The Really Bad Advice Thread

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Free candy in jail has no strings attached, eat what you find on your pillow. This is VERY bad advice.

When driving into and out of parking lots, don't worry about those arrows and lines you see painted on the ground. Though they look like they are for directional indication or some other purpose, they are actually symbolic art.

If your boss asks you to recommend a movie, suggest Swimming With Sharks.

If you put the kettle on, but then decide you need to run out to the store, don't turn it off. Just put a very tight fitting lid on the spout and maybe some electrical tape to hold the lid in place. Then go out and do your shopping. This way, when you get back, you'll have a nice, hot cup of tea practically waiting for you!

If you are in need of some money to buy a house or something, here's a tip that you could try: Respond to one of those Nigerian emails from a wealthy person who wants you to caretake a large sum of money for them. Some of them ARE scams. But you could also get lucky like in lotto and get the cash you need.

If you find a hornet's nest on your property, very slowly remove it with your hands, carefully place it in your backseat, and drive it to the woods.

If you are ever bitten by a rabid animal, take pity on it. Put it carefully in the trunk of your car and then release it in a part of town where there are people you don't like. Then, wash the bite with hydrogen pyroxide, place a Band-Aid on it, and say three Hail Mary's (just for good measure.) PM me if this does not work out.

Running is good for strengthening your lungs. So when someone is having an asthma attack, you should make him/her run as much as possible. (My teacher at primary school did that to me.)

If someone is coughing and sneezing and blowing their nose profusely, they obviously feel bad and need a hug.

So hug them.

And conversely to the above: Always cough and sneeze into another's face so they will know you are sick and need a hug and cup of tea.

Whoever said "never eat yellow snow" has obviously never tried a pineapple SnoCone.

It's always better to eat natural food though, so don't get your pineapple shaved ice from a cart. It's full of preservatives.

Instead, harvest the pineapple snow yourself in nature. It seems to like to grow near ski lifts for some reason, which is also nice for accessibility.

The best, and quickest, way to build up your tolerance for hot stuff is by downing an entire bottle of Tabasco Sauce.

The best way of becoming a vegetarian is by digesting copious quantities of "vegeta" seasoning.

And an even better way is to eat Quorn, seasoned with the above product.

Lool

The best way of becoming British is by making a tattoo of the Queen on the forehead. The beard is obligatory.

The Best way of becoming British is actually to smuggle yourself into a refrigerated meat lorry in Calais.