Corrupt A Wish

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Granted, but they are now a minimum of 500 pages.

I wish I could find a shrink who understands AS.

Granted, but she won't be able to convey the results.

I wish for inner peace.

Granted, but you inadvertently cause World War 3.

I wish I could read as much as I want.

Granted, your desire to read has been reduced to the same level as your opportunity to do so.

I wish my laptop had a keyboard more to my liking.

Granted. It is broken.

I wish for a lampshade.

Granted, but no one understands its meaning.

I wish that I will improve my grades in my classes after AP exams.

Granted. The AP exams are failed.

I wish for kerosene kept in a strong, airtight container.

Granted. The container is entombed in concrete and buried deep in bedrock.

I wish for a time machine.

Granted. You kill you.

I wish for a ream of paper.

Granted. You get many papercuts from handling the ream.

I wish to be able to do everything on my summer activities list by the end of this summer.

Granted. Then, a natural disaster of inexplicable happens, Rocks Fall, and Everyone Dies.

I wish for a large (relative to an elephant) sheet of gold leaf.

Granted. The wind blows, and the gold leaf is disintegrated.

I wish for the ability to fly.

Granted. A gorilla is able to appear next to you whenever you are within 15cm the ground to make you fly.

I wish for a large, indestructible, converging Fresnel lens.

Granted, but it has an irremovable lens cover

I wish the sky was green.

Granted. It is composed of chlorine and everything exposed dies.

I wish for a hermetically sealed but ouvrable bottle of kerosene.

Your first indication that your wish has been granted comes after drinking an appealing looking, odorless beverage when you begin to experience the effects of Kerosene poisoning.

I wish people would stop using noisy lawnmowers and vacuums near where I live when I'm home.