Post your literal jokes here

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We've all done it at some point, so 'fess up!

The other day I was asked "What are you up to?" by the old guy who runs the local video rental shop,
who I really like and we joke around a lot.
After the obligatory 3 second auditory processing delay, I put my flattened palm on the top of my head,
stepped away, looked at where my palm was and said "I'm up to about there" deadpan.

He didn't particularly find it very amusing ( to him)

So, that's one of mine, now it's your turn - share.

"what are you up to?"

'about 5'7''


Merle

Being asked, "How's everything going?" And telling the person asking how litteraly EVERYTHING is going, IE the latest DOW numbers, the news I've heard or read throughout the day, which friends are having life crises... My boss finally explained the answer is good, that the question is meant to be a 'Hello' of sorts.

Or being asked "Whats up?" Which is supposed to be another one of those hello phrases... I look at the ceiling nearly everytime.

them:"you are not normal"

me:"No, normal is a vector perpendicular to a surface."

jk

Personal hate:
"What's up?"

My answer is always:
"The sky."

whats up?

Dow Jones

I actually use this joke when performing stand up. the normal people love it.

"I hate when people say 'there you go' I'm always like 'I'm still here!'

Heres a video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cH7eqsNWEA

MartyMoose, I watched your video and thought to myself "I'm going to post that here!"
and then as soon as I did, my e-mail went 'ping'
and you beat me to it!

anyway

today I heard the lady that runs my support group say
"How do I turn on this computer?"
to which there is only one answer:
Buy it some chocolates and flowers and take it out to dinner!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cH7eqsNWEA[/youtube]

This comedian named Kile that I know said yesterday "I saw a mounted policeman and I said 'what are you' and he said 'am mounted policeman' and I said come down here and say that'"
I thought it was halerious. He didn't think it was that good of a joke.

Grocery store cashier asks if I found everything okay. I reply "Yes, I found everything and it was okay."

No laughs yet.

I have seen some good ones elsewhere on WP.
I keep forgetting to put them up here!

I have to do a mental task program at the moment.
One of the questions was "Name as many different types of birds as you can."
I'd rather duck that question.


still no laughs
I should have called the thread "Dad jokes"

It's not really a joke to me, but people seem to laugh whenever I say this


They'll ask how are you, and if I'm not having a good day, I'll say

"Absolutly horrible!"

Then they laugh

One of the stupid jokes my friends and I used to do at high-school was go up to a boy and say,

"Wanna screw?"

Then hand them a screw.

Pretty bad, but at the time we thought we were hilarious.

Helen