Re:Need some advice please

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me and My girlfriend have been fighting a lot recently. I have Asperger's, and she has social anxiety disorder. We have been dating a little over a year, and she knows I have what I have. She accepts it, also. I am also going through something pretty personal, and I keep telling her that I will not fight or bicker with her anylonger, because it stresses me out, and having Asperger's, does not help matters. Please, could someone give me some advice? Thank you.

This sounds so familiar. My wife also has social anxiety disorder (and she may be an Aspie too, but hasn't been DX'd yet.) It's taken some time for her to realize that fighting causes great stress for me. We are seeing a couples counselor now and that has done wonders in helping her understand me. It has also led to self discovery of issues that she has and has been suppressing for years. I would recommend first making sure she truly understands what Aspergers is. There are many books to help with this that you can find at most book stores. The ones I would recommend are:

Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome
by Tony Attwood ISBN: 1843104954

Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding an Aloof Lover
by Barbara Jacobs ISBN: 1932565205

I was not diagnosed until we were married for 9 years, but always suspected something. My wife was in denial about me having it and finally after a few weeks accepted it, but it was not easy. Now she suspects she may have it. In the online quiz I test in the high 180s to low 190s range and she tests in the 130s range. It may take couples counseling for you as well. Hope this helps.

-Tallfreak

I think I'm almost in the same boat as you, my boyfriend and I fight all the time. I have HFA, hes all NT, but its usually due to misunderstandings, I never get his sarcasm, or I may say something one way and it comes out another way, and he get upsets. Or he might say something and I may not totally get it and freak out on him. I guess along with autism, Idk about anybody else, but I get angry soo easily, so sometimes I blow things way out of proportion, and It always bothers me that I do that. So after having long talks, about autism, and about me, he joined wrongplanet recently, to find out more about autism, and if he has problems with me, he goes on and asks questions. I try my hardest, to work with him and to understand we have different ways of thinking, not just because hes an NT, also because hes an guy and I'm a girl.

So if your fights continue and you really are having problems, and you think it might be due to your Aspergers, why don't you talk to her about it and explain if shes really that upset, she can also join a site like this to maybe help understand you alittle better. If your fighting over other stuff and its not your Aspergers, then maybe you should sit each other down and talk out each others problems, to find out what is really causing all those fights! Anyways I hope my advice helped you alittle...

Hey there, Tall freak
Thank you for responding to my post. It's hard on she and I, because we do fight a lot. I don't know what to do at times, because I don't want to loose her, and she does not want to loose me. I have tried to give her advice with her social anxiety disorder, and when I do, she tells me that I am being to harsh on her, and she asks me to back off. She told me she needs to deal with her problems on her own, and has also told me she wants my help and support. I have told her time and Time again that I am there when she needs me, but last night it seemed like I was shoving it down her throat. I have also told her that she needs to find what scares her, and to focus on that, and work through it. Is any of this making any sense? Now, as far as me having Asperger's, I have only recently discovered I have this, and really don't know a lot about it. Thank also for the recommends on the books. I will look into those.

hmm, i know what you mean. as soon as someone raises their voice to me i cannot deal with it. i just get sick and do anything to get away, including agree to things which i wouldn't normally and then i just feel manipulated.

You will still have to find a way to deal with (both of your) issues as they arise though or else resentment can build up & wreck your relationship. Perhaps whatever the issues that were leading to arguements and bickering can be addressed to each other in an e-mail or letter form, as a list, in the most positive terms and without any blame attached. That way you can address them in your own headspace and timing and come back with some feasible solutions.

Hey there,
I don't usually raise my voice to her, and If I do, I certainly do not mean to. she and I are two different people, and as they say different people attract, also. As I said in my last post, she thinks I am shoving it down her throat when I tell her she needs to start working on getting over her fears, and burying them, so she can move on with her life. This may have been the wrong thing to say to her, but I have told her that she needs to do this, because if she doesn't, her fears will control her for the rest of her life. She will be scared to do anything. Thanks to the both of you for listening. Thanks for the advice also.

no worries, the voice raising was just an example.

i have a social phobia too which can make life very difficult for me. there is some variabilty in my abilities though and that gives me the hope to work on them. it doesn't work for everyone to 'bury' fears, for some it may have a nasty way of making stuff just blowing up worse at a later date. maybe your gf would be better to address the underlying issues (but only she can decide that). i wish i knew how to get help with this myself, but it proving very difficult.

good luck anyway.

I understand what your saying. It's just hard for me to understand, because I don't have it, as it's hard for her to understand Asperger's, because she doesn't have it. Anyways, take care.

Well, I haven't posted in here for quite some time. Me/My Girlfriend have long since broken up, and that is quite a relief. I am doing good, b/c of the break up. Sure, it was hard loosing her, but in the end, it was better for me. I'm feeling positive about myself now, and taking life one day at a time. If I may, let me give you all some advice a friend gave me:"Don't worry about tomorrow, because when you wake up, tomorrow's already today". Anyways, take care all. I'll post in here more often. Certainly more than every two years, lol.