A concern after being diagnosed

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Since being diagnosed at the beginning of this month, I have become so aware that for almost my entire adult life I have been trying to hide what I now know is my Aspie-ness. Always this sense that I have to stay aware of not using certain vocabulary or forcing myself to act NT by maintaining eye contact or fake smiles or not doing any kind of stims in front of anyone. I appreciate the fact that I have been able to do it, because it has helped me survive in the world, but I'm a little resentful about having to do it.

Since getting my diagnosis I find myself allowing myself to "let go", giving myself permission to not try to look like or be like everyone else. More stims at home, and sometimes indulging in a little moodiness or "that sound/smell/touch/light is bothering me and I have AS so knock it off!"

I guess I'm afraid now that I know about my diagnosis I'm just going to spiral out of control and just let loose with behaviors. Like there's no point in trying to look NT anymore, because I'm not and never will be. Anyone else have this kind of concern after your diagnosis, and did it happen?

Maybe not trying to look NT all the time is a good thing...

It was the other way round for me, before I was diagnosed I let it all go but after the diagnosis I felt I had more to hide.

Weird coincidence; I'm having the exact same concern right now! (it's been a few weeks since my DX)

I'm speaking up much more and let my grumpiness show more easily when something's bothering me, instead of keeping it all bottled up. I don't feel like I have to hide my quirkiness as much and feel a little more confident now.

I think it's good in a way, but it's also a little unsettling, because I never set out to do this. It just happens

I was dxed late, too.

I did have bit of the same reaction. Mine was like that, and then I go tmad why can't I be myself? What I found is that I put so much energy into trying to behave NT that I am now just plain weird and have been called so to my face a lot.

You can't undo faking NT. I have treid to go back, but you can't.

We have built our lives around this fakeness. And it's not something we can go back on.

I really wanted to just be how I was. But I was mute for a while. I can't do that now. So now when I am alone and if I want to rock, I do it. I did it at work the other day and I was embarassed at first, but I was stressed. So I just kept going. And then made sure to just use bigger words and larger vocab to offset it and make sure I was not thought of stupid.

Of course I am now just a freak, which I was also called.

Our differences are not often understood and are often poorly received by others. In a perfect world, people would understand us and accept us without question, at least to the extent that our differences are victimless. We do not live in such a world, and probably never will. So we need to find our place in the world as it is. The more different you are, or the more you need other people, the more suppression of your true identity you will likely endure to gain the benefits of socialisation. Over time, you may replace some people by others that are more accepting, allowing you to relax the suppression to a degree - for example, some people burn so much energy hiding just to stay employed that they cannot enjoy any off-hours activities; in such a case, changing jobs or even professions may be in order. Eventually, we need to find our balance points, or learn to live with a cycle of alternating being ourselves but mostly alone and hiding ourselves but having some of the benefits of relationships.

Most people who have never had to conceal major aspects of their core identities for years on end don't realise just what a toll this takes, and how catastrophic an explosion may result from the release of all this pressure. It is not uncommon for the period just before and after diagnosis to be the epicenter of such a re-orientation.

While some of my Aspie-ness was always visible (wide vocabulary, swaying stims) and I just thought those aspects were personal quirks, I've come to realize over the past year that many others were perfectly obvious to those around me and I didn't even realize they were unusual enough to notice.

What I'm saying is: Don't worry about whether you're going over the edge with your Aspergian characteristics now more than before. Chances are, anyone who spent more than a few hours around you knew there was something very unusual about you all along. Now you're free from that nagging feeling that it's just you. It's us, too.

Yes.

You won't get out of control.

I described mine to someone as a basket handle, you build a basket handle over a basket where you hide as an aspie but when the handle breaks, as with getting a diagnosis, then you are just left with the basket, that is, you are just left with aspie you. Painful it is and yes all of your traits will start coming out, but it will settle down.

