http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt97264.html
(Follow UP POST)
I don't have many concrete memories of high school. I think when you go through a lengthy traumatic experience, all of the individual milestones just mesh together into one giant nebulous blur. I remember constantly being reminded of my mental, material and social shortcomings as compared to my peers. Teachers, parents, and students alike would implore me to "try harder." "How can someone so intelligent just not 'get IT'," they would all ask. Today, I still don't know what "IT" is. My peers had "IT," that mysterious, ubiquitous, intangible, necessary quality that gave them the key to unlock the door for success in life. Now, of course we know that striving and struggling are meaningless, and ultimately, we must accept the hand we are dealt in life. In those days I was incapable of assembling a color-coordinated outfit to wear, much less assemble a college-application packet. Though I now accept my limitations caused by AS and I isolate myself, I am constantly reminded that, "No man is an island." Thus, sometimes against my will, I am thrust into social situations with saavy NTs who have succesfully assimilated themselves into our society and are thriving at the expense of their fallen competitors in life.
Competent people have "IT." Most of the kids who I went to high-school had "IT," and they were all able to attach themselves to social-chains and find acceptance as part of a group. Even the other "nerdy" guys were able to bond with the other nerdy guys and were able to not sit alone at lunch. I would walk into the hallways of my High School, and there would just be massive throngs of children laughing and talking away in a whirlwind of adolescent adenoids and pubescent enthusiasm. All of the little cretins would just be laughing, yelling, and shouting, and beginning to experiment and find success with dating. I remember all the smirks on those little trollish faces as I held my head down and tried to find a quiet place where I would be free from the noise. I was already an old man at 15 and I just remember the sheer terror of the packed masses of teens piled up against the lockers, and every day they would deign to make comments or taunts against my odd bearing. I did not belong there socially. I had no desire to make friends with anyone. They were only there to torment me. I would create vague fantasies in my head where I was the Monarch of Missouri and I would forcibly draft all the teens into some sort of CCC and send them off to perform backbreaking labor to build a pyramid in my honor.
I was especially jealous of all the hyper-developed guys who were actually able to date hot teenage girls. What a gift that those ungrateful boys never even realized that they received. They don't know what it feels like never to touch a woman, to hold her warm body in your arms. Who knows what it feels like to be a 24 year old virgin and go to an empty bed night after night and cry yourself to sleep? The NTs don't realize how good they have it. Just think of it, to actually have the social skills to be able to date girls! I know I am missing out but I am unable to change the paradigm.
The worst times in those days, of course, were gym class, lunch, the bus, and between classes. But I found no succor even when class had started, because I was mentally unable to keep up with the tempo of every class but History and Music. I couldn't keep my materials organized enough to even function in class, because I never had the necessary pen, paper, or book at hand. I absolutely dreaded the order to "split up into groups." As a student, I was a complete joke. I was completely rejected by the student body, who viewed me as some sort of psychopath, and my parents and teachers were seeking clever ways to motivate me. To get me to perform, my mom would punish me in odd ways such as take away my socks or force me to spend hours standing with my nose up against the wall, until I decided I would put more effort into school. Stoically, I took all these punishments and just tried to endure day by day, but the future was nothing but darkness.
What hurt my cause even worse was the fact that my mother was trying to turn me into a social animal, and she would take me all of the time to teen parties at the roller rink, school dances, and other such places that I did not want to go. Obviously, the preps looked at me and said to themselves, "What is this outcast doing here?" I would just sit by myself at some table and my mother would demand that I go and interact with a social group that was several tiers out of my league. She became increasingly frustrated that I would not form friendships or bring home grades that paralleled my IQ score and she took it out on me personally.
If I had had the power to, at least before I was 16, I would have formed friendships and brought home straight-As. My failures were misinterpreted as a lack of effort on my part. My brain is not wired to comprehend things like science or math, and I was barely able even to do long division but my mom kept recycling me in advanced Algebra. My mother was so determined to see me succeed in math that in the 10th grade, I was taking all at the same time Geometry, Algebra, and Algebra2(All of which I failed!! !) Even in subjects I liked, I was too stressed out by other things to really focus and my deficits in executive function meant that I couldn't keep my homework and school materials organized enough to even build a successful system of turning in assingments. I was underperforming everywhere and collapsing in a vain, systematic way by the time I was 17. I was lucky I graduated at all. However, I fearfully knew that the only real future I had ahead of me was homelessness, because I had no employable skills.
When I was a senior, I actually began to turn things around. I went back and tried advanced math and science again and actually pulled A's. I started to talk to people and I began to mingle socially with my peers. Things began to turn around for me, and my confidence soared. I was actually kind of sad that I had to leave high-school when I was just beginning to blossom and find some acceptance. They say that AS individuals are about three years behind "the pack" as far as development. When I was 18, I was finally finding a functional method for mild success in life. Alas, it was too late for me to get good enough grades for a College Scholarship, so it was off to the Army for me!! !
During my time before and when I was in the Army Reserve, I worked about seven different blue-collar jobs. Now that I know I have AS, I hope I will find a "better sort" of people at a white-collar job that requires a degree. At all the working-class jobs I was at, I was just running into all of those crude, hazing-oriented type guys. I worked at Jack In the Box, the City Garage, and about five different structural-steelwork jobs, and at every one I was miserable. It was that kind of thing where every minute feels like an hour, and you check your watch every five minutes just to see how much closer you are to the day being over. In hindsight, it is so obvious to me why I had no success at those places, but things seemed so differently back then. It almost doesn't feel like I am the same person who went through all of those miserable experiences. How much better life seems now! I am going to be a lawyer before long, and I will get to bring frivolous but precedent-setting lawsuits against companies who displease me!
As I said earlier, part of the problem with me and why I don't have "IT," are my poor motor skills. All of my physical movements are very slow, clumsy, and deliberate, which makes it hard to succeed at a job that places an emphasis on speed and material productivity. I have no deftness at working around machines or working with tools. It takes me an hour to complete a task that should take 5 minutes to perform, and one has to tell me their palaver and jargon about 50 times before it sticks in my head. My brain is missing that "Math/Tech/Science/Interaction" wing. Fortunately, I was diagnosed and I know now that I have to play from my strengths and choose such an apt career path. Unfortunately, when I was growing up, my mother wasted my vital developmental years in a futile effort of trying to correct my weak areas instead of allowing me to run with my aptitudes. If only I had been allowed to go to some sort of special programs, how different would my life be now? How many wasted years would I get back? I can't believe that I was ever actually in the Army trying to be a competent soldier or trying to actually be a construction monkey.
Normal people who have large amounts of "IT", can be very successfull in life by thriving on their wits and working at jobs that puts alot of emphasis on customer interface. I feel sorry for these people, becuase it seems like there is no chance for them to sit down to have any sort of internal reflection. Their lives seem like one giant confused hurricane of parties, friends, and social scheming. There is no time or chance to develop any internal sense of self. These are the kind of manipulative people who I have been up against for the last twenty years, and I strive to avoid them. They have the ability to wear matching clothes and verbally control people and come off as competent. People who exist on the fringe of society and don't have "IT" are condemned to a materially fruitless existence on the periphery as they strive hopelessly against others with superior life skills. "Equal effort does not mean equal reward." It is the old concept of born-winners and born-losers.
23 Apr 2009, 10:13 pm
They aint gonna come running to you mate.. plenty of cute girls here mate.
