My Story: Possible Autism or Asperger's?

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Hi all,

I know that you guys may not be professionals, but I've been reading about autism/asperger's today and all of a sudden my whole life seems to make sense. I'm very wary that it's easy to self-diagnose yourself with something you don’t have. I don't expect answers, but I would appreciate any feedback you may have. I don't display all the symptoms, but certainly a few, which makes me wonder if I have at least a mild form of autism or asperger's. I warn you, this is a long read, the word count is currently 1,700.

(Please note, I took the aspie-quiz, which pretty much put me borderline between aspie and NT).

The reason this all came about is because I stumbled upon a youtube video today of a child who was stimming. It brought a whole load of memories from childhood flooding back (I’m currently 26). As a child (and as far back as I can remember) I used to spend a lot time having intense daydreams. During these daydreams I would become so excited and full of energy that I had to release it through flapping my hands, waving my arms around, making funny noises with my mouth, usually while pacing about, often on tip toes. It was highly pleasurable too, giving me a great feeling of excitement and a release of energy. I would actually be happier stimming than I would be with playing with my toys. I would be so caught up it what I was thinking about, I wouldn't even noticed that I was doing it. Only when a family member entered the room and gave me the weirdest look, would I suddenly return to reality and be immediately hit with shame and embarrassment. When I started school, my parents told me to not do it at school as everyone would think I was weird. I soon learnt that it wasn't the social norm (the horrified look of my parents said it all) and therefore I only did it in my bedroom behind closed doors. I could control it at school, even if the occasional hand flap did come out. However, by the end of the day I would feel like I was going to explode if I didn’t get back to my room and do some stimming. If for whatever reason I couldn't do this (I was on a family holiday for example) then I would feel like I was overflowing with too much energy, becoming irritable and frustrated that I couldn't get rid of any of it. Similarly, my head would be full of ideas and thoughts which also needed to be released.

Gradually over time, mainly throughout my teens, my stimming reduced to almost nothing. Eventually, pacing around became sitting on the floor and rocking back and forth. Now as a 26 year old, I occasionally do the odd head shake or hand flap while listening to music or playing video games, but that's about it. My release for me these days is to sit at my comp and listen to music, this seems to release all my thoughts/ideas along with any excess energy, without the need for any stimming. I still get a bit frustrated if I don't get to spend at least an hour a day on my own, but I recently spent a year travelling around Australia where for months on end I could not be alone, but it wasn't an issue for me at all. I still have difficulty sitting still, particularly if I’m concentrating on something. One thing I've noticed recently is that I rub my feet on the floor underneath my computer desk, I don't notice I’m doing it but I'm rubbing patches of the carpet threadbare.

Before I go on with other symptoms I may have, I definitely don’t have any problems with communication. As a child I learned to talk at an early age and was actually more advanced than the average child. I learn to read and write very quickly, throughout my childhood I had a reading and writing age of someone twice, almost three times my age. Because I had such a vivid and intense imagination, I have always wanted to be a writer (even before I was literate). Writing was another release for me which seem to go hand in hand with stimming. I had so many ideas in my head while stimming, they would literally burst onto the page. My imagination and my writing skills combined meant I received top grades in English throughout school, while I was average at everything else. I later discovered photography and film making would be another release. I would stim a lot while writing and I still do a bit. I remember during one English lesson, I was so excited while writing a story that my legs were shaking, almost like I was running on the spot. It made the room shake so much that the teacher (and this is no lie) thought that we were experiencing an earthquake!

However, reading about the social development aspects sounds a lot like me. I was painfully shy as a child. When I first started nursery and school, it took me longer than the other kids to make friends, a lot longer. I preferred to sit by myself than play with the other kids. It was enough for my parents and teachers to be concerned about it, but since I eventually did make friends, it never became too much of an issue. I struggled again when I changed schools due to a move when I was 6. I remember lying to my parents saying that I'd made friends but I hadn't made any. I also started stimming in the playground, so all the other kids thought I was weird. Although I made friends eventually (and the stimming in public stopped), kids have long memories. Even at the end of secondary school (high school), some of my friends would tease me about how when I first came to this town, I used to “spaz out” in the playground.

However, I did become very popular at school, particularly in my early teens when I took up sports. I climbed my way up the social ladder and was one of the most popular kids in school. This didn't particularly make me happy though, I found most people to be shallow, two faced and selfish. I was uncomfortable with who I was, I wasn't the jock/sports type, I was a dork who liked to write stories, play video games and read comic books. But just like a real ladder, you need to get to the top before you can look down on the whole scene and realise that life was pretty good at the bottom. It's a nice view from up there, but once you reach the top there's nothing else to do but hold on.

