Post your literal jokes here

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At Denny's: "How would you like your eggs cooked?"

"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks!"

Legend tells of a time at a sci-fi convention when famed author Harlan Ellison (who stands about 5' 2") came up to an attractive woman and asked her point-blank, "What would you say to a little f*ck?"

She looked down at him and replied, "Hello, little f*ck."

"I hope nobody ever asks me to show them the ropes, I have no Idea where they are"
-George Carlin

Them: What's up?
Me: The sky

Them: What's up?
Me: Your blood pressure

Them: What's up?
Me: The opposite of down

"A woman told me she had a yeast infection, well bake me a F*ckin loaf of bread!"
-George Carlin

Them: "How you going?"
Me: "Bipedally, at the moment."

Perhaps not funny in the retelling, but a couple of weeks ago I took the dogs to the kennels before going on holiday. I was presented with a form to complete and alongside the question "Food?" I just put "Yes". The kennel owner found this amusing then asked me to elaborate with quantity, type and when to feed. Duh! Why didn't they pose the question like that

Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank.


Literal jokes.... Oh, I thought you meant littoral jokes.

do you have a moment? ... Many!

a friend's college application form (first draft!)

name: X.Y.
sex: yes please

What is green, fuzzy, weighs 750 pounds and will kill you if it falls on you from a tree?
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...a pool table!

also a sloth that weighs 750 pounds

...my wookie denies that he's green with envy...
hey, if you don't have friends,

You gots friends Syzygyish, and that's no joke of any kind.


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
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..................a fsh!

what do call a lapse in a gap
a fissure