Post your literal jokes here
A man approached a beautiful woman at a supermarket and said:
"I lost my wife in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a while?"
She looks at him funny and asked. "So why should I talk to you?"
He answers:
"Because whenever I talk to a woman with an ass like yours my wife just pops out of nowhere"
This isn't a joke, it's an anecdote, but it's funny.
Once a year, I go along with a bunch of teenage and young adult aspies
to a local university, where we talk about the aspy experience to a bunch of Uni students.
I'm the token old fart.
Last time, I recognised one of the kids from a previous (different) occasion.
I was surprised at how much taller he was and how much he had 'grown up'.
So, without thinking, i waltzed up, all smiley faced and expecting to be immediately recognized, and said,
"Hi!
Wow, you've shot up!"
Well, you should have seen his jaw drop and his eyes pop!
He was just horrified!
I can imagine him thinking "I haven't shot anything up! I'm just a kid!
I've never even touched a gun! I've never shot anything!"
I realised my mistake straight away, and explained myself, I was pretty embarrassed!
He was pretty suspicious of me from there on.
But now it makes me crack up every time I think about it!
I know now that he is one of those kids that was diagnosed autistic as a baby
and given intensive and successful therapy.
He's but I have to watch what I say to him.
I wonder what he would think of this post :
"I waltzed up" "jaw drop and eyes pop" "makes me crack up" "watch what I say"
...of course, there's this part of me that wonders when I said
"Wow, you've shot up!"
and he was completely horrified,
that he may in fact have shot someone up
and was thinking
"Oh My God!
How did You find Out!
I thought I got away with it!"
_________________
Be kinder than necessary for everyone is fighting some kind of battle
-Jaleb
this is not a joke either.
apparently some nationally famous football team is playing at some sports ground for the first time in 30 years.
lot's of people are excited, but they will all be old when the game finally happens. also if that football team is playing there in 30 years, then they will be rickety old men at that stage i would think. and also they will be playing there for the first time
why get excited at something that will happen 30 years in the future?
i was corrected at work during a conversation.
___________
there was a recent funeral for some famous person who i forget the name of.
apparently people gathered together at the funeral to "remember" the person who was being buried..
could they not remember him by themselves? why do they need to group and coagulate together in order to recall who he was?
i know they could remember by themselves normally, but they must be propelled into an amnesic state by the shock of their friends death or something.
--------
i was at work recently (i had to go into the office) and i was watching the overhead TV in the tea room which had the 11:00 am news on.
i saw that there was a person recently who was killed somewhere and their body was returned to australia.
on the news they said "his body is finally back on australian soil" and i wondered why they they said "on" rather than "in".
they (other staff) told me he was not buried yet.
so then why would he be "on the soil"?
surely he would be refrigerated......
i was told to shut up with my speculation that day in the tea room.
-----
the "go duster" (an infomercial product) apparently attracts dust like a "magnet", but dust is not attracted to magnets, so they are telling me it does not work any better than a magnet (which is useless).
_________
there is some disinfectant i have seen advertised where the advertisement says "it kills even the germs you can't see".
many average people who are tired may think... "goodness!! ! i never saw a germ in my life so it sounds like the ideal product to kill them"
i find it all rather amusing.
______
Mr. Literal!
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/529003
_________________
Solitude is impracticable, and society fatal.
-- Emerson
I was at my parents' for diner, we were going to eat broccoli.
D = dad, M = me
D: Do you want sauce over the broccoli?
M: I don't want sauce over the broccoli.
Dinner was ready.
M: Where is the sauce?
D: You said you didn't want sauce.
M: I said I didn't want sauce over the broccoli.
D: You can make your own sauce now.
Fortunately I'm quite a good cook, and my father is over-critical (like me), and he liked the sauce
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