The Really Bad Advice Thread

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If you see a cop sitting in a car on the side of the road with their lights off, stop and ask them if they're having trouble with their vehicle.

If the cheese has some mold on it, go ahead and use it anyway.....it probably is producing penicillin, which is good for you.

if you're lactose intolerant, but still want to eat cheese, take some low fat cottage cheese, wait till the expiry date is almost over, put it in the freezer, then defrost, put on the radiator, and the result will be extremely fartless

how to try to appear spontaneous:
walk at a steady pace along a footpath within the same gait tempo as the other pedestrians, and then suddenly about-face and bolt in the opposite direction for no apparent reason.

when standing behind a queue of people at the checkout at a supermarket, suddenly voice your unreasonable elation with a tarzan call like this http://www.soundclick.com/player/single ... 54145&q=hi

people will then have to admit that you are spontaneous.

if you want to look cool and make some friends, buy a fluorescent wig, army boots, and mutter constantly in pidgin Latin. People will adore you!

if one desires to rob a bank, then the best advice i can give is to not wear any clothes, because the first thing that witnesses always remember is the clothes, and if they can not describe what you are wearing, then no one will know what to look for as you escape the area.

if one really wants to go "fanging" about around the streets in a souped up car, then my advice is to do it in reverse. as long as you do not have arthritis, then select reverse and go as fast as you want (within the confines of the gear (which can be modified)), and then if you are booked for speeding, you can sue the manufacturer of your car for the fine due to the fact that it's speedo does not work in reverse.

there are plenty of roads which i have driven along in the past which have had "one way" printed upside down on the roadway, and i have encountered much traffic coming from the opposite direction that blew their horns at me as i forged my way along those roads with the incorrectly oriented "one way" sign that the oncoming traffic failed to notice was printed upside down (it would have looked correct from their perspective which adds to the danger), and when i finally cleared the street, i realized that the world is full of "on-coming" idiots, and they must simply be avoided rather than forced back

Lol

If you have a date with a fashion-wise blonde, the best way to impress her is by wearing a Klingon costume and talking exclusively about Klingon mating rituals. The more details the better.

When talking to a girl you'd like to date, wink one eye and then the other, alternating eyes about every 30 seconds. Pretty soon, she'll get the idea!

To save money at the grocery store, get one of those tee-shirts that says, "I'm not fat! I'm pregnant!" Then slip the more expensive items under the shirt. It is best to wander around in the store for at least five to nine months, however, before checking out, so your story will be more believable. If questioned, you can say you are having a love affair with one of the clerks and that is why you are there so long. If you are a guy, just wear a wig and high heels to arouse less suspicion.

If someone ask you to speak up, open your eyes wide and yell as loud as you can.

If you are having a bad argument with your Mother-in-law, settle it by reminding her that the anagram for Mother-in-law is Woman Hitler.

When you're suffering from post viral fatigue, the best thing to do is to go to a rock concert and forcefully jump till wee morning hours all the while drinking whiskey or scotch.

You should not carry your bank cards, credit cards, wallet and mobile phone with you when you go out because you may end up losing them. You should always keep them in a safe place at home.