Finding Me

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I feel like I've been on an emotional hell ride these last few days, talking to all these different people who have contradictory ideas of what my problem is and how to solve it. I seem to fully believe each person, so then all these contradictory beliefs fill me up and collide and cause me to break down in confusion and despair.

Its like I am a hollow vessel through which other peoples thoughts flow, I can't seem to contain subjectivity within myself, or create barriers to maintain at least the basic level of subjectivity for a person to be an individual.

How can I ever be happy or find a path in life if there is no subjective me with any thoughts or opinions that can withstand the input of others?

I can't find me.

I guess my advice would be to live a more happy-go-lucky, go with the flow style of life. I mean, no matter what you think, you really are you.

One thing no one can take away from you is that you are an individual, and you do have a true nature, personality, thoughts and honest feelings. Try not to focus on your mental turmoil, and instead, try and find some harmony with the way you are.

I'll tell you one thing, I believe I'm in the same boat as you. You know what I've figured out? - there always is a you, but it is the very condition of the disease to prevent you from realizing even that.

Next time you're with your friends, try and read and get a feel for how they're acting (with respect to you mostly), try and find your context in the situation. It might help you get a better read of who you are to them, which is, indeed, who you actually are.

sunshower your life is yours to some degree you can do what ever you want and it doesn't matter, so there really are no problems with who you are.

In order to survive in the world with others, you may with problems, but those are not problems with who you are as a person (on a deeper emotional level etc..), just things that you have to deal with.

If that makes any sense.

Not really, but your laughing face cheered me up.

...


Joking. No, I understand what you both mean. I think the biggest problem is that I keep letting other people and outside influences affect my internal self to the point where it's very confused. I should have some sort of seal to prevent this from happening.

seedub, I agree, I do tend very much to think of myself by observing and figuring out how others see me - but the problem is when others see me differently, or in conflicting ways, those conflictions cause deep seated confusion and a sort of break down - because you can't be several different people at once.

Anyway, as you said, I should definitely try to stop focusing on it so much and getting weighed down by my own mental turmoil, and try to live in a more relaxed "happy go lucky fashion". Good advice there.

Again, thanks for the face Mr Bogan

You know you're actually right, all we really are is what people want us to be in their minds. But i think thats true for every single person alive, right? Maybe, maybe not. One of my problems is I just write (and exist, haha) stream of conciousness, and i kinda have to force it out, so I may change my mind seconds after what I write becomes my official word (aka it gets posted).

Another tip is that I've just decided to take my life into my own hands. What can I do with myself? ..and if there's a misunderstanding, f*ck it. Of course if its a serious relationship or something I'll try and fix it, but you know, in my condition I can't really gauge how serious relationships are. So it just seems like the best (most logical, ) way for me to live.

I'm very struck by these words. They are a very clear, articulate description of the general human condition (as Seedub said) . Only most of us never realise it. The difference is that at least you are aware of it, which provides a possibility of change, doesn't it?

I have a problem with "Executive Function." You'll find all kinds of stuff if you google it. I haven't exactly figured out what it means or how it relates to me.
I only know that it's an issue because whenever I try to read about it, my head starts spinning. I don't know how it relates to Sunshower's issues, it's just something you might look into.

Another problem is that other people have their own issues that they don't understand inside themselves. They react to things that are not there, and say and do things that make no sense at all. The most common clue that this is happening is when someone uses the phrase, "It's just common sense." They won't tell you why because (a) they don't know and at the same time (b) they think you know. What can you do with someone who doesn't understand himself? Sometimes I just need to walk away.

Another problem is that most people are predators. They are conscious of their own agendas, but they'll never tell you in a million years. I'm such an easy target that they can't help themselves.
Is it me or the other person? The only difference that I can see is that I honestly want to know, and he doesn't. He just wants to "win," whatever that is.

Having an internal sense of self helps me on the inside, but it doesn't help me to relate to the crazy people (which, sooner or later, includes everyone).

executive disfunction. i have it, and wow is it awful. like i really want to be like like this? not being able to live like a modern. in a world, im a freaking ape with goodlooks and great things, with my time. i know exactley how you feel

People with an ASDs are hypersensitive, quite frequently.

I relate completely. I know that place so well and it is a little more to do with ASD thatn the simple humabn condition. Why - you sound as if you are heading for a meltdown, my dear!!

