KOBIASHI!

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The game of Kobiashi goes like this;
The cast and crew are fed up with THE ACTOR, finally the producer decides that the actor's character must die. He assigns THE WRITER to come up with a way of killing THE ACTOR's character. However, THE ACTOR has cleverly inserted into his contract a provision that allows him to add anything he wishes to the script, and the writer cannot delete it.

THE WRITER must come up with a scenario of killing THE ACTOR's character completely and utterly, while THE ACTOR must try to weasel his character's way out of death.

The character is Captain Jones.

THE WRITER:
Captain Jones was stabbed in the back by his friend Dr. William Peterson. As he lay dying he utters his final words, "I should have known not to put my trust in a doctor."

THE ACTOR:
Captain Jones wakes up in a cold sweat. Eyeing Doctor Peterson as he sleeps in the bunk across from his. He turns to his right to see His lovely mistress Donna Mcgall wearing nothing but red silk lingerie.

THE WRITER:
She opens her mouth and a torrent of scorpions come out. they all start injecting Captain Jones with toxic venom.

THE ACTOR:
Captain Jones opens his mouth and Bees carrying antivenom come out and attack the scorpions.

THE WRITER:
Captain Jones looks at Donna Mcgall to reveal she is nothing but a dummy, same with Doctor Peterson, he gets to the door and discovers he is infact inside a death chamber, toxic gas starts to fill the room as Captains Jones begins to choke.

THE ACTOR:
a terrifying explosion at the far end of the gas chamber sends bricks, concrete, and metal hurling through the air in a cloud of toxic dust.
A small opening ringed with jagged metal appears in the wall, allowing a beam of sunlight to filter in through the deathly haze.
Gasping for air, Captain Jones stumbles towards the opening.

THE WRITER:
As he approaches the opening he realizes that the faint tingle of the sunlight is getting stronger, a burning smell alarms him and he is knocked down as the air suddenly rushes past him and out into the void.

The bandits explosive charges had set him free, but they had also disabled the power supply of the correctional facility's atmospheric containment grid.

His arm is burned from the intense radiation and he has has two minutes of air, at most.

THE ACTOR:
Meanwhile, in an experimental genetic engineering lab, in an underground labyrinth beneath the correctional facility, giant mutated rodents and bats are frightened by the explosion and start wildly scattering about in all directions.

As super sized rodents gnaw their way into the chamber, enormous bats flutter past them to Captain Jones. Five of them grab him by their teeth, lifting him up by his clothing and fly him through a tunnel to their den. (They have their own power supply and atmospheric containment grid).

THE WRITER:
Inside the den, giant mutated mice tie him to a sacrificial post. Giant footsteps are heard and the mice and bats scatter.

A fourty foot high mutated zombie rat notices Captain Jones tied to the sacrificial post, and promptly bites his head off.

THE ACTOR:

The zombie rat spits out the head. It doesn't taste good. He knocks over the sacrificial post in his haste to leave.

As the blood is rushing out of the captain's severed head, professor Habakuk, head of the genetic engineering department, is in an adjacent area secretly working on a chemical formula that he hopes will impart life to inanimate objects.

Confidant that he has finally got the formula right, he heads to a dusty old chest against a wall and opens it to expose a collection of 129 vintage Ginny dolls all dressed in grey flannel poodle skirts and white blouses with peter pan collars

Professor Habakuk spills some of the chemical Potion into the chest.

The 129 vintage Ginny dolls all open their eyes, stand up, and wipe the dust from their flannel skirts. One by one, they climb out of the chest armed with 129 miniature cans of hairspray.

They march in a single file into the bat den and find Captain Jones and his head lying in a puddle of blood. Thinking fast with their newly acquired brains, they proceed to untie him from the sacrificial post and glue the head onto the body with their 129 miniature bottles of hairspray.

The 129 vintage Ginny dolls then march in a single file to where Professor Habakuk is sitting in his favorite chair, smoking Cuban cigars and watching Farmer Grey cartoons.

They proceed to spray hairspray into the Professor's orifices until he can no longer take the torture and agrees to give the Ginny dolls the remainder of his life giving potion.

