The Really Bad Advice Thread

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If you have a dishwasher and find you are out of dishwasher specific soap you can substitute that with regular liquid dish soap. Just be sure to use a little more of that than you would the other kind.

Give all your pets beer. The tropical fish can swim in it.

The grass is always greener at the spot where an LED green traffic light is lighting it. Especially when there’s a big truck rushing like mad towards it. Or maybe it’s the adrenaline what makes it look so superb?

Whenever you see police, run towards them as though you intend to run them down. Also be sure to flap your arms and gobble like a turkey as loudly as you can, while running towards them. It is a little known fact that the police love this.

If someone who doesn't respect your personal space walks up close behind you when you're waiting in line, swiftly elbow them in the gut, spin around, and give them an uppercut

Throwing salt backwards over your shoulder is a great idea if you’re waiting in line. Pepper is even better.

Don't ask questions when you don't understand instructions because you would look stupid and embarrass yourself. Just pretend that you understand everything and figure out how to do your task yourself.

Always play bagpipes at a job interview.

After you've finished playing the bagpipes, ask if your costs will be reimbursed for hiring them.

If your toast gets stuck in the toaster and catches fire, the safest way to get your toast out, is with a knife. Don't bother to unplug the toaster first, as that will take too long. Also, if the toaster is STILL on-fire after you remove the toast, use lighter fluid to douse the flames.

Always bring a beer to a job interview. Offer one to the interviewer. And offer one to the cop who pulls you over on the way home.

When the cop moves to put the cuffs on you, run away while playing the bagpipes.

Electric eels are great things to pet if your life has become too boring.

Never remove tinfoil from leftovers before microwaving them. It adds flavor. Also, if there is a fork or spoon in the container, leave that in as well, for good measure.

Whenever you take a standardized test, go ahead and let your score indicate your worth as a human being.

Whenever you get a large amount of food, eat it all as fast as you can to make sure no one else can take any.