Do you punish yourself?

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How do you react to yourself when you've messed up in society (ie work, friends, family, community) yet once again?

Lots of different ways. Some are healthy. Others are not.

Depending on the day, I might feel guilty or hopeless, and proceed to punish myself through continued anxiety/brooding/paranoid delusions/obsessive-compulsive thoughts and actions.

Other days I seek an escape, and use alcohol, food, or both to absorb my senses and distract myself from the uncomfortable feelings.

Then again, I might feel constructive and positive, and go for a long walk, or play music, or work in the garden, all of which bring me joy.

What I seek is consistency. I'd love to be able to, at the very least, reduce the self-destructive behaviors and be healthier about things.

When I've messed up and get embarrased about it, I mutter weird stuff to myself when I'm on my own, and I could mutter anything random.

Acacia, I do as my parents did to me - punish myself. I do all the things that you do, except for the positive stuff. It never occured to me till reading your post that I might deserve some self-comforting and pampering for having had yet another encounter with my limitations due to AS...

*sees topic title* Oh yeah. Big time. There are times where it's just beating myself up over it, and.... there are times when I beat myself up over it. Either way, the pain's usually located around my head.

I couldn't have said it better myself! I used to smoke cigarettes. I managed to stop a few years back. When I was really feeling high levels of anxiety and/or generally uncomfortable I would sit and read a book and choke back a whole pack of smokes and maybe even a bottle of wine!

I don't do that anymore..... I decided it is actually better to flap and pace and look like a nut job!! At least those behaviours won't kill me!!

Have you tried replacing the self-destructive stuff with more positive activites?? I know it is really hard.... but it can be done. It sounds like you have a good balance, however. I see a lot of really positive stuff that you do, too.

It's great having all of these feelings and jack-all towards being able to express them....

Well it's kind of funny because believe it or not, I live in a place where rudeness and lack of concern for other's feelings is the norm so there isn't a lot of room for error when the place you live isn't that civil to begin with. People are really rude here. I don't beat myself up for making mistakes I mostly moan about how I wish things were different and I lived in civilization, where people had a basic understanding of what is appropriate when it comes to dealing with others. I live in a place where the "norm" is, "say what you feel and to hell with everyone else" If you feel like calling someone a "stupid b***h" it's okay.
I think it's inaccurate to say people with AS are rude because they can't read social cues. I have AS and I know for a fact I am not nearly as rude and disrespectful as some of the people who live around here.
There are some things that everyone knows. Not subtle things. more like, things based on experience. Experience should tell everyone, "Hey don't accuse others without proof. Don't yell at people and call them rude names. Don't lie about them." Believe it or not, this is the norm mode of "socializing" where I live.
While wishing I were someplace more civilized, I simutaneously think I can be a better example to others. I can be stronger and more civilized than those around me. I stay silent and stoical most of the time.
Trouble is, so many people tell lies around here they will make up anything, accusing people. I can give you an example. We have this service that's provided by the city, they come and pick up big items that would be expensive to have hauled off so the city hauls them away once a year for free but we have to call and schedule a pick up and the waiting list is about a month or longer.
Used to be they didn't give a confirmation number but nowadays they do except I didn't know they did so I asked if they took tires and they said "no" and I hung up after I thought I scheduled them to pick up the rest of it. They already gave me a pick up date and time so I thought it was settled. It wasn't. The lady on the other line thought I didn't want to schedule because they didn't pick up tires but I wanted them to pick up the rest of it since I only had two tires.
So, I put all the stuff out by the curb before the date, something like two days before, like they tell us, and waited...nobody came to get it. I didn't know what the deal was and I didn't call to find out. So, the code officer comes to my house and asks why I got junk by my curb (it's against the oridances to have stuff in your yard unless it's going to be quickly hauled away) and I tell him I scheduled them to pick it up and he calls and they tell him I am not scheduled, period and I am thinking '?wtf I scheduled it, have a date written down and everything" and the CO accuses me of lying about the whole thing and I am like, "Whatever. I am not lying. They just didn't schedule me". But still, calling me a liar was rude and out of line since there was absolutely no lie involved. Period. Yes, my feelings were hurt.
So, somehow the CO finds out from the actual woman who talked to me that it was a misunderstanding. She thought I didn't want the pick up since I didn't get a confirmation number and I said I didn't even know about the confirmation numbers since there wasn't one the last times they picked stuff up. The whole thing was a misunderstanding and they were really nice about it, eventually. What annoyed me was him treating me like a total liar and was just making stuff up and maliciously putting junk on my curb for no reason but to make the neighborhood look like crap which was far from the case. I practically broke my back moving that stuff to the curb and definitely didn't do it for no reason but to junk up the curb. I wouldn't lift that heavy stuff just for that.
Anway, even though it did get resolved and they were nice about it, still doesn't help that they made an unfounded accusation before they find out the true story, that YES an appointment had been scheduled and it was all a big misunderstanding.
This is the kind of thing that drives me nuts about this place and it happens all the time here, it's a way of life. There's really no standard, no normalcy unless it's rudeness, delusion and paranoia or...something.
So no, I don't want to punish myself, I just end up thinking, "Where is civilization? Let me find it and move there". Life would be so much easier.

i have whacked myself in the face some times :]

If it's not so severe, I turn to my special interests to forget the hard feelings.
If it's something important to me and thus evokes very strong emotions in me, I might hurt myself - pain gives me an outlet for my anger and my feelings of guilt. Also, if it's something related to marks (like failing a test) then I go back to my mistakes and make myself do the problems I make a mistake on over and over again as punishment.

Last edited by MathGirl on 28 Apr 2009, 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think subconsciously I try to sabotage myself a great deal of the time. If I'm not doing that, I ruin things by not making an effort to succeed. I generally refuse to let myself be happy.

Probably a self-esteem thing at the core...

If I do something wrong, I do punish myself much more severely than I would ever consider doing to anyone else.

Mentally - I obsess about it, imagine how much others must hate me, whisper out loud to myself "I hate myself" over and over while clenching my fists, or simply tell myself that I should/want to die.

Physically - I've cut myself, pulled my hair, banged my head into walls repeatedly, and dug my fingernails into my palms or my arms.


... definately not healthy.

I really don't give a damn. I loathe playing by everyone elses rules and diktats. Frankly I am not going to measure myself against them and their version of success.

Hey, mitharatowen, sooo glad to see you again! Hadn't seen you in a while.

Thanks Greentea! I've still been around a lot I just don't post too much in the General Discussion forum lately.

I worry a great deal and find it very hard.
I work on my own and i really do not have much contact with people although occasionally i have to go out into the world and all my exchanges with people are analysed after the event. I mull over what i said and how i said it, and this kind of processing is how i function most of the time post contact with other people.

i never have free and breezy exchanges with others, where i come home and think "wasn't that a lovely time with other people?" it is all hard work for me.
i usually grin and bear most activities with others, then i come home exhausted from the mental gymnastics that were required to keep abreast of all the subtleties of words, actions, deeds and facial expressions etc. Then i analyse what i have said or done in this context with others.

even this morning at 5 am i woke and was considering how i behaved with a painting student of mine who i helped the other day. Was I rude? Was it wrong to retreat and go and put my ipod on? I couldn;t stand the talking any longer. She knows i have an ASD and was ok, but i still worry. Was i too blunt when i told her a certain section of one work was crappy? Was the way I said "x" ok? What about the way I said "y?"

very tiring.

On and on it goes......

better to hang on my own.

do I punish myself...not consiously, but any time I do something even slightly wrong I go into a nasty, lasting depression from which I can't recover. It's stupid, but I have no control over it