Write the worst short story you possibly can

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A protagonist was born. His name was Pute. He had a quiet childhood with nothing of note occurring. When he reached adolescence his village was completely massacred, he survived by not being present at the massacre. Two days later he accidentally fell down a hole and died. And all this happened for no reason at all. The end.

a frustrated poet was musing out in the desert, and along came a girl out of nowhere who was as fair as a hessian bag lavishly rolled in pearlescent nail polish.
he spied her like a spider spying a spoke in the fallen rotted wheel of an abandoned stage coach, and he saw that she seemed to be in a state of whimsical depression that made her seem like a sleepy moray eel flowing with the stream of her melancholy toward the holding yard of an alaskan timber mill.
suddenly, a pall of electrical impulses ran up and down his spine, and before he could say "margaret dianne dorothy macpherson nee winchester-crighton barnsley", he was out of there.

he scurried to a place where he remembered he had hidden a pencil, and he broke it into a million pieces so as to protect himself from having to write about what he had just witnessed.

such was the frustrated poet.

Not bacon.

Not bacon. Not bacon, Not bacon, Not bacon. Not bacon? Not bacon.

Not bacon!
Not bacon! Not bacon! Not bacon!
Not bacon

NOT bacon.

^
That was a beautiful analysis.
*claps*

---
"Well, fine then!" Lillikoi cried.

It was just so terrible! No one seemed to care.

Her mother didn't care that she had packed her a PB&J instead of turkey; her father didn't care that she had "accidentally" blown up the microwave; and nobody realized they forgot to take her shopping at Old Navy.

There was only one escape from this tragic life, she decided: running away. So with the speed and grace of a snow leopard, she bolted out the open door.

"L-lillikoi! Come baaack!" Her younger sister called, a voice that made her heart twist. It hurt so much to ignore her, but she paid them no mind. She just kept running, running with tears streaming from her eyes in a typical melodramatic fashion. She ran and ran and ran, without looking back...
and then she ran headfirst into a pole.

.....
Where am I? Lillikoi thought. She was at the end of the block.

"Oh, I must've fell." So she walked back home and had dinner, and by then her family had completely forgotten what happened.

The above piece is most intriguing because it rather comedically illustrates a human tendency to believe that one is alone in his or her struggles—a paranoid suspicion prompted by a lack of sympathy from loved ones. The Lillikoi character smacks into a rather symbolic pole; this pole represents tough love, as it rather bluntly knocks her back to reality, and she realizes that there really was no issue after all—or at least not one of life-ruining proportion.

I think the reader will agree that everyone needs a 'pole' in their life.

there once was a lonely camel who was born into an unnatural land where mules stood around while mustangs pranced wild and free, and he wondered pensively whether the life of a mule was worth as much as a lake full of dead fish.

"it could only be a matter of time" he thought (in camelese) "until the mustangs blow their tail pipes and spew aft-ward an eerie grey haze of flagging determination".

what could be worse for a camel who is a stranger in a distant land? a lake full of dead fish could feed only scavengers, but those scavengers would more than equal the rhetoric absurdity displayed by a live but bored and immobile mule stunned into inertia by the enormity of it's stupidity.
on the other hand, the mustangs who are launching themselves foreward on sheaths of filthy black plumed thrust funnels sprouting from their rear decks are similarly frightening......... and prone to make one homesick.

the camel's mind descended into an amorphous mental haze at the macabre beauty of his displaced majestic wonderment, and never thought a thought again, and lived happily until he contracted a virus that felled him within one short but memorable viral season.

once upon a time, an abattoir worker accidentally stunned himself with the stun gun and fell foreward into a cow who reared up and knocked another abattoir worker over who also dropped his stun gun which then went off and triggered another stun gun to go off, and before long there was a chain reaction of stun guns wildly recoiling and discharging all throughout the slaughter yard and everyone was just stunned at what was happening.

a nearby person who heard the commotion rang the police who sent a chopper to investigate, and it flew too low and got clipped by a stun gun thrashing around, and the pilot got stars in his eyes and headed for the nearest movie set to see a real star.

seeing that the helicopter had veered off course and that the pilot was talking gibberish, they sent out another 2 choppers to investigate and they watched as the first pilot tried to land next to the caravan of the lead star, and then she emerged.

she was wearing a stunning dress, and upon seeing it, all the pilots were stunned and their helicopters spiraled out of control and one crashed into her caravan.

an emergency was declared and the army was now called in to assess the situation due to the disappearance of all the police helicopters off the radar, and they sent tanks in as well as the tactical squad, but unfortunately the rotor of the helicopter that crashed into her caravan snagged her wardrobe of stunning dresses, and flung them high into the air, and as the army was approaching, the stunning dresses started to rain down around them and the turrets of the tanks started spinning and firing wildly, and the tactical squad fell to their knees stunned.

the end.

