Preconditions for being diagnosed with AS

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From the limited amount I know about how most of the world perceives AS, it seems that most believe that people with AS always seem cold, detached, and unable to be empathetic. I wonder how much of this is related to those who have a more pronounced condition are more likely to seek an official diagnosis.

I can think of a few cold and unempathetic people I've known and it wasn't because they misunderstood social situations. That was their true nature but they could put on a good act. I'm thinking of one of the only truly sociopathic people I've known. He knew exactly how to manipulate people and from what I could tell it was all for a sense of superiority and power. This view of A.S. differs from Dr. Attwood's "discovery" criteria which I thought was a pretty accurate description of my world view. I think there's a difference between being cold and unfeeling and being detached and analytical.

No. Absolutely not. There's varying degrees of disconnects.

My problem is that I don't seem cold at all when you first meet me.....people think i'm a nice, goofy guy. The problem comes when I refuse to go out with people or leave when I get bored. I really hurt people because I am fascinated with people when I first meet them and then seem to get bored with them.....which reminds me that i need to call someone today that is a friend even though i don't "feel" like it.

Of course now I can't find my phone...typical

Empathetic, maybe...but cold, no.

A couple of friends of mine with AS are often chipper. Far chipper and friendly than I could ever be.

Thanks for the responses. I wasn't really surprised at the poll results. So, a followup question: do any of you feel like you don't have significant empathy problems?

I will say that, for me, many of the AS symptoms ring completely true, but when I got to the "lack of empathy" symptom, I couldn't really relate. Yet it seems like it is often the most signficant characteristic that is discussed (here and elsewhere). Is it because that symptom is fairly telltale of AS?

You'll have the appearance of such to most people, that's for certain. Whether you are or not really depends on your personality, and that'll be shown in the areas where you can interact, like on the 'net or with family members.

Empathy isn't always well understood, and people tend to confuse it with sympathy and compassion.

i have a great deal of sympathy and compassion - but didn;t always have it in the way i do now. It is cognitively based. But it is accessible and experienced and real.

As for empathy - i can arrive at this through a kind of slower cognitive process that requires instantaneous referenceing of similar experiences of my own or a similar scenario in the past.

The point is - empathy takes a lot of brain work for me to attain. So it may not even be real empathy but more like sympathy.

Feeling what others feel intuitively is not really my strong point.

I am told at home i am callous and seemingly uncaring, but i know this is how i APPEAR as opposed to the internal reality. And that is the great divide in me.

I can also be dying of emotional pain inside and that stark fact is unbeknownst to all around me because my exterior does not align with my interior.

I cannot get my own self to match up, so asking my feelings to mirror-match (empathise) with another human being's is a mighty tall order.

all gets too bloody confusing to navigate through. so i stay on my own and paint.

I say no.

Cold and unsympathetic is a loose term.

The problem with AS is that you process emotion differently from others. I can be very empathic with people I know very well or someone whose pain and suffering (or joy) mirrors an experience I've had. In other areas, I have no clue how they feel and have no compassion for them (at least none that I show...even if mentally I do "feel" for them).

Just found this website that explains sympathy vs. empathy. It seems like sympathy is the "feeling sorry for someone" part, and empathy actually takes the "putting yourself in their shoes to understand where they are coming from" work. I can see why empathy would be much more of a challenge if our brains just don't naturally do that. At the same time, I would think that empathy would be a cognitive process for everyone and not just people with AS.

This makes a lot more sense to me now. I have often been sympathetic (although I usually have to consciously decide whether or not I want to be) but far less empathetic. And I think that not being able to understand where someone is coming from leads to not being able to predict their reaction to the things that I say.

For instance, my wife had longer hair than she does now, and one day she decided to go get 2 inches cut off. I managed to go about 2 days without noticing or saying anything. She finally came to me to explain that she was upset that I hadn't noticed. I obviously recognized that she felt strongly about me not noticing (sympathy), but I had no idea where she was coming from. I think I made the situation worse by saying, "Well, 2 inches.. that's less than 50% of the length of your hair. It all looks long to me." Wrong thing to say.

Now she usually drops a not-so-subtle hint that she is going to get her hair cut.

Theory of mind does not work so well with people in the spectrum, and that is where empathy comes from.
It took awhile for my partner to figure this out. I told him I cannot do support groups at all since they require a certian degree of empathy. I personally have difficulty seeing from another persons perspective to take something out of what they are saying. It just doesn't happen. While I can be empathetic, it is often in a very limited range of people.

For example, I was born infertile and I live in the city, I am not going to be the least bit empathetic with a suburban mom and her concerns for her kids. At the same time I can be rather empathetic with other young women who are harassed by men and don't like walking home at night. But that is only because it is within my personal realm of understanding and I have to deal with it on a regular basis, rather than being completely removed from stuff.

I struggle to see the perspective of other people in like situations too though, and often have difficulty relating to them.

This was hard for my partner to understand at first and lead to some serious discussions because it does cause me stress. The fact is when people go through things that elecits empathy and a learning process of personal understanding for most people, I get bored and frustrated and feel they are wasting my time by not giving me factual information or discussing the topic in hand. The fact is the NT are getting information, its just I am not, I learning in that way.

I also think that this is what makes me difficult to understand to my NT partner, the normal things a NT learns do not apply.

Last edited by starygrrl on 06 May 2009, 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

I come off as friendly and warm in person but ASD psychologists, psychiatrists, therapeutics spot me right on as autistic somehow.

I don't think being cold is a requirement. I can be very friendly and warm as well. I just struggle with theory of mind issues which makes me rather unempathetic.

I guess what I meant by "cold" was that you seem cold to others, not how you actually feel. Then again, how can you diagnose something based off of how other perceive you?

I remember when I was about 13, my aunt said to me..."Go look up the word 'empathy' in the dictionary & then use it". I didn't really understand why she wanted me to do that because I've always considered myself an empathetic person but then a few years later, I realized that what I actually was was compassionate & I didn't have a clue what empathy really was.

Anyway, regarding the original topic, I don't know if you have to appear to lack empathy to be diagnosed with AS.