What's Your Line?

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Hyacinth: Ah, yes! I thought I heard the milkman.
The Milkman: How? I'd like to know how you heard the milkman. You must have radar.
Hyacinth: No thank you, my usual two pints and the occasional yoghurt will be fine.

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Hyacinth: [about Mr. Henderson, the frozen food magnate] They say he's a millionaire, and all from dead chickens. Of course, I'm not one to be impressed merely by money, but I just happen to know that he's looking for someone to work with him in a senior capacity, and of course my Richard would be ideally qualified.
Elizabeth: For dead chickens? I can't see Richard being very happy with dead chickens.
Hyacinth: Oh no, dear, I don't think he'd actually be handling them. No, Richard would wear a suit and do something executive.
Elizabeth: *Can* one do anything executive with dead chickens?
Hyacinth: Well, he's done it with the Council all these years.

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Elizabeth: I'm surprised you want my opinion, Hyacinth, about anything. I seem to go to pieces on these premises.
Hyacinth: Do you, dear? That's nice.
Elizabeth: You never listen anyway.
Hyacinth: Have you? How interesting. Now look, I was wondering if I should press Mrs Henderson to take a little sherry with her light refreshments, or shall I stick to tea?
Elizabeth: And you really value my opinion?
Hyacinth: Certainly I do.
Elizabeth: Well...
[makes several false starts, then decides]
Elizabeth: I think tea.
Hyacinth: No, you're wrong there, dear. I think sherry.

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Hyacinth: Of course, I shan't let you have a beaker when you come back later for our more formal afternoon tea.
Elizabeth: Later?
Hyacinth: When you've tidied up, Dear.
Elizabeth: Tidied up? I've almost finished my housework!
Hyacinth: No, no, no. I don't mean the housework. I mean your hair.
Elizabeth: [Checks her hair to see if it's messed up] It's same as always!
Hyacinth: I thought you'd agree, Dear.

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Hyacinth: Well, be more careful in future, Richard. Locking me out like that...
Richard: I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.
Hyacinth: I will not have you "not thinking" in front of the neighbors, Richard!
Richard: I'm just a little confused, this morning.
Hyacinth: Well, it seems so, Dear!
Richard: But I'm all right, now.
Hyacinth: Are you sure?
Richard: Absolutely fine.
[Gets in the car and starts it, then just sits there, staring blankly off into space]
Hyacinth: [Waits, then when it's clear he's not going to move, goes and taps on the glass] Richard?
Richard: [opens the door] Hello, Dear! What kind of day did you have?
Hyacinth: [Pulls him out of the car] Richard, I think you ought to walk to work today.
Richard: Oh, yes. I will. I'll walk this morning.
[starts walking down the road in the wrong direction]
Hyacinth: Richard!
[Richard turns and walks the other way]

"Keeping Up Appearances"

The Milkman: [after Hyacinth complains about not knowing which cows her milk comes from] All the milk's been thoroughly tested, Mrs. Bouquet.
Hyacinth: I should hope so! Just remember that at least two pints of it are destined for some very high-quality china!

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Hyacinth: [On the phone] Ah, finally! It's worse than trying to get through to British Rail Inquiries! Well, my business is confidential, so I wish to be put through to someone important. That is to say, not a minor functionary. I will NOT be fobbed off with a minor functionary!

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Elizabeth: [When Hyacinth comes to the door she is wearing a nice dress] Hyacinth, I'm glad you've called. Now, you wanted me to be smart. Well, does this meet with your approval?
Hyacinth: Yes, it looks fine, Dear. Will you give me a hand? Some fool's left half a camel or something on my driveway. I will not have it on my driveway when Mrs. Henderson arrives!
Elizabeth: You want me to help move it dressed like this?
Hyacinth: I don't think it'll care how you're dressed, dear.
[They walk out to the Driveway and she gestures to the Newfoundland placidly sitting there]
Hyacinth: You see? Half a camel!
Elizabeth: And a major half!
Hyacinth: If we could just get it into the street...
Elizabeth: CAN we just park it in the street?
Hyacinth: Well, I've no money for a meter.
Elizabeth: How are we going to manage this?
Hyacinth: Well, I think the best thing is if you push, and I'll steer. Now just let me get a good grip.
[She grabs the leash and Elizabeth goes around to push from behind]
Hyacinth: Now pay attention, dog! Off we go, then!
[She tugs and Elizabeth pushes, with no success]
Hyacinth: Try pushing, dear!
Elizabeth: I'm trying, Hyacinth! It seems to be an awful lot of dog!

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Onslow: [Daddy is missing again] It's no good going off half-cocked in these little emergencies. Somebody's got to keep a cool head and do the planning.
Rose: [Runs in] There's nobody seen him in the street. Her at the shop hasn't seen him, and she never misses a thing.
Onslow: If you're gonna track him down, the first thing to do is find out what he's wearing.
Daisy, Rose: Right!
[Both run out to look]
Onslow: See what I mean about planning? A cool head.
Daisy: [Returns] All his street clothes are there! He's not wearing any of them!
Onslow: So now we know what we're looking for - an old man in pajamas.
Rose: [Returns, holding Daddy's pajamas] Wrong!
Onslow: Oh, nice...

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Onslow: Listen, Rose, if you're gonna start coming in at the crack of dawn, the least you could do is bring breakfast!
Rose: But you never eat breakfast!
Daisy: That's only because he tends to stay in bed until dinnertime.
Onslow: On principle, I've got nothing against breakfast. I'd eat breakfast if somebody brought it, wouldn't I? It's not against my religion or anything.
Rose: What IS against your religion?
Daisy: Getting up before dinnertime!
[She and Rose both laugh]
Onslow: I notice YOU'RE still in bed.
Daisy: A wife's place is beside her husband!

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Daisy: [Answers the phone] Hello? Who? I'm sorry, I can't hear the phone for the television.
[shouts so she can be heard over the TV]
Daisy: Onslow, I can't hear the phone call for the television!
Onslow: Well, turn it down! That's the practical solution. Why is it women never think practically?
Daisy: [to the phone, seething] Excuse me a moment, but there's a fault at this end and it won't get out of it's chair!

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Richard Bucket: Will Rose be all right?
Onslow: Rose'll be fine. Rose can handle wives. There's only one thing she handles more often and that's husbands.

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Sherlock: "I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research."

Sherlock.

^^ HA! I like that one!! LOL

Dr. Martin Ellingham: Mr Fenn, there is a high probability you have a cancer of the larynx. You'll need surgery and you may well lose your voice, which has a certain appeal.

"Doc Martin"

(After the doorbell rings a few times)

Sherlock: "Shut up!"

Sherlock.

[Louisa walks towards Doc Martin]
Dr. Martin Ellingham: Louisa! You're looking...
[she completely ignores him]
Dr. Martin Ellingham: ...Straight through me.

"Doc Martin"