"Coming Out" to Department Chair-- Any Advice?

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A little background: I am a Communication Disorders student at a liberal arts university in the Midwest. I recently went to speak to the head of the department-- the department of Communication Disorders-- and tried to explain to her that I have difficulty interacting within the social environment of the classroom (and everywhere else, for that matter). I explained this because I asked her what she thought of me (it's not like I can tell!) and she told me that I am "impulsive, rude, abrupt and confrontational". I tried to tell her why, but the words just wouldn't come out. I told her that I have difficulty knowing when I am being any of the things she called me. She laughed at me (yes, laughed) and said that I just wasn't trying hard enough. She said that once I noticed that I interrupted someone in class and said I was sorry.

Well, yippee for me. I self-monitored once in her presence, so that must mean I'm perfectly fine! I just must not try hard enough. I wanted to tell her that I don't have a total absence of social skills; I'm not totally blind, just legally blind! Sometimes some things do get through. It's a spectrum, lady!

This is a woman who is well-educated and holds a doctorate in Speech-Language Pathology. She runs the Communication Disorders department, for Pete's sake! You would think that she would understand, at least on some level. I'm willing to take the blame for my behavior (even when it's out of my control) and I am not looking for special treatment from anybody, but I do want her to understand why I'm not like the other students in the department and that I do need to be "clued in" to my behavior if it bothers her that much, because I'm not going to just "know".

How can I make sense to a woman who will not listen to me and who does not seem to understand what I have to say? Is there any point in trying to explain things to her again? Does she just not care? I genuinely want her to know the truth. She is, in essence, my boss and I want her to understand me. My other professors have noticed my behavior and every one of them I have talked to has said "you have AS" without any input from me. She says "you don't try hard enough". This really matters to me because she also told me that being the person I am, I have no place in grad school for Communication Disorders. That must mean that anyone who has ever been sick has no place becoming a doctor! How do I make her understand when my spoken words come out as jumbled sobs in her presence and when she doesn't seem to care? Do I go to her boss? Those disability rights people? How do I make her understand that it is my problems that are going to make me great in the field? That the whole reason I want to help people communicate is because I know how it feels not to be able to? Would it be too strange to write her a letter? Not a mean one, an honest one. I really don't know!

Sorry to go on so long. Any advice?

I am a firm believer in getting relevant facts in front of people before you need to rely on them.

As seminar courses become more and more important in your curriculum, and as you have to become increasingly reliant on your communication and interpersonal skills to navigate the academic world, I think you might want something on record that you can rely on for support if your skills are letting you down.

(It bears noting that that this person is a speech and language pathologist, she is not a clinical psychologist, and may not have the familiarity that others in your department do, particularly as most Aspies do not present deficits in functional communication--we are capable of speaking and communicating, we are just nonplussed by what to say, to whom and when).

Most campusses have counselling and support centres where you can undertake testing and get some professional evaluation with far less expense and wait than you could in the outside world. It might be a good idea to avail yourself of them while you can.

Laney2005,

To echo what visagrunt wrote, your university probably has some combination of the following resources:

(1) Disability services
(2) Study/ learning skills assistance
(3) Counselling services.

Try to explain your communication difficulties to them. If necessary, write it out on a sheet of paper beforehand so you can just hand that to them. If you can get a formal diagnosis of something, such as Asperger's, then the disability services can provide some sort of formal notification to your instructors and ask for "reasonable accommodations" (under the "Americans with Disabilities" law) on your behalf. Even if you do not get a formal diagnosis, they may be able to provide some other assistance.

Rhetorically: Had she asked?

Point: A rule I began following even long before discovering my AS/HFA is to never defend or explain myself as a way for me to try to get someone else to like me or to understand me or for me to try to feel better inside.

Write her a letter and thank her for answering your question, and to let her know you welcome any question she might ever have. Then, add this: "I do need to be 'clued in' to my behavior if it bothers her that much, because I'm not going to just 'know'". And when you do that, do not add anything about not wanting special treatment or not being like other students. Just thank her for her time in the past and let her know you also welcome future input.



Did you ask her for any thought as to where you might focus the efforts you *do* make? Try that. This woman might very well understand far more than she is letting on.

I don't exactly understand what you mean by "had she asked", but then again, I don't really understand rhetorical questions! What do you mean?

