The Paradox of Discovery

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So I'm half way through a formal evaluation for an ASD diagnosis. There is an air of inevitability to the proceedings. Nothing broached as contraindicated my suspicions.

I found that having discovered The Spectrum and my apparent place upon it to not be without a subsequently uncomfortable level of agitation.

Simply put, I have spent my entire adult life chasing after a demon that finally has a name, I have my sword at it's throat, the killing blow at hand (how's that for flowery speech?) and I am overwhelmed by multiple, simultaneous emotions. Anger, grief, sadness, relief, hope, weariness, probably some others I can't put my finger on. (Never let it be said that those on The Spectrum have no feelings). I feel like this could easily spin into a major meltdown. Too many years of "WTF is WRONG with me?" coming to a sudden climax.

Having named and slain the beast, am I now to fall victim to an existential 1000 yard stare? After the fight, will I have no energy left to actually LIVE? I lost my childhood to abuse and indifference and my entire adult life has been lost to this THING that permeates every fiber of my existence.

God, I am drained.

I am drained after just reading that. But it was written lovely.

I understand what you're going through. I had to be diagnosed twice. So I had the same thoughts and feelings twice.

I feel I'm supposed to say something here.

But I got nuthin.

Which is weird since I never seem to be short on word in other threads.

You'll come around to a new thing. I think a lot of what motivated me before was trying to work out what the heck was wrong with me (or the world). Now I'm satisfied that I know, I'm more inclined to find ways to achieve what I want to within that context of being a person with an autistic spectrum condition.

You're still processing a lot of stuff, so just let it happen. There's a lot of feelings that can arise, and you almost have to completely shift paradigm about how you perceive yourself and the world. Or I did. I'd been in therapy for several years before I figured out I had ASD, so I probably had a head start.

Be well.

Last edited by Moog on 23 Dec 2010, 8:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

Discovering the beast's name and slaying the beast are not the same thing, so the end of the name quest is actually but the beginning of the remainder of our lives hereafter spent trying to actually *tame* the beast.

Kind of like the dog Marmaduke's dilemma of not knowing what to do when he finally actually caught a car.


Again: The taming of the beast yet actually lies ahead.


Life so far has certainly been challenging, but now we at least (although only) know why.

This made me laugh. A needed chuckle ...



I suppose taming the beast is a more functional metaphor. Riding a tiger can be dangerous, but it sure scare the hell out of other people


Moog - I think you are spot on with seeing this as a paradigm shift. But such a radical shift is never a simple undertaking. My mind is blown. More of a Big Bang, with the galaxies yet to coalesce.

Too bad we had never thought selling tickets for the show along the way, eh?!