asperger's and chitchat?

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I noticed someone saying that because they're short in the empathy-department, they can only manage small talk and not actual friendships. Is that typical of Asperger's? (I'm still just selfdiagnosed, but) I have a very different experience, which is that I'm really bad at small talk, I tend to cut straight to the core and talk about the really important stuff. And people tell me a lot about their problems (too much, even). But the small talk really makes me cringe, even though I try to do it.

What is it like for the rest of you? Can you manage small talk? Deep conversations? Can you empathize? I actually suffer from what I've understood to be called echoemotica, i.e I pick up on other people's emotions and can't separate them from mmy own....

At least for me, I'm similar to yourself - I cant do small talk(like you, I cant stand it if it goes on for more than about 2 minutes), but I am definitely capable of having actual friends. I also don't lack empathy. As far as "deep conversations", thats definitely ok because it allows you more time to think, and the conversations themselves are a lot more interesting - not a lot of random stuff thrown around.

It is definitely frustrating, because it seems thats all people want to do now, is small talk. When I try to discuss what needs to be discussed, it seems like everyone gets upset with me or just continues their chatting.

I struggle with small talk, although I cam capable of having actual friends myself. I actually lack a bit of empathy, although I do feel sympathy and understanding.

Usually, unless with a friend, it can be hard to have a conversation that lasts longer than even one minute. But talk to me about SpongeBob and I could probably talk for ages!

i don't like small talk but i do lack empathy and i can't have a friendship.

I don't know where all the imaginary stereotypes about Aspies come from, but there's a new one posted every day. First, what is your definition of small talk? Observations of current weather conditions? The status of contestants on American Idol? The Global Economy?

I'll be the first to admit, I often have a hard time mustering any interest in idle banter, and if the conversation is thrust on me unexpectedly, it will often wither and die in a matter of seconds. I can, when the situation demands it, manage to babble mindlessly to another person, rather than allow them to feel I'm rudely ignoring them - but only for a half-minute or less. After that, the subject had better turn to something more interesting, like particle physics and its bearing on contemporary philosophy, or at least the fabrication of a workable cinematographic Vampirella costume, or my end of the dialogue will wander away with my eye contact, and finally, me.

The empathy question is far more complex than I think most mental health professionals have so far been willing to even study. I'd not run across the term echoemotica before, but I'm perfectly familiar with the effect. It's the primary reason why I avoid human contact, especially in groups, it can be wildly overwhelming. On the other hand, when I'm caught up in a personal obsession, I can be almost cruelly unconcerned with the needs of others around me.

I prefer small talk. I have a whole arsenal of small talk about the weather or traffic or sports and a whole slew of other safe topics (depending on the audience). I don't like talking about myself (believe it or not) and its sometimes toxic to let someone else whine on about their problems or complaints. So, sometimes its safer to take control from the beginning and yak on and on about the weather.

Any etiquette book or sales "personal development" book will teach you to stick to a set of "safe topics" when making small talk. There are different rules depending on who you are speaking with.

As an aspie, small talk is just like anything else that can be broken down and learned. A whole set of rules and rituals - you just have to memorize them.

Not to put any pressure on you guys, but you only have one chance to make a first impression. Sometimes it's better to leave them with a pleasant but forgetable conversation - than to make a big splash. You don't have to make it harder or more painful than it is.

As I mentioned before I am able to chit-chat, but I don't care much for it. As far as the empathy-thing goes, I know some people try to be more specific and identify empathy as being able to understand while sympathy has more to do with compassion. In that case I guess I might be mildly impaired regarding empathy (but compared to what?)

I can be quite a good friend though, but I guess sometimes you need to make things explicit.

As I mentioned before I am able to chit-chat, but I don't care much for it. As far as the empathy-thing goes, I know some people try to be more specific and identify empathy as being able to understand while sympathy has more to do with compassion. In that case I guess I might be mildly impaired regarding empathy (but compared to what?)

I can be quite a good friend though, but I guess sometimes you need to make things explicit.

I agree! Once I've figured out someone is "cool" - than I'm off an running with the twisted humor and sailor-mouth.

I can do small talk (although, I can find it sometimes a real waste of time), but only with people I know. I will never talk to a stranger and I don't like it when strangers are talking to me, like on a bus. At my work, I was the first months real quiet during lunch pauzes, but now I can manage to do small talk. But only when the group is quite small. When all my co-workers (12) are lunching at the same time, I am more an observer than a participant.

I must admit that talking about the weather is kinda stupid for me. When it rains, I can see that and when it's cold, I can feel it also, so why always say that? I know that this is the start of a conversation and that you can easily switch from the weather topic to another (uh, the NT's find that real easy, I don't) but it's so useless. And there is a list of small talk topics I frankly find a totally waste of time.

