Possible alcoholic in denial or have I got it wrong?

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How could I tell whether a friend is in denial of being an alcoholic or if I just got it very wrong? This persons job brings him into alot of pubs and nothing could come between him and that, not even a six month long promise to be elsewhere on a certain night for an important event. The amount of times ive spoken to him when he happened to be hungover is rather high, but that could just be a coincidence I suppose. He gets pretty worked up about it if he thinks that I think theres anything going on with him, he seems to insist at all times that everything in life is amazing for him right now and gets kinda touchy about it if he thinks Im suggesting anything else. He doesnt really say much about himself. I wont have any opportunity to be with him in any kind of situation that would show for sure because he wont meet me in person at the moment either but will talk pretty often through other means. He has excuses for things in the past that dont hold up at all but hes still insists they're true.

I dont really know what to think, or do...

Unfortunately, even if you are right then there really is very little to nothing that you can do. If someone has a drink problem, then it is only when they themselves are able to acknowledge it that they will seek help. All you can do is be there for him, if and when he does come to that realisation.

In the meantime, be wary of the balance between supporting his right to be, against supporting what it will take to keep him alive.

Do you want to keep your friend?

Tell a friend with an alcohol problem (in denial) that they have an alcohol problem and you'll lose a friend - and they'll keep the problem anyway.

Been there, done that....

There's nothing you can do. It will have to burn them out.

I'd just like to say that the way it sounds you are probably right about your friend being an alcoholic. Now here's the hard part. Even though you are aware of it, you can only support this person. If you harp on him you run the risk of losing a friend. I know this because I was a heavy drinker since age 15. I've been sober for 5 1/2 years now and I still occasionally have cravings. Usually when under stress. I had people try to tell me all along the way that I had a problem but of course I didn't believe them. I liked to party and it was a form of relaxation for me. The only one that can tell this person that there is a problem is this person. As for me it took a nervous breakdown and a trip to the ER to make me wake up and realize I had a serious problem. I then clawed my way back to sanity and still work on it today. I could keep going about myself but I guess what I'm trying to say is that until this person realizes and admits there is a problem, all you will do right now is push him away if he feels like he is being harassed. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But definitely love and support him and let him know that you are there if he needs you.
coptermech

I had a severe drinking problem. The turning point for me was when my girlfriend looked at me and said: "you are an alcoholic." Plain and simple, no guilt trips, no expectation, just a statement of fact that I could take or leave as I saw fit.

Hes now mad at me because I dont understand his vague and ever-changing excuses for something important that goes back a few years. None of it adds up, his excuses have changed countless times, he goes back and forth between saying 'it happened 'x' way' when I know it didnt and then saying he doesnt remember the events at all whatsoever. I know he remembers because some of the later events had references by him to the earlier events hes also denying. It is a very big deal, especially when hes telling me it happened one way or it didnt happen at all and I have vivid clear memories telling me otherwise and theres more than one event hes being like this about. He refuses completely to explain anything to me, why he will one day tell me hes there for me anytime I need him and the next wants to push me away to little more than an 'aquaintance' level relationship but hel claim hes not pushing me away it just 'is' this way and theres no reason for it he just doesnt want it and I just need to accept it whether I understand or not. If I express confusion on this and he feels guilty about it he gets really frustrated and then decides to cut off contact because 'I stress him out' and hel tell me 'nobody has ever not believed him before, hes highly respected, people see him as highly reliable, he has a job that carries alot of responsibility(he does), nobody has ever questioned his honesty before, he has never had to do this with any other friend before, that people have told him hes brilliant at reading people therefore hes right and im being unreasonable etc. He has also said he has a degree in psychology when I know what he studied and its something different, he showed me his cv once when I ran into him jobhunting and I didnt see it there plus this was after the time which he is now claiming to have done it, he has got a way with people but I have not seen the kind of insights that anyone with experience in psychology has been able to give and why would he keep it completely as a secret for years then suddenly bring it up as 'evidence' in an argument years later to prove a point, and that im bringin up 'insignificant past events' with him after he has been out all day counselling people on the streets with addictions. At times like that he also usually mentions one single encounter with a relative of mine against having a friendship with me when I have lived with this particular relative all my life, yet when hes 'stressed by me' he uses this one 'unnerving' encounter with the person against the friendship when ive had plenty more like that with the relative, hel say he doesnt trust me then say he does, hel say he has a grudge against me from last time then say he doesnt and never would. It just goes on and on and gets more and more confusing.

Is it possible Im encountering him drunk or something when he gets like this or could I really be that stressful a person to deal with, could I really be causing that much problems? I really hope he doesnt stumble across this website and realise who I am, I dont want to hurt him or make him feel ive breached privacy, I just have nobody else to ask. Am I right to be confused? Im trying to be as neutral and fair here as possible.

http://www.ola-is.org/

Online Al-Anon Outreach
A Service of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee


No one should go it alone, andantespianato. Please help yourself in the best way possible.

sincerely,

Merle

I may come away sounding the harshest of anyone who has posted on this thread. I've been around a few very self-destructive sustance abusers. I have had my life and the lives of those around me adversely affected by it. Don't feel guilty for protecting your own self-interests.

With that said, I must say I am very happy for those in this thread who have traveled far on the long recovery road. I believe you are worthy and capable of a much better life than one burdened with dependance on an addictive substance.

I did engage in what is now termed "binge drinking" in college and I didn't really have an reason to think I had a problem until one morning at work I was approached by a co-worker who was a recovering alcohol and narcotics abuser. He could just tell by my appearance what was going on and he told me directly that he thought I might have a problem. Until reading this thread and thinking about it, I guess I never really seriously considered that I might have had a significant problem. I now realize that I essentially failed a college course about that time and eventually lost that job. Alcohol may have played a significant role. That coworker died a few years later from medical conditions caused by his substance abuse despite having been clean for years.

I am curious to know if anyone has seen statistics on "self medicating" among people on the spectrum. I'm guessing it is more prevalent than with the general population.