Adults with AS, how do you find eye-contact?

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I work hard at achieving appropriate eye contact. At age 37 I am better at it but still have issues. I also find that my career field has bullies and the lack of eye contact or slight appearance of confidence issues turns you into a target and the sheep follow cause they do not want to be a target. Which of course makes things worse and the hornets swarm!! Eye contact is painful...or is it fear inducing? Unsure of which word would properly name the sensation. Part of the eye contact issue for me I think is tied to being brave in situations that cause others to be fearful and fearful in safe situations!! I really do get tired of being this way but I can not seem to help it!

The worst thing in the world was for an authority figure (when I was a kid) to yell at me to "look at me when I speak to you!!"
My nephew does not look and I ask him gently to look at me so I understand that he understands me too..he does ever so briefly..and that is good enough I do not want to pressure him. That always made it worse for me. Sometimes he laughs because I will make a silly face and it keeps him taking snatching glances at me and seems to help with the eye contact.

At first I used that technique of looking at the foread or just near the eyes.

Eye contact has gotten much easier now that I know what it's for. I focus on really listening, which is the number one thing about communication, but the eye contact comes when I look at them to try to be perceptive about what they are feeling or to send them some feeling or acknowledgment from me in response to what they are saying.

I didn't use to think I would be able to do the multimodal thing, and for sure I don't want to do it for many hours or every day, as it's draining, but to learn to do this I first worked on individual modes (emotional reception, emotional self-awareness, cognition, speaking) and then on shifting between them. Is it called task-switching? I hate it because I want to do one thing for a long time and be absorbed in it, but that isn't going to work when navigating the real world, so I chose to develop this repertoire and switching ability, which includes some eye contact.

So that's the big picture and the main details for me.

When I'm looking at the eyes, it's purely analytical. No "reading" going on, but it more than satisfies their need for eye contact.[/quote]

I tend to do the same. I look at the eyes just to see their colour, eyelashes, how they move, the movement of the eyebrows, etc. However, I do all this briefly because otherwise I lose concentration on what the person is saying. And I have to look away when it's my turn to speak. I guess I can make it pass for thoughtfulness.

I have no problem looking at my husband's or my son's eyes and do it often, but other than that I find it very weird to look at family members or friends in the eye. It's something too intimate. I take fleeting looks at their eyes but when they're not looking directly at mine. And I still can't look people I don't like in the eye.

Depending on how long I've known the person usually determines the level of eye contact for me. Almost total strangers, usually it's for a few brief seconds which I can handle. I shop at the same grocery store, and Wal-mart during the least packed hours. Nearly everyday I go to the drive through of the same Burger King and order the same coffee. So I'm used to seeing the same people over and over again, there's the sense of familarity and eye contact is okay because I've developed specific roles for these people. However, I'm sure I'd be weirded out if I ever saw any of them not in their work uniforms doing something other then handing me change.

I'm a smoker and I've found that this is helpful in keeping track of body language during break times, since there's also about four or five feet between me and whoever else I'm out smoking with. The eye contact is minimum but so far this hasn't bothered any of my co-workers. Mostly they've told me that they figure that I'm the silent type and leave it at that.

This issues has been not a problem for me at some times, and much more at others. In general, the less practice I get, the harder it is. A kid I met once told me his trick, and it works great, followed me completely: he looks at the bridge of the other person's nose, right between the eyes, and it makes everyone happy. He seems to be looking you right in the eye but he isn't.

I am very aware of how little eye contact I make with people.

Last edited by visagrunt on 26 Oct 2009, 2:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I dont know how I got around to age 55. In early childhood and in school I was - very different. I recently read Marc Segar's survival guide, and I recognize how often I took on the attitude of starting over again with a clean slate (new school year, my first job which I held for 33 years ...) and allways failed trying to be "normal". I also recognized other Asperger traits like the gaze, which has given me enormous trouble through life and which I still have to be aware of. I was diagnosed 1 year ago and went to psychiatrist an psykologist, but was disapointed by the lack of treatment possibilities they could offer. Then I came across WP and I have to say, a few days of extensive reading the posts here, have been much more fruitful to me for understanding who I am, than the sessions with the specialists. Both regarding the difficulties I have to face the rest of my life as well as how I can cope with them.

And I am stunned to the honesty in theese posts of the problems we share and cope with in different ways as well as the many observations and suggestions by the young Marc Segar, that is relevant for me being 55.

I used to have major problems with it, but I improved significantly at about 20 or 21 (I'm almost 30 now).

At 57, it's still difficult, and I'm still working on it. Or perhaps I've given up working on it [some days, hard to tell, depending on mood and circumstance, and lately having so much else to work on]. But, I've discovered ways and times and situations where it is a bit easier;
a.) when I know someone a while [ok, yeah, probably a long while].
b.) when I'm not stressed or depressed.
c.) when I'm in my own space or at least some very familiar environment.
d.) when I'm not expected to have to split my attention between a noisy environment and the person I'm trying to interact with.

It's an ongoing process, but then [...sigh...] it seems to me it's "process" that keeps life interesting.

Dotting those eyes topic

I have the three or five second rule. If not, I stare or avert entirely. It was definitely harder in my 20s. It is a conscious thing.

Thought about this today. I tend to focus on the eyes almost exclusively, as facial expressions are too much to try and take in. It took a lot of work; as a child, I looked at the floor or unfocused my eyes a lot. As a teacher, I ask my students to make eye contact with me. One, it keeps me from being complacent/comfortable; two, it establishes for me where their attention is directed. Some people, it is still almost impossible for me to maintain eye contact for any length of time.


M.

i do this also. it can take quite a bit of concentration and be somewhat distracting from the conversation. it would seem that the more anxious i am the harder i have to try and the more likely i am to freak out the intended audience.

I've only recently realized I'm AS since my 5yo son started tests to confirm his AS condition. I'd never heard about this AS before and so I've lived my 37 years in total oblivion of all the behavioural traits that made my life go unexplicably astray. So now I've got the information to change some things. One aspect I've been working on is the eye contact. I hadn't noticed before but my son has this same trait. So I've been playing a game with him which we call "eye wars" in which we have to stare into each others eyes like you're trying to shoot laser. In the beginning he couldn´t cope and I would start singing victory. So he became competitive and now he fights back. And the payback has been enormous! We're closer than we've ever been. It's like there's a renewed confidence between us. I've noticed sometimes I'm looking at him and when he turns his face and suddenly makes eye contact with me he's reaction is still to instictavely turn away but then imediately looks back and then he smiles with this tender complicity that has grown in just a few days. I didn't know but eye contact is not overrated. I'm not sure if I can go on to do this with others than close family but I know now that there's room to improve.

It doesn't bother me anymore, except to remind myself to do it. Anytime I talk to somebody I try and make eye contact and hold it until they break it or I need to look at something else for whatever reason.

When I was younger, people used to always tell me "quit looking at the floor, what's wrong with you?" So I quit.

PaganMom

i hardly ever make eye contact, i always look at the skin just below the eyes, tis much easier.