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Ragtime
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31 Dec 2007, 3:39 pm

EDIT: Mods, please move this thread to the "Off the Wall" area. Posted here by mistake.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28927

Quote:
Nazi SS Cemetery Desecrated By Pro-Semitic Graffiti

DARMSTADT, GERMANY–Residents of this quiet Rhineland city awoke Monday to discover that Heinrich Himmler Memorial Cemetery, the final resting place of over 200 Nazi SS Officers who gave their lives for Germany in World War II, had been desecrated during the night with pro-Semitic graffiti.

"This is horrible, simply horrible," said a tearful Grete Brautig, who found the headstone of her grandfather, Waffen-SS Oberlieutenant Otto Brautig, defaced with a spray-painted Star of David. "Why would anyone want to do such an awful, hateful thing to my grosspapa, a man who loved and fought for his country?"

According to Darmstadt police, sometime between the hours of 1 and 6 a.m., unknown persons vandalized the grave markers of dozens of prominent SS men with pro-Semitic graffiti, including Jewish stars and slogans like "Chosen People" and "Next Year In Jerusalem."

It is believed to be the worst pro-Semitic crime in Darmstadt history.

"You must understand, the Star of David is an incredibly painful symbol for my people," said former Hitler Youth member Conrad Steuben, 67, whose father, SS-Unterscharführer Erich Steuben, was buried with full military honors at Darmstadt in 1945. "It stands for the destruction of us and everything we believe in. Seeing it scrawled across those gravestones reopens many deep wounds."

"I thought we had put pro-Semitism behind us here in Darmstadt," Steuben said. "But I suppose old prejudices die hard."

Darmstadt police, working closely with the Nazi Anti-Defamation League, are committed to bringing the perpetrators to justice.

"This sort of hate crime must not be tolerated," police chief Klaus Meine said. "We will do everything in our power to find the Jews responsible for this."

The vandalism is not the first incident of pro-Semitism to occur in Darmstadt. In 1991, a group of Zionists marched through the streets of the city, waving Israeli flags and chanting in Hebrew. City leaders filed a court injunction in an effort to block the march, but the Zionists, defended by the German Civil Liberties Union, won.

"I will never forgive the GCLU for defending the Zionists," Steuben said. "I am all for free speech, but that crossed the line."

Support for the people of Darmstadt has poured in from across Germany in the form of letters, donations and personal visits from political figures.

"Once more, Germans have become the victims of hatred, prejudice and intolerance," said former Austrian president Kurt Waldheim in a speech given in the Darmstadt town plaza. "This incident serves as a reminder that we must remain vigilant about preserving the memory of the four million Germans who died during World War II, so that similar tragedies can be prevented in the future. Never again."
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Last edited by Ragtime on 31 Dec 2007, 3:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Tim_Tex
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31 Dec 2007, 3:39 pm

I could go all day with Onion articles (I have 3 of the books).

Tim


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Ragtime
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31 Dec 2007, 3:45 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
I could go all day with Onion articles (I have 3 of the books).

Tim


Wow! 8O Ya, I've flipped through their books at the bookstore.


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Tim_Tex
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31 Dec 2007, 3:48 pm

Why is this in Love and Dating?

Tim


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Ragtime
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31 Dec 2007, 3:50 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
Why is this in Love and Dating?

Tim


Oh crap! That was a pure mistake...

Um, moderators, please move this to the Off the Wall area.


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Ragtime
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31 Dec 2007, 3:54 pm

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"John Edward Vows to End All Bad Things by 2011."


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gwenevyn
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31 Dec 2007, 4:20 pm

Moved! Thanks for PMing me, Ragtime.

Looking forward to more articles. :P I wish I could remember my favorites. I haven't read The Onion in years.


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Tim_Tex
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31 Dec 2007, 4:46 pm

I liked the one where the Mason-Dixon line was renamed the IHOP-Waffle House line.

Tim


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iamnotaparakeet
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31 Dec 2007, 6:54 pm

The Onion is a riot. This one is about sexual orientation.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33540


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richie
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31 Dec 2007, 7:41 pm

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31 Dec 2007, 8:22 pm

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/political_scientists


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31 Dec 2007, 8:43 pm

Fall Canceled After 3 Billion Seasons

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"As much as we'd like to see it stay, fall will not be returning for another season," National Weather Service president John Hayes announced during a muggy press conference Nov. 6. "Fall had a great run, but sadly, times have changed."



Eire
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31 Dec 2007, 9:08 pm

I thought this one was funny because American Apparel is very popular at my school.

Quote:
14 American Apparel Models Freed In Daring Midnight Raid

LOS ANGELES—Acting on information gathered from billboards, alternative weeklies, and Internet banner ads, an FBI strike team liberated 14 dazed, sallow, and undernourished American Apparel models in a raid on the controversial organization's downtown Los Angeles compound early Monday.

"There were girls lying everywhere—draped over furniture, sprawled spread-eagled in the corner, and huddled close like animals," FBI Special Agent Curtis Froman, who oversaw the raid, said at a press conference. "Many of them had been given nothing more than a pair of tube socks or men's briefs to wear."

Law enforcement officials continued clearing models from the compound into the early morning hours.
Froman said it took agents nearly 20 minutes to cut through the holding-cell padlocks, only to find the ambiguously ethnic-looking captives living in "unspeakable conditions."

"They just stared up at us with blank expressions of utter confusion," Froman added. "I don't think they'd seen the sun in weeks."

Nine American Apparel security enforcers were also killed during the raid.

The models, who range in age from 18 to 22 but appear to be 12 to 14, were taken to an emergency safehouse where they were given food, clothing, and access to soap. Officials said they were conducting tests to determine whether the girls were subjected to brainwashing during their captivity.

"I thought it would never end," said Fiara, a Brazilian-Finnish brunette who was held in an empty white room for weeks in nothing but Lycra tights and a halter top. "I can't believe how good it feels to wear something that buttons again."

After freeing the captives, many of whom appeared drugged, agents seized thousands of amateur Polaroids and several dozen pairs of oversized sunglasses whose purpose remains unclear, FBI reports said.



Evidence From The Case
"We may never know the full extent of what went on in there," Special Agent Hugh Conroy said. "We do know they were held against their will in an airless, windowless basement under harsh fluorescent lights, forced to sign liability waivers, and posed in contorted positions on bare cement floors. "The humiliating combinations of flimsy unitards, leg warmers, and '70s-inspired tank tops they were forced to wear clearly show a deranged mind at work. Those poor, poor girls."

Several models said they were initially drawn in by American Apparel's progressive environmental policies, sweatshop-free manufacturing, and youthful corporate identity. But their dreams of success were soon shattered.

"Before I knew it, I was squatting on the floor in this humid room with a camera pointed at my crotch," said model Gabrielle, whose image can be found on the back page of this newspaper.

Law enforcement agencies have long suspected that the company's much-vaunted vertically integrated structure deliberately hid the unpleasant realities of this international model-exploitation ring. Despite their ongoing investigations, agents present during the raid were "completely unprepared" for the level of degradation they discovered inside the American Apparel facility.

"I'll never forget those hollow, emotionless eyes," Special Agent Jane Cosgrove said. "I don't care how many stock options they were given—nothing is worth what those girls went through."

Still at large, FBI sources say, is the models' alleged captor, a shadowy, unkempt, elaborately facial-haired figure in his late 30s or early 40s known only as "the Creepy Man."



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31 Dec 2007, 9:17 pm

Eire wrote:
I thought this one was funny because American Apparel is very popular at my school.


:lol: About time someone made fun of their ad campaign.


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