cheated or been cheated on?

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I had an affair while married to my now NT ex-wife. She only got married because all of her friends were married and thought that i was her ticket to social status. she could not have been more wrong. It was a terrible, loveless marriage. I met a really wonderful woman and we had an affair and it completely changed me for the better. the affair lasted two years and ended when her and her husband, both still married, had to move away. I now have confidence with women that I never could have imagined before. My ex never found out and the affair is not the reason we got divorced. I make no apologies or excuse for what i did and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. We all have reasons for affairs, some good some bad.

While I don't encourage infidelity, there is a part of me that understands why some people do that.

When one person is unwilling to compromise and is unwilling or unable to give the other person something they want, the other person will try to get it from someone else.

It surprises me that not as many people actually look into the whys of infidelity, rather than see simply that it happened, bail, and then deride that person until the day they die.

If I were unsatisfied in a relationship, I would simply end it and look for someone else who can fulfill my needs.

Now that I am poly, It makes me sad that such things have to end relationships...it almost ended my relationship with Flakey...but we managed to reach a (hard fought) compromise that we can work with and it has been for the best...and there doesn't have to be any lying or sneaking around...I don't care what he does with other girls at all anymore...and I have my other friend...(who is also Flakey's friend)..and things are a lot less stressful..for me anyway...and for Flakey who doesn't have to sneak around...though the lack of being able to sneak sorta killed the fun of it for him..I guess...and for my ASish friend who no longer has to struggle with long bouts of celibacy..but I still don't get to see him very often...

We know a couple who are musicians and they were married for 20-odd years...and then the female of the couple had an affair with a mutual friend and now they are getting divorced...and to me it seems such a shame....I wish there was a way they could work things out or at least still be friends...instead, it seems stuff had to get pretty ugly.

I def. believe that polyamory is vastly superior to infidelity...and is a viable alternative to destroying marriages/families etc...it does require some stretching of the mind a bit.

The big problem with infidelity is the lying..any way you look at it....

That's the key bit right there. That's what makes these people cowards. That is what makes the "why" irrelavent. There is never a good reason to cheat. If you have reason to cheat, you have reason to leave.

I left my ex because she didn't like the things I liked, and she was limiting sex to vaginal penetration within marriage. Any attempt to do any other sexual acts, or anything before marriage was considered rape.

And she was firm about those things and wouldn't compromise. Telling her to "stop being a Christian" wouldn't have worked, since she was one of those who was willing to die for her beliefs. She was watching the 700 Club when she should have been watching the Simpsons and South Park.

She and I are still friends and still exchange e-mails, but here are some of her beliefs:

1. You can't take her to an art museum because they have "statues of naked people".

2. She thought the Simpsons Movie was child pornography because of the scene where Bart skateboarded nude.

3. She wants all American cities to be like the town in Footloose (no alcohol, rock music, or dancing).

4. As I have said in previous posts, I like indie/foreign films. To her, watching those is no different than watching porn. Same thing with the Simpsons and South Park.

She never actually said those things, but knowing how rigid she was in her beliefs, it wouldn't surprise me if she was thinking those things.

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 14 Jul 2009, 12:39 pm, edited 4 times in total.

I have walked both sides of that fence; when I first started dating in my teens, I crossed over on a couple occasions while dating others. As an adult, it seems that I have become the one cheated on, time and time again. It isn't something that I feel any desire to do again, and given my experiences it has become an absolute deal breaker for me if my partner betrays that trust in them.


M.

I've read about this issue in several books on AS and ASDs, but my own experience is limited to being cheated on. I didn't even try to have a relationship of any sort until I was in my 20s, and after a couple realized I can't even handle one woman at a time, let alone more than one.

Some researchers suggest that the divorce rate among Aspies is higher than the NT rate, but others dispute this finding, given problems with sample size, the recency of the AS diagnosis, and possible flaws in the surveys. Similar results, with attendant problems, for cheating in relationships or marriage are also found.

Since AS varies substantially from one person to the next, generalizations on this topic are problematic. I have sensory issues, including a hyperacute sense of hearing, sight, and smell, and loathe clutter of any form. So my little home is dark and minimally furnished, and I prefer not to have people visit since I will smell them for hours after. For these reasons and others, relationships are very difficult for me.

Other Aspies who do not have these issues will, I hope, contribute their thoughts and experiences to this line of inquiry.

I am a totally loyal person. To the death.

If my best friend called me and asked me to help dispose of a body I would do it.

But if anyone cheats on me or betrays me they are wiped.

There are no second chances. If you betray me then you are gone from my life.

i have never been able to forgive my main partner for cheating...But we are still together...I managed to forgive him for the first round...where he had an affair under my nose for several months....but when he started it up again a year later, (if it ever even stopped)...that was the straw that broke the camel's back that I have never been able to get over...and the only way I can continue to be with him is if we are poly.
I still love him...but that mark is always there.

It did undoubtedly damage our relationship....but our relationship did have a chaotic beginning...and there have been many bumps in the road...including him leaving me to try to get back together with his ex, and my leaving him and moving to another state because I had feelings for someone else that could not be resolved (note: I didn't cheat...I left)...I felt like I had to leave because my feelings were wrong and would not go away...but it was limerance...and he went out of his way to get me back..

It was all very stressful

interesting. i like the idea. and for those couples that want to stay together they can always remarry.

for those that study primates (including humans) aren't orangutans the most monogamous of the bunch? i seem to remember that it was the chimps that are the most promiscuous. but humans were somewhere in the middle. If anything, humans practice serial monogamy.

poopylungstuffing, i admire your thinking.

fwiw, i've been on both sides of the cheating equation. both have been wonderful growing experiences.

To cheat is not an aspie thing or an NT thing it is a human thing. I feel annoyed at the OP saying AS people are more likely to cheat... grr. Anyone can cheat.

I think a lot of people can find themselves in this position even if they are a loyal person and not dishonest. I think the key is finding the courage to face whatever is happening in the current relationship which is creating the temptation to stray, and making the decision to either fix what is wrong, compromise, or leave.

All in all, relationships can be pretty messy things.

I think I figured out that "OP" means original poster?? Yikes, that's me.

I never said that AS people are more likely to cheat. In fact, I was thinking that NT people are actually more likely than AS people are to cheat... just to clarify... because of some of the inherent difficulties in some AS/NT marriages.

But yes, anyone can cheat, so maybe it's irrelevant.

I thought the same thing.

That's the whole reason I limit myself to other Aspies, because I'm convinced that we don't lie or cheat.

What makes you convinced that those on the spectrum are incapable of infidelity, Tim?


M.

Sorry, I misread the original post. I think it was these bit that did it..





I can be a bit sensitive because some people come on and post complaints about their AS partner or family member, not realising how such a post can affect AS people who read it... I now see that that is not what you were doing.

Personally I think some people get involved with an AS partner and realise too late that they may have problems with some aspects of it. But I think some AS/NT marriages can work. Sometimes I meet NTs that are far more like me than other AS people I know. AS/AS marriages can have problems too... that must be remembered.

~
And Tim you are setting yourself up for a fall if you believe Aspies will never cheat or lie.

cheated or been cheated on?

never have cheated and very seriously doubt that I ever could

old school had it pretty simple, If a person is wearing a ring, it means it's none of your business

These days there are rings in places beyond universal meaning, intention, or implied expectations

As for the cheated on -

with the above philosophy firmly in place, and the firm belief that "I do" means "I won't"

Of course I was cheated on, I am not nor ever have been a jealous person... this is a problem.