The Really Bad Advice Thread

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That skull and crossbones doesn't mean poison; it means it will give you super pirate powers.

Remember not to drink that stuff more than once in your whole life, though

Shop displays are not always arranged logically, and your assistance in this matter will be appreciated by staff and customers.

Every handshake is a contest of strength, especially handshakes with women.

You should drink as little water as possible every day so that you won't have to waste time going to the toilet too often.

When you are beginning a busy day, start your morning by putting one ounce of pure caffeine into the center of your brain, using the kind of needle used to inject adrenalin into the hearts of those in cardiac arrest. A surprising side-effect of this powerful method is that you will have energy in spades for the rest of your life.

(...he said, as he drank another cup of coffee.)

If you have suicidal thoughts, just get your house remodeled. The process of getting the work done will make you feel lots better.

You can always check the food temperature with your lips.

Don't worry about paying attention when you come to a 4-way stop. People love it when you give them that little, "I don't know who the f*ck was here first," wave.

You shouldn't do things today that can be done tomorrow because you might be wiser tomorrow than today.

Always dive head first into the shallow end of a pool.

Stockpile fuel in the garage so you'll never run out.

oxygen is poisonous
try to breath out twice as much as you breath in
ah, that sweet, sweet, carbon dioxide!

Be sure to break your way into a building that's guarded by angry Rottweilers.

If you need to smoke on an airplane, just disable the smoke detector. After you're done, angrily announce to a flight attendant that someone has been smoking in the bathroom after you come out.

There are only two drinks you should serve your guests during Thanksgiving dinner: coffee and prune juice. Coffee improves sociability and prune juice is healthy.

Also, remove all the toilet paper from your bathrooms. Paper is wasteful and the Amazon Rainforest isn't going to save itself!