My relationships have been a series of misfires. While I've had relationships and at least one quite successful one, I still struggle to get myself into them, they are few and far between. Since most people enjoy my company and I'm not exactly ugly, I do get some attention from girls. However, I struggle to "seal the deal" as it were, in both sex and relationships. I misread signals and misunderstand situations. Never in a bad way (as in being forceful) but usually in way that they think I’m not interested (or some other kind of communication breakdown etc), so mostly it just tails off and nothing ever comes of it. I have got better over time, when I first started dating in my teens, I would freak out if a girl even touched me. Girls would come up and hug me, but I would push them away. The idea of someone hugging me wasn't something that I feared at all, but when someone actually did it made my skin crawl and I just wanted to be as far away from them as possible. I was usually ok if I initiated the hug, but random hugs/closeness would freak me out. I eventually met a girl who I really liked we went out for a while, after that the random closeness was less of an issue. If anything, once I get a girlfriend I actually crave closeness and hugs, as I feel like I've been missing out. However (and this is going to sound awful) I still can't hug my mum. I feel ashamed saying it, but I hardly ever hug my mum and when I do I just feel really really awkward and I hate doing it, again it makes my skin crawl. I was never affectionate with my parents growing up, I hated being hugged or kissed. I could only let them kiss my hair, right on the top of my head, never on the face. My parents weren't very affectionate though so this wasn’t really a problem either.

Leading on from this, I have never been able to make eye contact with people during a conversation. When I'm talking, I'm usually looking around at everything apart from them. When I'm listening, the closest I can usually get to their eyes is their mouth. I just can't do it; it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Nobody has ever mentioned it, but I find it hard to believe no one has noticed.

Ok, I have a whole bunch of other examples to tell but this is way too long already. My parents have always had the “ignore it and hopefully it will go away” approach, which to some extent has worked. However, my whole life I've had no idea what the stimming was, I didn't even have a name for it until today. I just thought I was weird. I also never thought that my issues with shyness/closeness might be related to it. Even if I don't have autism/asperger’s, to know that some people have had similar experiences/symptoms is a tremendous comfort to me. If you've read this far, I thank you so much. Any feedback would be appreciated.

All my life I've suffered in silence, thinking I was the only one. Until today.

Climbing up the social ladder thing sounds interesting but other than that is there anything in your background that is unusual, with respect to other people in general?

You do sound like a possible Aspie, or at least somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

Wow. An almost word-for-word account of own experiences. I relate to nearly all that you've written, so much so I registered and replied.

Similar to your experiences, I "stimmed" as a young child. My parents too, were of the "ignore it and it will go away" ilk. Until the age of about 4, I would hold my breath when I was upset - to the point of losing consciousness on a couple of occasions. I seemed to have "grown out of it" but looking back, I believe that I weened myself onto stimming as a coping mechanism. I would spend hours hand-flapping, or twirling pens - starting intently - while in my mind, I would escape to a world of imagination where I would visualise vivid and detailed stories. These were much like cartoons or movies running in my mind. Even from an early age, I was very self-conscious of this and it was a very private activity. Various family members "caught" me over the years, and greeted me with ridicule or dismissal. My stimming became much more masked as the years went by. Now, I do catch myself from time to time - but for the most part, it's limited to more socially acceptable tics like foot or pen tapping.

In most other respects, I'm entirely normal. I was popular in high-school, and much more so in my early twenties - though continue to be very awkward with new people. My experience with women is also similar! where I've always needed to rely on the advances of girls - given the total absence of my ability to read their signals. One point of separation is that I was and remain extremely neurotic with a regular inner narration planning out many of my moves when in unfamiliar or stressful situations.

From outward appearances, I'm a fully functioning adult - holding down a respectable job & relationship. It's interesting, as my my communication skills are considered one of my strengths, but in larger groups, I'm totally hopeless. I'm good dealing one-on-one with staff, but I've always felt I'm playing a role rather than doing what comes naturally. The same could be said of my social skills - where I also feel like I'm playing the part, using template conversations and characteristics of others that I emulate. I do maintain eye-contact, but feel uncomfortable doing so and make myself conform to this social norm.

I have several other aspergic like traits, which for the sake of time won't list - but I find myself in a similar predicament to you. Reading up on Asperger's seems to answer a lot of personal questions for me. Many of these things I'd dismissed as me being a weirdo and would never dream of discussing with people in real life - but reading the experiences of yourself and other online has made me feel a lot more comfortable about this "mysterious" aspect of my life. Thanks for sharing!

A lot of those characteristics are about the same as mine. I have Asperger's so just by your descriptions, you also probably have Asperger's. Just to make sure(even though to me you do definitely have it), I would get a diagnosis. You can probably go through a counselor, or even a psychologist that deals with asperger's and/or autism, just to get tested. That way, you can feel better about your self. A diagnosis does not mean you are crazy,need meds, or even need any kind of special help. It is just a confirmation so that you can explain to people and your parents that you have Asperger's and because of that they will be more understanding of you and our ways. Some people go to counseling, just to vent and/or deal with issues that they may have coping with Asperger's. You can still lead a normal life like everyone else. So good luck with everything.