Disorder in the court

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
FINALLY
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the

autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

I liked the last one best of all.

That is a good one.

made my day

That really made me laugh.

I have a similar book called Court in the Act by another court reporter, Beverley Tait. It's more about Australian courts (with some English and American courts, amongst others thrown in), ranging from Criminal to Civil to Family.

With such anecdotes as:

hehe

*Snickers quietly* I've got to get my hands on that book!

actually crying with laughter here. And I already saw them on another site a few months ago!

Thank you.

I was crying with laughter as well. Last week when we were in court, my ex claimed that I used the same user name on one chat site as I did on Myspace. He said it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out that it was me. I asked him if he was a rocket scientist. He said no. I asked him how the hell he figured it out then. I was chastised for making extra comments.