Corrupt A Wish

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Granted, but I kill you with a mithril sword and your phaser gets sold on ebay.

I wish I could have my very own mithril vest.

Granted, but it's stolen from you while you sleep.

I wish for a new keyring.

Granted, but it's a keyring representing a roadkill fox.

I wish that Red Kites could conquer Europe.

Granted. They could, but they vote not to.

I wish for a perfectly cooked pepperoni pizza.

Granted. You develop lockjaw before you can eat it.

I wish to understand the meaning of life.

Granted, but it's so horrifying and unbelievable that you faint in shock and when you become conscious, you live the rest of your life shivering in a corner.

I wish that my Biology revision notes would sometimes type themselves.

Granted. They type themselves in ancient Sanskrit.

I wish for a universal translator.

Granted, but is the one from adventure time.

I wish you lived in the land of Ooo.

Granted, and you're immediately called into the Land of Ooo's army to fight in the bloody war against the Land of Aaaahhhh.

I wish I could step into drawings,

Granted, but you will never leave the comic pages.

I wish I had a vehicle.

Granted. You will be riding a unicycle.

I wish for a healthy tree with blue leaves.

Granted, it is a rare form of sumac, keep scratching.

I wish women could read mens minds.

Granted, when they find the truth they all leave and the human race dies out.

I wish the Beatles would reform

Granted. They are now a Mormon Tabernacle.

I wish to find a reason to live.

Granted you caused the zombie apocalypse

I wish to be a dragon.

Granted. You are a six-inch tall dragon and people use you to light cigarettes.

I wish for a cool breeze.