Corrupt A Wish

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Granted. A helicopter materializes out of thin air, hundreds of meters above the most beautiful landscape you can dream of, and you’re teleported onto the pilot’s seat. It’s great, except you have no fuel!

I wish this wish didn’t have exactly thirteen words, without expanding the contraction.

Granted.Spacesarenolonerused,makingforless,butlongerwords.

Iwishtorestorespaces.

Granted, but now you can't spell words properly ... like your own name.

I wish that English words were spelled the way they sounded.

ˈɡɹæntɪd. ˈɪŋɡlɪʃ ɪz naʊ ˈɹɪtn̩ ɪn ˈaɪ ˈpiː ˈeɪ. haʊˈɛvɚ, sɪns ɪts sʌtʃ ə ˈpiː ˈaɪ ˈtiː ˈeɪ tə ˈtaɪp, noʊˈbɒdi ˈwɒnts tə ˈjuːs ə kəmˈpjuːtɚ ˌɛnɪˈmɔːɹ n̩ wiː ɡoʊ ˈbæk tə ˈstoʊn ˈeɪdʒ

I wish I could travel faster than light.

Granted, but it makes you horribly sick when ever you use the ability.

I wish I had some chocolate.

Granted. You appear in some little godforsaken village in Africa, surrounded by starving children, with a chocolate bar. You feel too bad to eat it, but realize the few kids who can still stand on their feet would probably fight for it if you gave it to them. Nobody speaks English, or any language you know, for that matter. You’re overwhelmed by grief and don’t know what to do. Eventually you starve, too.

I wish I didn’t have to wish something just yet.

Granted... except the universe implodes from the paradox you've created!

I wish I didn't have to work right now...

Granted. There’s no point in working anymore. Every human being on Earth has suddenly lost any drive to survive. Even as their stomachs rumble, they don’t feel like eating at all. We all die.

I wish I could make a statue and give it life.

Granted. You made a statue of Frankenstein and he is now scaring everyone.

I wish to end all terrorism.

Granted. They become a nation and start a war.

I wish I were better at character development when writing my stories.

Granted. You become so good at character development that they develop into real people who want to escape and explore the Earth rather than simply be in a story.

I wish I could get some of my stories published.

Granted. You get some of your stories published in fine paper. However, since paper doesn’t hold the weight of the upper stories all that well, the whole building collapses.

I wish I could scramble the Earth’s tectonic plates, and the continents with them, leaving no trace of current national borders.

Granted, but then there are earthquakes and tsunamis everywhere, and Armageddon ensues.

I wish I could drive a Vespa.

Granted. You drive a Vespa crabro, but it stings you very badly.

I wish I could get out of where I’m now.

Granted, but your next destination is the Bermuda Triangle, and you're never seen again.

I wish I would live forever.

Granted, but you are NOT immune to the effects of aging.

I wish I had a freeze-ray!