Its a bit like trying to keep a dog shut up in a kennel, then when you let it out, it runs and goes barking mad for a while, then it calms down

I'm not diagnosed, but I am hoping to have an evaluation soon. However, since learning about AS I think that I have started to become very aware of what behaviours are most likely "aspie traits". In turn, I am fixated on those traits!! I don't know if they are getting worse or if I am just more aware and this is somehow making it "seem" like it is getting worse. Does that make sense to anyone? The one thing that I am totally stoked about is the realization that I am not crazy for having serious sound sensitivity issues. I have even identified that it is a HUGE source of anxiety for me (a "trigger" if you will). Just realizing that it's okay to do something "weird" like wear some earplugs while the TV is on and the dog is barking and the heater is running.... Well, it's just a relief!!

DONT. Screw acting normal. As long as you don't directly threaten people or blatantly provide a sound, no problemo

im pretty much been the same for about the last 10 years or so. i still get hot over sportscards, gemstones, music, mountains, snow and occasionally maps and human origins

Thank you everyone for all the great responses. Oh am I glad I found this place!

I think you are very correct here. I went to a conference tonight, in a hall with 300 people. I had super high anxiety levels there, and at one point realized I was sitting cross legged (like feet up under my legs) on the chair kind of hunched over, rolling the side of my pen back and forth across my face in a kind of stimmy way and it suddenly hit me that no one else was doing this. I'm having a lot of those realization moments lately, my life feels a bit like a movie where everyone is privy to the plot except me!

You and Willard's two comments reminds me of what was said when I first learned of AS and just knew! it was me. I found a phone number on the 'net of Roger N. Meyers who, when I told him I was terrified that (gasp) 'someone might find out! he just laughed and said "oh, they know somethings up!" I got to laugh a bit, and that reminded me how absurd life was anyway.

welcome home, Last2know. I love your name. Aren't we just the last to know, though?

Merle

Yes, except it occurred when I actually researched in depth about AS for the first time (from about a year back), and not when I was actually diagnosed 10 years or so ago.

I've been diagnosed for years, but I only had a very vague idea of what AS actually was, and always tried to hide all my traits and act in the right way, and recently when I truly "discovered" AS I realized they were aspie traits all along, and a part of who I am, and I find too that I have a *lot* of bottled up resentment about before forced to hide aspects of myself and pretend to be someone else.

I find it hard to control myself and not almost purposefully *showcase* my aspieness to as many people as possible in a sort of bounce back reaction.

I've heard this issue before for late adult diagnoses of Aspergers, you become more autistic in behaviour. I suggest you do not get carried away, people are not understanding and will even claim you are faking the behaviour. "The new trend disorder I believe I heard. Stop flogging your family with its my AS as an excuse for inappropriate behaviour, just apologise.

You are now entering phase of questioning your diagnoses for a period. I suggest you be cautious of what people say on autism forums in relation to Aspergers behaviour, it canbe rather confusing and misleading. Beware of the 'Zelets' who spout anti-NT propaganda, anti-therapy, anti- this and that. Do what you believe is best for you and helps you function better in life.

Its time you shed yourself of the 'ME' personality and found your 'I' personality(Briggs-Myer personalities is interesting). Like you I changed and mimmicked my persona to appease others, changed my views and constantly looking for acceptance by my peers. Developing your true personality will take time, but extremely rewarding and self fullfilling. It is a strange feeling when you start liking who you really are inside.

I agree, I'm hearing that message from those who really connect with both the newcomers and the "how I solved it"...

Alas, for all of us in that discovery stage, it is also a difficult journey to find our way - even if we know the destination. For me, I'm just so EXHAUSTED trying to appease others. I think there is a massive relief phase for those at the end of the rope that gets them into reading from others the reality of this disorder. example of richardbenson, 10 years after diagnosis that this point was reached. I have a close friend formally diagnosed for 2 years that has no clue of what behaviors she isn't seeing, she never read anything after the diagnosis. Just a couple days talking with her and sending her some specific threads on this forum has woken her eyes up.

Emotionally, I'm at rock bottom and I really don't want to go any deeper. I have to understand why social things have failed with such consistency for so long. I just have to let the truth escape from me and have that phase of self acceptance - but it is also full of realizations of past horrors and ignored symptoms that you think "if only I understood".... not that we ever really know how life would have played out in another time-line Maybe worse.