Her response to me (the "name-calling") makes more sense in context. I commented that one of my friends told me that some of my classmates don't like me. I then asked her why this might be so (so I could try to fix it) and she replied with those words ("you are rude", etc).

I suppose part of me went in there that day hoping she would understand me a little bit. Also, hoping I would understand her. All I understand now is that she really can't stand me and that I feel sorry for her for it. But for the most part, I just wanted to state my case and attempt to get some academic issues resolved. I also went in to apologize about something I did that I needed to apologize for. She made it a personal attack-- on my person.

I think telling her I need to be clued in (without anything else attached) is probably a good idea, even if she just laughs at me again and tells me that I don't try hard enough. It's almost like she thought I was lying to her. Why would anyone lie and say they have problems understanding people when they don't? That's not rational at all! I was admitting weakness. I was just being honest. It seems like most people really don't value honesty sometimes.



No, I did not ask her where I could concentrate the efforts I do make. At that point in the conversation (we discussed a lot more than just me, which is a totally different series of postings that would infuriate everyone on this site as to her behavior about that) I told her that it has taken my entire life just to get to the point where I can sometimes tell something I've done "wrong", but I can still only do "damage control", like realizing I have interrupted someone about 5 seconds AFTER I have finished what I had to say, and then apologizing! It takes all that I have in me to simply deal with being in this classroom (it is very small, very crowded and people, by the nature of the room, have to touch one another-- and face one another) and trying keep my mouth shut sometimes... there's about zero energy left over to try to learn something while I'm there.

In response to the other posts, I already carry multiple formal diagnoses without having a formal one for AS. I have enough there to go to the office for students with disabilities and bury them in paperwork! This is not something I have ever wanted to do. I don't make a habit of telling the world everything I struggle with, and the modifications offered do not fit me. I do not need untimed tests. I do not need someone to read me tests. I do not need larger font on tests or an alternate environment in which to take them. The only academic modification that would help me would be having the directions for all assignments printed out (as opposed to given verbally), and that is not a service offered by the university. And sadly, the university I attend does not provide professional evaluations and the counseling is on a crisis-basis only. It simply is not large enough to have those services. The closest thing the town has to a clinical psychologist is one of the Psychology professors who teaches a course entitled "Clinical Psychology" (psychology was actually my undergraduate major). I would have to drive a minimum of 90 minutes to get somewhere that could help in a clinical sense. It's very frustrating.

Thank you all for your input.

I was asking whether she had asked anything about your "difficulty knowing when I am being any of the things she called me." However, I think I now understand your situation a little better:



Her answering your question is not the same thing as actually calling you names, but you probably would be better-served if someone could give you some specific examples of why some of your classmates might feel offended.



It sounds like you are in a tough situation, and I commend your fortitude ...

Laney2005, it sounds like your university can not/ will not be of any help, which leaves you in a difficult situation.

I first learned about AS sometime during my early 30s. Prior to that I had noticed that my interpersonal interactions and relationships were going rather poorly. As a consequence, I reduced both the quantity and length of interpersonal interactions I had/ have. Even after I found out about AS, I still do not understand exactly what it is I do wrong. All I know is that I am usually better off when I keep my mouth shut and only interact with other people when it is necessary, and so that is what I try to do. (I learned the hard way the necessity of extending this principle to electronic forms of communication.) Essentially, I try to practice a variation on the old saying, "it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt".

Applying this to university seminars will be difficult because you are expected to show up and participate. All I can suggest is that you try to limit yourself to a few comments each class, perhaps by preparing a few relevant statements ahead of time, and only mentioning them rather than commenting on what others say. (Sorry if I sound like the department chair telling you to "try harder".)

I hated university seminars, although at the time I did not understand why. I find I that I learn a lot more from reading good books and journal articles. I do not know what you are planning to do career-wise, but I am afraid that in all likelihood you will end up stuck in meetings and/ or conferences that are somewhat similar to these seminars. I currently work a low level job that is unrelated to the field in which I was trained, but (thankfully) we have very few meetings and the job itself requires very little interpersonal interaction. I suspect that my colleagues think I am "quiet" and/or "unsociable", but at least I do not receive negative performance evaluations accusing me of making "rude and inappropriate comments" (as happened to me on a previous job).

Anyway, best of luck with whatever you do.