a whole year until I finally moved to live with my dad (less stressful but no bouquet of roses either). But my mom had no doubt that she was being totally loving while mocking and belittling me and to this day, 45 years later, she still cannot see what she did to me. BTW, I was not diagnosed until age 60. As a result, I never did have any meltdowns until I reached my early 30s and finally began to develop some sense of confidence and self-worth. Before that time, and still today, I more typically had total Aspie shutdowns with no meldowns at all. This is terribly self-destructive because that meltdown mechanism allows the Aspie to release all that pent-up frustration including the frustration from the many shutdowns that might happen between meltdowns. With a shutdown all of those frustrations are simply internalized and may eventually lead to future meltdowns... or worse. Without meltdowns, the frustrations only continue to build up to truly epic proportions. Although exhausting (physically and emotionally) both to the Aspie and those around them, a meltdown is a very positive thing for the Aspie that allows them to go on with some semblance of normalcy once the frustrations are vented. As I pointed out above, the parent, teacher or others should not try to stop, control or alleviate a meltdown but rather use the time for self reflection and analysis of things they or others have done in recent and not so recent times that might have contributed to the frustrations leading to the meltdown. A meltdown is simply a sign that something else has been wrong other than what you immediately see in front of you. A person must take the time to truly understand the Aspie in order to stand any chance of understanding the causes behind the meltdown. For the Aspie's sake and your own, do not worry about the meltdowns, but DO make yourself acutely aware of the signs of a shutdown. If you see an Aspie suddenly go silent (unless they have simply become totally immersed in their special interest), then look around closely at what has just happened and consider it as a "possible" sign of a shutdown. Again, as I said below, do not interrogate them unless they want to talk about what "might" be irritating them but do make yourself more sensitive to their needs (which really should have been done long before a shutdown happened to begin with). Interrogation will only force an Aspie deeper into their shell as well as adding to the frustration that they feel.

At the time of the meltdown, the best thing you can hope to do is to eliminate any possible sources of irritation (send screaming kids outside to play, turn off blaring TVs etc) and wait for it to pass, hoping that it is not a massive two day meltdown like I recently had (mine more often last for 12 hours or less, which is probably much longer than a kid's meltdown simply because the factors that affect me are often ongoing and impossible situations). Only when the Aspie returns to normal can you gently talk to them (but never interrogate them) and over time try to get them to talk about the things that might bother them, while keeping open eyes, ears and minds and being truly sensitive to what they are telling you. The very first thing you must do however, is to diligently research autism to understand ALL of the possible factors involved and do so while placing yourself in the Aspie's own shoes rather than being an NT outsider who is behaving in a well-intended, yet condescending manner. I will repeat my favorite three links below for information about autism. In the context of what I have said above, note in particular the comment in the first link saying, "never talk down to an Aspie". The same idea applies to your own thoughts as you try to understand them or the thoughts of a teacher whose greater interest is in controlling the class. Place yourself fully in their shoes.

http://www.wikihow.com/Relate-to-Someon ... s-Syndrome

http://theotherside.wordpress.com/autis ... dvantages/

http://autism.lovetoknow.com/Aspergers_Checklist

One last semi-related thought (until I think of even more to add... and this reply has already had three sets of additional thoughts added). I am no Bible-thumper by any means. I primarily view the Bible and similar works as a collection of inspired poetry, a good ancient historical account and genealogy, although I recognize that they are attempts by people to record things that left them in awe while attempting to explain them with a limited understanding of the cause of things they have seen. However I cannot live without the Sermon on the Mount. Those three chapters in St. Matthew say more to me than all of the rest of the books combined and also so adequately express some of the Aspie nature (IMHO). Of those three chapters, one sentence really does stand out to me: "Judge not that ye be not judged". This simple statement along with the golden rule (which essentially says the same thing) and the common axiom of "live and let live" lay the simple groundwork for a peaceful state of existence that if practiced by more people might lead to conditions for an Aspie that would result on fewer of the frustrations that may or may not lead to a meltdown. People should simply be less judgmental, less selfish and more considerate of others. Certainly this does not impact the simpler physical irritations that may affect an Aspie (like traffic noise outside) but it might go a long way to limiting some of the social factors involved... at least this is the case with me. Again, I cannot speak for other Aspies.

My comments in another thread (link below) are also somewhat applicable. Note in particular the things that I said about "The Me Generation" etc.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp3690727 ... t=#3690727

One more additional last thought. Any article for parents on meltdowns should necessarily and absolutely contain a LOT of information on shutdowns too because the two expressions of frustration are inseparable. If you have not considered this in your article yet, then you need to go back to the drawing board before you finalize your article. Concern over meltdowns without considering shutdowns is the kind of selfish consideration I mentioned above. Concern with shutdowns while accepting the occasional meltdowns shows compassion and sensitivity. There was a poll here on WP a number of months ago asking users whether they experienced shutdowns or meltdowns or both and if I remember right more users replied that they experienced shutdowns than meltdowns. I can't find the specific link I was thinking about but found other similar ones... search for the combination of words "meltdown shutdown poll". And as I end this edit someone starts up a chainsaw outside... grrrrr.

End of rant... for right now... future edits are probably forthcoming