But like MmeLePen wrote, most of the small talk topics are rather safe topics and like MmeLePen, I don't really like to talk about myself. I avoid questions when others ask me something personal or what I do feel, think, .... Sometimes I "lie" to those questions and give a non-saying, general answer that avoids further questions. On such moments, a small talk topic can be useful (kinda a contradiction for me, I in fact think that they are superfluous, but then again, they can be very useful).

According to my psychologist, this is quite common among people with AS (and it's the way I am.) I hate small talk - even though I can do it a little - but I'm always looking for an opening to talk about real issues.

The problem is, a lot of NTs require move of a buffer (as my psychologist says "a social lubricant") - which is the kind of chit-chat/small talk that I find boring & pointless.

I can talk a lot. I can answer questions when people ask me them. I can ask people where they used to live, when did they move here, how many brothers or sisters do they have, what do they like for fun, etc. I used to find it hard but I started to practice when I was 17 and it got easier. It was the only way I can keep myself from talking about my obsessions. I don't know when I am doing small talk. I used to think it was just asking someone "How's the weather?" and talking about things you aren't even interested in. When I am not interested in something, I don't return the conversation. I just go "oh" "I see." It be rude to ignore the person and not respond. If something is interesting, then I return the conversation by asking questions because I want to know more about it.

I hate these following questions:

"How's the weather?"
"How are you?"
"What's up?"
"What are you up to?"


Online or on the phone it is a bit different because I can say what the weather is like right now, I can say what I am doing right now. The other person can't see what I am doing or what the weather is like over here lol. Unless they live in the same area, then it be a stupid question to ask "How's the weather?" They can ask instead if I got snow at my apartment or if I have rain at my apartment because sometimes Portland gets rain in some parts of the city and other parts don't have it, when it snows, only parts of it get it depending on the elevation you are at. This past December, all parts of the area got it. Last year, I didn't get it but other parts of the area did such as up on the hills. It did snow at my apartment on Christmas day in 2007 but it didn't stick.

I can't do small talk, I don't even understand the point of it. It usually follows the same pattern and people only ask questions that they either know the answer to or that they don't want the real answer to. For example, if someone asked "How are you?" they don't expect you to come right out and say "well actually I feel like crap because I've got no job, no money, I'm about to lose my house and nobody likes me" etc. Usually people just said that they are ok, even when they arn't. This is what I don't understand about small talk, it's stupid and pointless unless you don't lie.

I'm the same as most of the other replies here. I struggle with small talk as it seems shallow and pointless. People don't really care how you are or what you've been doing. I tend to cut to the chase and talk about something meaningful; however few NTS actually seem to appreciate this. It makes me feel quite lonely. I believe I've very empathic - probably too much for my own good - it's just that when I want to talk about something I want to really TALK about it, not just put on social nicities that I won't remember the following day.

OMG! This topic is such a fun one.... it is the bane (bain?) of my existance! I can't spell....

I have always wondered why people run from me when they see me coming! Apparently it is because I, like many of you, skip to the chase and jump right in at the deep end of conversation. I can talk and talk and talk when I get going and then I have no idea how to end it, if the other person has fallen asleep, needs to leave, an atomic bomb went off someplace..... I'm sure you get the idea! If I have to do the "small talk" thing, I feel like people can see through me. Like I am somehow a big faker and that everyone is going to know it. I don't know what I feel this way. Maybe because I really don't know what to say. Maybe I would just assume we sniff each others butts and move on... like my dog does! It would be a lot easier and at least you would learn something from the experience!! ! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!! !! !!

Seriously, I can't think of anything to talk small about. I am always worried that I will ask inapropriate (sp?) questions, too. For example, I will somehow end up sitting next to someone who has one short leg and I might jsut up and ask them "what's with the short leg?" That sort of thing..... I say things and I am only hearing them as they are coming out of my mouth. At that point it is too late...... So.... I try to stick to the weather. PERIOD! Other topics are just too dangerous......

OMG! This topic is such a fun one.... it is the bane (bain?) of my existance! I can't spell....

I have always wondered why people run from me when they see me coming! Apparently it is because I, like many of you, skip to the chase and jump right in at the deep end of conversation. I can talk and talk and talk when I get going and then I have no idea how to end it, if the other person has fallen asleep, needs to leave, an atomic bomb went off someplace..... I'm sure you get the idea! If I have to do the "small talk" thing, I feel like people can see through me. Like I am somehow a big faker and that everyone is going to know it. I don't know what I feel this way. Maybe because I really don't know what to say. Maybe I would just assume we sniff each others butts and move on... like my dog does! It would be a lot easier and at least you would learn something from the experience!! ! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!! !! !!

Seriously, I can't think of anything to talk small about. I am always worried that I will ask inapropriate (sp?) questions, too. For example, I will somehow end up sitting next to someone who has one short leg and I might jsut up and ask them "what's with the short leg?" That sort of thing..... I say things and I am only hearing them as they are coming out of my mouth. At that point it is too late...... So.... I try to stick to the weather. PERIOD! Other topics are just too dangerous......