Post your literal jokes here

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"Duck!"

"Where?"

*thump*

i will only post stuff i thought of in this thread. they are my literal jokes. they are funny to me.

someone told me they are afraid when they drive home from the pub that they will be caught for drink driving at a "breathalyzer stop".
a "breathalyzer stop" is a series of police cars and buses that gather on the side of the road and they pull people over to test their breath. they always set up in an area where if drunk drivers see them, they have no legitimate roads to turn off into. they are usually set up after a bend in a long stretch of road, and when a driver sees the booze buses, their only method of potential escape is to suddenly do a U-turn, whereupon a police car will rapidly start chasing them.

so my "solution" is this:

when you go around a bend and see a booze bus "camp" with lights all blaring, you pull over onto the shoulder well before you reach them and switch the car off, and then get out and start swigging from a bottle of whiskey.

a policeman will certainly get in his car and turn around and speed back to inspect you. he will see that you are hastily drinking from a bottle of spirits while you wait outside your car for him to arrive.

at that point there is no use doing a breath test because it can not be determined whether your blood alcohol level is a result of what you drank after switching your car off and getting out.

when they angrily say " why are you drinking that?" you say "because i have serious anxiety attacks every time i see police lights, and i that is why i stopped had to have a drink to calm my nerves".

that is possibly ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) humor. especially if there is a mild smirk on the face of the drinker after the policeman realizes he can not charge them.

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said.
"How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

Two blonds walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Anna sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice, don't you think Lea"
"Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what in the hell does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'"
Anna takes another sniff and whiff, and offers her arm to Lea again saying.....
"That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

Person 1: Can I ask a stupid question?
Person 2: Better than anyone I know!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!

* Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.*

* Men keep reading *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

* Men Keep reading *

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen!

Ha I've fallen victim to many literal things, that become jokes because of me whether originally intended to be or not. Quite a few in geography lessons when my teacher would take the mickey out of me for what I didn't understand.

*talking about flood prevention techniques*
TEACHER: Just make sure you don't muddy the water too much in your essay (mix things up)
ME: How does muddying the water help?

TEACHER: He (another teacher) goes to Glenn Miller concerts
ME: Who's Glenn Miller?
TEACHER: He's dead
ME: How does he go to concerts then?
TEACHER: He doesn't! It was a joke
ME: Oh

And various other awkward comments from me making me look a right idiot. Never told them about my AS, though my teacher told me he'd noticed I take things very literally throughout my 2 A level years.

A local charity realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to extract a contribution.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are well beyond her means?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Um... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "OR that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken charity rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"OR how about that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "... leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

In Turkey, I was at the bar at the hotel, and the bartender asked how long I'd been there, and I said, "A few minutes," but he meant how long have I been in Turkey, LOL.

Hilarious thread!

"My brother doesn't have a nose."
"How does he smell?"
"Terrible!"

Look out - explosives inside.