As they pour the concoction down the Captain's throat, He opens his eyes as though awakening from a refreshing nap.

Captain Jones and the 129 vintage Ginny dolls, all wearing grey flannel poodle skirts and white blouses with peter pan collars, march in a single file out of the labyrinth and into the brightness of day, occasionally stopping to run around in joyous circles, while flailing their arms and humming to the beat of a different drum.

THE WRITER:

Suddenly, the planet explodes, everything is obliterated leaving no trace of Captain Jones.

THE ACTOR:

Far into the future, DNA reconstitution technology has advanced enough to revive someone from a single cell.

The initial test is done in a clean room environment- however the staff are delayed because of a solar radiation storm and so the maintenance man is asked to start the procedure for them to remotely monitor. He is unfamiliar with the clean protocols and is in a hurry to leave after his long shift.

In his abruptness he mistakenly inserts a clean vial into the machine instead of the sample provided, and some of the dust from his hands falls in.

This dust grows into a new Captain Jones.

THE WRITER:

Unfortunately, the DNA contained in the dust from the maintenance man's hand was damaged from years of exposure to toxic elements. Although Captain Jones was successfully regenerated, He suffered many deformities caused by chromosomal deletions and duplications.

Besides having two and one half heads and an extra eye on his left shoulder, he seemed to have far to many fingers and toes and no one could explain why he was wearing nothing but a grey flannel poodle skirt

His tiny deformed heart could not adequately pump blood to his two and one half heads. At 2:23 AM western standard time, Captain Jones took his last breath.

THE ACTOR:
Fortunately for Captain Jones, computer technology was good enough to reconstruct the dust and remake Captain Jones into the man he once was, with his memories intact. After several attempts they finally achieved a perfect Captain Jones. They saved the data about his physiology in memory banks scattered throughout the universe that will allow him to be reconstituted anywhere.

technologically advanced nanobots give Captain Jones superpowers. He can slow down time, he can remember anything, he can fly, teleport and has super strength. He has telekenisis and mind control, his body regenerates if its partially destroyed.

THE WRITER:

Indeed he was reconstructed, everywhere. In every Galaxy, on every planet that could sustain life. As the Captain Jones population grew throughout the known and unknown universe, the "Jonesies", as they came to be known, used their superpowers to transform all life on their respective planets into replicas of themselves.


"Jonesies" began to suffer and die from complications and diseases caused by a lack of genetic diversity and no amount of body regeneration could save them. A super virus evolved that infected the Jonesies and went under the radar of their super powers. Viewed through a very powerful microscope, the virus resembled a bi-pedal mouse with a pointy snout wearing white slippers. It was called the slipper virus. Swept up in a solar dust storm, It was carried to the far reaches of the universe.


The slipper virus attacked the Jonesies through their telekinetic minds and ate their micro circuits and turned their DNA into liquid mush.


In the year 25,000,025, Jonesies became extinct, leaving absolutely no trace of their genetic code on any planet in the known and unknown universe.

THE ACTOR:
Captain Jones wakes up, and realizes he has seen a glimpse into the future. he augments his body and the Jones database with Slipper Virus immunity, as well as immunity to all pathogens virus, bacteria, fungus, amoeba, and parasite. He reprograms the pods not to allow more than 1 Captain Jones to be alive at one time. He walks off into the sunset alive forever, THE END.

THE WRITER:
He walks off into the sunset alive forever...until THE END.

The end of the cosmos as we know it.
The universe began with a Big Bang and expansion perhaps followed by contraction, in a set of infinite cycles of oscillating universes, expanding and contracting.

At the cusp of a new universal cycle, nothing from the previous cycle trickles through the Big Bang... except Captain Jones and his super powers.
It is believed that with a new cycle, the fundamental laws of nature may be randomly shuffled.

In this new universe the laws of cause and effect are reversed.
effect: Captain Jones' body lies lifeless in a puddle of purple goop on a newly formed orange planet full of rabbit holes, worm holes, and purple goop.
Cause: unknown because there is no one there to witness it.