Post your literal jokes here

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I've gotten in trouble with that one.

Them: What's up?
Me: The ceiling.

Them: Can you give me John's phone extension?
Me: Yes, I can.

I knew of a guy once in high school, a real over-achiever type...

Someone: What's up?
Him: My GPA.

Ok, this one isnt a dad joke.

"Its not my fault I am fat! I have a gland problem!"

"So stop eatin' so many damn glands!"

I had this classmate who didn't even know my relatives but always greeted me with:

"How's your family?"

I always gave the only answer that remained true all the time:

"Still alive."

EDDIE DOG!! !

goodness, just the other day you were this little kid,
and now you are understanding jokes like this!



your friend,
Merle

i do not really have a literal sense of humor that is funny to anyone but me.

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someone asked me to solve a joke

them: why is a woman like a washing machine?
me: errmm let me think.
them: because......
me: no let me think!!
them: .......
me: because they always have to have a spin cycle? or something to do with cycles?
them (rolling eyes): no. because you dump a load into it and....(i forget the rest).
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i tried to make up jokes once when i worked 9-5 and i went to a tavern to eat dinner and there were a few people i talked to there who came and sat with me. i wanted to tell them original jokes that they never heard anywhere else.
i have no talent in that area unfortunately.
example (i have posted this before)

Q: what is the similarity between having "just enough dinosaurs", and "riding a horse" ?
A: you have no spare tyrannosaurus. (phonetically similar to "you have no spare tire and a sore ass" (in australia we pronounce "ass" as "ahhs" kind of))
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i like to answer other people's jokes with simple answers.

the simplest example is:
Q: why did the chicken cross the road?
my A: because it was walking in a direction bisected by a road?
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some people say "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it must be a duck"
but it could be a drake.
also they maybe having hallucinations and it is not anything.

i always start to laugh when i go into that defiant kind of impeding thing i do when people start getting comedic.
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someone at the tavern once said "jeezus! i'm thick in the head" after they had one too many drinks and they were tired.
i said "goodness! i did not realize you had a lisp!. and i also did not know you were sick in the head"

it was only funny to me
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if someone says to me "how are you"? i often think "because my mum and dad f*cked when i was an egg in her" and i smirk and say "reasonable". no one ever asks what i am smirking (almost laughing) about. they just want to get the transaction over and so do i.
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i have written a few phonetic scripts which i think would make good skits.
i do not think it is relevant to include phonetic humor examples in a thread about literal humor so i will not post......actually yes i will.

i was annoyed to find out the basis of one idea i had had already been thought of. i guess i should not have been surprised.
my idea was to have a person who stutters severely always stutter on a word that is crucial to the potential development of their sentence. so i wrote a feeble script.

then i saw some animated train show where some train stuttered and did the same recipe that i thought of. oh well, but here is the script i wrote before i saw the TV show with the stuttering train.....(you have to read this in an english accent or it will not make sense if you are american and pronounce "r"'s where english people (and australian) do not) so...

i met a nice girl the other night at the bar.
i told her she looked like a whore… a whore.. a horticulture student i used to do classes with.
she said "what line of work are you in"? i said i screwed shee..i screwed shee..i screwed shee.. i screwed sheet metal panels onto trains.

then i said "if i can make you cum..cum...errr cum....um if i could make you comfortable, would you like to see my pee… my pee...my pee… my pee... err see my peaceful little pad"?

then i said i said I do not have a condom…condom…condominium, but I have a real nice di.. di ...di....di...a real nice "digs".

she said she was not the type of girl to fuc... fuc... fuc... forget her sensibilities.

i said to her "i can see your vag... your vag…. your vag… i can see you’ve adjusted your hat. it makes you look really stu…really stu… really stu ..it makes you look really studious".

she said how do you get on with your mother?
i said "i cut her up….cut her up… cut her up....i cut her ruptured water pipe out and repaired it last week so she is happy with me".

the girl said "i bet she was thankful".
i said "she was very gra… very gra…very gra…she was very gray in the face because she had a mild heart attack at that time".

she said "how did you fix the pipe?". i said "thrust my co….thrust my co….thrust my co….the rust my god!! !!. there was too much and i had to replace it".

she said I was very strange and i said "yes, but also very cu…cu…cu...um very curiously hunk .…hunk.…err uncoordinated".

she said "what will we do at your place?".
i said "i want to look up your c*nt….look up your c*nt…look up your country of origin on the internet".

she said "and then what?".
i said "and then i want to lick you…lick you ….to lick you…i just want a liqueur and a mint".

she said she had a lot of "photos" she could download onto my drive.
but she said "she had multiple org….multiple org…multiple org… multiple or grainy exposures" in her photo album.

she asked what else she could do to relax herself. i said "i use goo..i use goo..i use goo...i use google to find entertainment".

she said she was getting bored with me and i said "well i guess that is because you can see that i am stutt.....i am stutt..… i am starting to get uncomfortable with you".


she said "your mind is not bound and your thoughts flow with the breeze. so you are a free…you are a free..... a free …...you are a freak".

i said "well for more normal fun, you could fill up my arse….fill up my my arse…err fill my arsenal of water pistols with water and we can play soldiers".

she said that sounded grea….grea…grea...grea...gravely sick in the head. she was going to go.
i asked her to stay and she said "no"

i said "well just f*ck off….f*ck off…well just for coffee then?"

she said "i just want to suck….suck…...i just want to suck…i just want a security guard!! !! !".

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yeah i guess it is not relevant to this thread.

I just sprayed soy milk on the keyboard.

All these jokes remind me of 'Howard' off the Mighty Boosh. He was in a sketch where the guys had fallen out with one another, so they made companions out of coconuts. He was introducing one to another and said 'This is so and so, she's a little bit shie.' (coconut shie)

your response is beyond my capacity to understand. i can not fathom the actual meaning of what you said.
sorry it is my deficit of understanding and not your deficit of ideational substance.

i do not wish to discuss it other than to say i do not know what you mean.
"soy milk" on a keyboard.
i will think about what it could mean but i suspect it does not mean anything that i would understand.

i hope my reply does not sound unfriendly because it is not.

i will report when i realize the meaning of your sentence and that will be sometime in the future.

It means I found it funny, and laughed with a mouthful of soy milk- which went flying out.

Q: why did the chicken cross the road?
A: because it was stapled to the punk rocker

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,

'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs,'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER

Mrs Riche called her butler into her boudior and imperiously commanded:
"Jeeves, I have heard a lot about you but today I see that it is true."

"First of all, take off my dress!"

"Yes, Madame" and Jeeves does

"And now, Jeeves. . .take off my slip!"

"Yes, Madame" and Jeeves does

"And now, Jeeves. . .take off my underwear!"

"Yes, Madame" and Jeeves does

"And now Jeeves" Said Mrs Riche

"I never want to see you wearing them, again!

The class assignment in composition was to write
about something unusual that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began,
and then "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher.
"Is he all right now?"

"He must be," said little Johnny. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

A fish swims into a brick wall and says, "Dam!"