Kinda long, but had me cracking up throughout. These are just excerpts.
Grateful Dead
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THÏS ÄRTÏCLË RÄẄKS
Höẅëvër, ït nëëds mörë ümläüts.
“It was a swrling creamy delight that took my tastebuds to an alternate dimension where cows give cherry-flavored milk while singing in the purple moonlight, in other words - Not bad.”
~ Jerry Garcia on Cherry Garcia
“And you guys thought I was a druggie.”
~ Jimi Hendrix on Grateful Dead
“They're the s**t.”
~ Captain Obvious on Grateful Dead
“Who?”
~ Jimmy Valentine on Grateful Dead
The Grateful Dead is the name given to a cabal of right-wing activists and mercenaries of the super-rich that fronts as a psychedelic rock group to infiltrate the hippy world and run drugs for the CIA. Note that the parasite called The Grateful Dead, that lives in the bowels of hippies is, so called by coincidence according to most experts on the matter. There is no hard evidence behind the rumors that this was engineered by the group The Grateful Dead as a biological weapon.
History
The Grateful Dead was originally a regimen of Special Ops. Army forces used to assassinate Soviet and Chinese officials in North Vietnam during the Vietnam War, as well as to carry out psyops against the populations of both North and South Vietnam. Firm believers in the slogan "Better Dead than Red" they named their organization in honor of civilians killed in the bombings of North Vietnam who they believed were grateful to no longer be living under Communist rule. To keep their mission top secret, the leaders of the group made frequent trips to their adopted home of San Francisco between missions, attempting to blend in with the local population. During one such trip in 1967, Lt. Colonel Jerome "Jerry" Garcia and Majors Robert "Bob" Weir and Phillip "Phil" Lesh became concerned about the growing unrest they saw with the war at home. It was then that they met with West Point graduate and CIA operative Timothy Leary who helped them devise a strategy. Leary introduced the soldiers to Ronald "Pigpen" McKernan - venture capitalist and corporate raider, William "Bill" Kreutzman (a high-priced lawyer whose clients included the John Birch Society, Exxon, The Daughters of the Confederacy, and The Walt Disney Company), and Robert Hunter, a lobbyist for the nuclear power and coal industries, who also had a side business running safaris to hunt endangered species. Leary's plan was that they should from a rock band and use it to influence the hippy culture with subtle right-wing propoganda. The only problem was that none had ever sung nor played instruments before. But Leary had a solution - LSD. Now, Garcia, Weir and Lesh were familiar with LSD have given it to both soldiers and interrogated prisoners, so they knew of its near magical properties (the soldiers at once became hyperobedient and super killing machines, while the prisoners became more cooperative than anyone could have hoped). Still, they wondered about its ability to produce musical talent. Needless to say, Mckernan, Kreutzman, and Hunter, who were naive about the drug, were horrified. But, just like Jack the Ripper, just like Mojo Hand, just like Billy Sunday in a shotgun ragtime band, and all other prominent men of their time, they had implicit trust in Leary. Thus did the experiment take place and it was an almost unqualified success - Hunter remained tone deaf but developed a talent for writing lyrics. He used this talent to assist the other five who developed such musical ability that you would swear their music came from God himself. They quickly became twice as popular as The Beatles, a popularity that would not wane until 1986 when Led Zeppelin, Metallica, and Spinal Tap joined forces to form a supergroup known as The Happy Little Elves, but to gain further popularity, they joined the group.
Incidentally, for those people who are obsessed with military ranks, the Grateful Dead's first album - imaginatively titled "The Grateful Dead" - lists Garcia as "Captain Trips", a superb example of double-bluff. At the time he really was a colonel (well above the rank of captain in the army but equivalent to a captain in the navy), and yes, he was in charge of distributing trips (that's doses of LSD to the unititiated, or just plain head-in-the-sand stupid people out there) on behalf of the CIA. The only "trips" that Garcia was taking at the time were picking up and distributing acid-soaked blotting paper coming in on barges.
Song Meanings (ie stuff that sketchy hippies claim this crap means while eating bacteria filled veggie burritos)
Box Of Rain Not really about anything. The rest of the group just humored bass player Phil Lesh by letting him put his acid-induced ramblings into one song for the album so he'd stop complaining. FUN FACT: It took Phil 642 takes to finally get the vocals right. What you hear on the album though is actually just random bits of them edited together though to give the illusion that it's Phil Lesh and that he's miracuously singing on key.
El Paso This is yet another song (See Mexicali Blues) that tells the story of how Bob Weir is an evil bastard who enjoys flaunting about how he killed some guy over a 14-year-old Mexican girl. Some Dirty Hippies theorize that there is a double meaning here and that the song really refers to pouring salsa down Bobby's short shorts.
Greatest Story Ever Told' This song is in fact, NOT the greatest story ever told. There are many Christian right-wing references in the song, rambling on about Moses and his love for space travel. We also learn in a freakishly scary voice that Moses was freakishly tall, man. It is also said that Abraham and Isaac are lazy b*****s who also need a left-handed monkey wrench in order to get back to work, as we know heaven only opens with one.
Me and My Uncle An old Hip-Hop cover song about bling blang bang bang glockin the hos down in the street gansta style leavin them dead on the side of the road and stealin their gold.
Mexicali Blues This song tells the story of how Bob Weir is an evil bastard who enjoys flaunting about how he killed some guy over a 14-year-old Mexican girl. Some Dirty Hippies theorize that there is a double meaning here and that the song really refers to Bobby's short shorts.
Mrs. Hippie Half step upthingy majigger bargleshnoodle boo Possibly their most nefarious song. The song attempts to distract the listener with utter nonsense (usually works) while preaching about SMOKE, Weed, God and his minions. It is also a racist clarion call to kill foreigners, and since they come here with nothing, who would notice?
Ripple Incredible song encouraging the consumption of "hooch," "street wine," "fortified wine," "goon," "bum wine," "sterno" or "ghetto wine" and the likes. Jerry really rocked when he had his case of Ripple on the stage.
Uncle John's Band Probably the single most misunderstood song in their songbook. Heralded by many as a hippy patriotic anthem it is, in reality, the covert Manchurian candidate card deck for communists world wide. Everytime that song is played another person falls under the spell of Marxism, a kitten dies, and a pot smoking teenager is tagged for a private cell in Gitmo.
U.S. Blues This song is their anthem of Bush-loving america. Talks about how we all have the right to go out and commit adultery if we feel like it, how to dress snazzy, skin farm animals, and pointing out the obvious.
Bibliography
How and Why The Zionists from Uranus created Bugs Bunny by Noam Chomsky
You Just Haven't Heard the Right Album by Sketch Bisco (GDF kidz what)
Being A Friend of the Devil by Bill Murray
18 Mar 2010, 8:48 am