And so when he went there again, it was the same as before and he could not stand it, so he tried calling 911 and reporting everyone for being unbearably boring,but the dispatcher just laughed at him, so he poured pancake syrup in everybody's gas tanks.

The abattoir owner knew that this was a sticky situation and he was loosing lots of money and the farm was starting to smell of decomposing cow. The residents were outraged. And suddenly as quick as a flash the idea came to him, the sweet sticky fumes were enough to entice any potential buyer to his farms proximity and luckily for him his vehicles where already running on biofuels. And as quick as the thought in his head his new dairy cows where churning out the best pancake milk in the darn world. Everyone was happy, even the cows. He even named each cow and the cows became famous and people adopted each cow into early retirement. The end

Bad or Good. Bad, because any mistake may appear accidently. Good, because that´s a real live-sourced bad story . Bad, because it´s not that inventive. Good because you are already bored. Bad, because that´s what makes the story a good bad story. Good, because its meant to be a bad story. Bad .Good. End.

There once was a womon named Jane.
She often hit men with her cane.
She put in a track
for installing her rack
'Cause as*holes deserve to feel pain.

The outcome was so much the same!
Men cursed after saying her name.
They came in a pack,
ended up on the rack,
Thinking it all a sexual game.

So Jane tortured, sun or rain.
And some of them ended up slain.
For Jane had a knack
for breaking their backs;
Mere torture began to seem tame.

One day a human looked up at the sky and said 'what the f***' suddenly everything in the area was destroyed including that individual, as the drone flew away after dropping a bomb because everyone knows in the year 2525 its illegal to be outside past 8:30 at night and some a**hole decided this was a good way to enforce it.

The End.

well that was depressing.

A Drama/Horror Story

One day Tiffany was eating a cheese sandwich and reading the latest edition of Teen Vogue, when suddenly she spotted something that made her heart stop.

"Plaid bags are so last season. Cool kids carry striped bags!"

Tiffany looked at her poor pitiful plaid J. Crew bag sitting forlornly in the corner. Bile rose in her throat and she was unable to finish her sandwich. She burst into great, gasping sobs at the horrific thought of carrying an unfashionable bag to school. Everyone would think she was, like, a freak!

She had to get to the mall immediately. After taking 10 minutes to reapply her makeup, she jogged to the mall (at a moderate speed so as to avoid getting all sweaty and disgusting.)

Once there, she rushed into J. Crew and inspected the selection. There was a whole shelf of those hideous plaid bags, but not a single striped bag!

This was it. She was officially socially doomed. She pictured herself dressed in rags, hair stringy and greasy, wandering the streets aimlessly, begging strangers for money and collecting her meagre earnings in her plaid bag.

She began to cry mournfully, and her tears turned into a waterfall. The waterfall swept her out into the hall, where, lo and behold, she found her best friend Britney, carrying the last striped bag.

Tiffany seethed with rage. All of a sudden, her eyes changed into glowing red coals, her teeth into sharp white fangs, her nails into razor-sharp (but perfectly manicured) claws. She pounced on Britney like a lion on its prey.

"Die, b****!" she hissed, pinning Britney down with her claws and getting ready to sink her fangs into Britney's neck.

"I'm sorry!" Britney wailed. "I'll do anything--just let me go!"

"Can I have that striped bag?" Tiffany growled.

"Y-yes!" Britney stammered. "Just-let-me-go!"

Tiffany took her claws off Britney and stood up. Her eyes changed back into baby blues and her smile into a rosy-cheeked teenage girl smile. She grabbed the striped bag and flashed her pearly whites.

"Thank you soooo much!" she cried. "OMG, you're like the best BFF ever!"

She sauntered off, proudly carrying her trendy striped bag. Now that she had the right bag, she'd surely be able to attract a lot of hot guys.

And there was one, standing right by the Victoria's Secret mannequins! Sun-bleached blond hair, hunky face with an adorable cleft in his chin, huge abs...he was to die for!

Tiffany strutted up, smiling her winning smile. The guy looked up from the half-dressed mannequin and grinned at her.

"Hi, my name's Tiffany!" she gushed, tossing her hair coyly. "What's yours?"

Before the guy could respond, an arm was slung around his shoulder. Britney cuddled up closer to him and snarled at Tiffany, flashing evil yellow eyes.