I have learned i am so hypersensitive i must be very careful who i let into my orbit. I cannot filter out much - and i sift through EVERY bit of information that comes my way in a manner far more detailed d than others (except others here on WP!!) I cannot keep pace with normal exchanges ,too many people over a couple of days. We need to go slower, and when we do, we get the beauty of ASD quality life.
I have also learned not to take on too much all at once. I need to pace things.

We can get bombarded by too much stimulus. Sounds like you are overdoing something and living to tell the ASD tale...burnout, overwhelm, loss of a sense of who you are.

Pull your energy in Sunshower. Reserve it for the precious you that you are and for those who love you.
Just pull the energy in and have some quiet time, a bath, a few walks around the block or on campus, some music and some MORE QUIET TIME. Lie down, try to relax, deep breathing exercises (diaphragmatic - which you will know about because of you singing and choir stuff.)

We take longer to absorb things too. slow down, be kind to yourself. pat a dog and smile at the sunshine. that is all that really matters. from your WP friend millie

Sounds like you're on people overload. I've been there before, and it wasn't because I needed to "find me" it was that I needed to get away from them for awhile. It's hard for me to conceptualize so many differing POV. I have a one track mind, and it gets totally out of whack when multiple ideas that are opposing are introduced. I guess that everyone has their own reality, theory of mind, I think they call it. I just can't imagine that everyone will see the same situation, and come up with different interpretations. It will make my head spin trying to make sense of it all. Sometimes, you just have to pull back, and reduce the input by becoming a bit of a hermit for awhile.

Thanks millie Yes, I have had a couple of meltdowns these last two weeks and i think you're probably spot on; there's way too many people and interaction, more than I can handle (which is one of the downsides of college) especially this year when I got stuck on one of the most social floors.. somehow..

It's really hard to get away, because people are constantly walking in and out of my room (when the door's shut they just open it), and even when I lock the door they knock until I open it. Every meal time I have an escort of at least 3 or more people, who "wait" until I'm ready to go so we can all go down together. When I purposefully sit at a table by myself, almost immediately several people will walk up and sit with me and goo "aaaw can't have you sitting all alone!" Every time I think I've finally escaped, I've locked myself in my room, it's the middle of the day so most people are at class, nearly every time someone ends up calling me on the stupid phone and I either have to hold a prolonged conversation, or they want me to go hang out with them and I have to hold a prolonged conversation just to talk myself off the hook. Or if one of my friends doesn't call, mum will and there's an even LONGER prolonged conversation; 'why haven't you called me for 3 days? I never hear from you'. At night there's always people begging me to come out drinking, "come out come out why won't you come out with us?" and when I finally shake them off they decide not to go out after all, and come and all sit in my room and drink and chat happily away.
To be honest, sometimes I feel like I'm a prisoner under constant escort and surveillance. And I have to act all pleasant and charming or everyone starts interrogating me "what's wrong, you look sad/upset, blah blah blah" which is more exhausting to deal with than just the general 'guard of honour'.

I think reading back over that I can understand where the meltdowns are coming from. What constantly astounds me is peoples dire need to constantly do EVERYTHING together. Walk places, eat meals, exercise, etc etc. It wouldn't bother me at all, except somehow I've become someone they NEED there with them for all of this. When I don't accompany I can see they hurt, they feel bereft. It's bizarre.

What would happen if you say, "I need a lot of ALONE time to keep my sanity"??
(No need to explain, and certainly no need to mention AS.) As an old person, I can get away with that. What happens when you say it people in college?

I think I need to be more forceful. I find it hard to say no to people. I'm literally going stir crazy at the moment.

wow - sounds hard and your post above outlining campus life sounds like PURE HELL to me.
I understand the dilemma - the assertion that you need time alone can lead to stigmatizing, and the going along with the others drives you crazy because of overwhelm and overload because of your AS.


i wish you well on finding some kind of solution....

Note on the door....
two options :

Please leave me be, I need some time to study....

or


f**k OFF WORLD...I NEED SOME SPACE.....

(i'd take the latter option, but it is not one i can really happily suggest to another!

Might try the sign on the door, that could work.

I'm thinking of writing a song for WP today - got the lyrics written so far and then I'll make up the melody. I think I'll do it as an acapella voice piece with 4 part harmony.

Lyrics are:

Across the ocean, away, far
Over the world

We remain unbroken
We remain unbroken

Faces in the crowd
Walled in hearts

We remain unbroken
We remain unbroken

Alone in a world that makes no sense
Stole our innocence
Stole our innocence

But we remain unbroken
We remain unbroken.